Monday, February 25, 2008
I know today is green smiley day, but to tell you the truth nothing to smile about here. Two young boys were killed this weekend in a firey crash. They were 20 & 18. I that is one thing I can be thankful for. When we laid Josh to rest, he looked Josh. My very handsome boy. I could not imagne him dying in a fire and not being able to recognize him. Yesterday was 14 months since Josh passed and it just hit me today. I have had him on my mind alot today and went to visit him at lunch. Pretty sunny day here and I just sat with him a while. We have been hit again with the solar light bandiet. John and I put another one out on last Sunday and I went by everyday morning and afternoon. I went by Thursday morning and was not able to go by that afternoon or Friday morning. Friday afternoon it was gone. I have raised hell with the cementary folks and filed a report with the sheriff. Nothing has been done. I told John it should not be our responbility to put a camera out to see who this sicko is but I guess I am going to have to. When is this going to stop?Josh, I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you laugh. I want to argue with you again. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you rambling in your half of the house. It now has been 14 months since I have had any of those things. I keep telling you I am sorry. Josh, I AM SORRY. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I am sorry maybe I wasn't a good enough mama to you. I am sorry maybe I didn't spend enough time with you. I am sorry for even saying the word license to you over and over. My heart aches for you and it feels like I had a helping hand in your accident. I know I wasn't there and had no control over what happened, but I still feel like it is my fault. Your daddy said the other day he would give anything to have you home again. He misses you too, but you know how he does not show his feeling. Saying that was a big step for him. My beautiful Josh, you are my everything. I love you Joshie Pooh. Love, Mama
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