Monday, February 25, 2008
I know today is green smiley day, but to tell you the truth nothing to smile about here. Two young boys were killed this weekend in a firey crash. They were 20 & 18. I that is one thing I can be thankful for. When we laid Josh to rest, he looked Josh. My very handsome boy. I could not imagne him dying in a fire and not being able to recognize him. Yesterday was 14 months since Josh passed and it just hit me today. I have had him on my mind alot today and went to visit him at lunch. Pretty sunny day here and I just sat with him a while. We have been hit again with the solar light bandiet. John and I put another one out on last Sunday and I went by everyday morning and afternoon. I went by Thursday morning and was not able to go by that afternoon or Friday morning. Friday afternoon it was gone. I have raised hell with the cementary folks and filed a report with the sheriff. Nothing has been done. I told John it should not be our responbility to put a camera out to see who this sicko is but I guess I am going to have to. When is this going to stop?Josh, I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear you laugh. I want to argue with you again. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you rambling in your half of the house. It now has been 14 months since I have had any of those things. I keep telling you I am sorry. Josh, I AM SORRY. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I am sorry maybe I wasn't a good enough mama to you. I am sorry maybe I didn't spend enough time with you. I am sorry for even saying the word license to you over and over. My heart aches for you and it feels like I had a helping hand in your accident. I know I wasn't there and had no control over what happened, but I still feel like it is my fault. Your daddy said the other day he would give anything to have you home again. He misses you too, but you know how he does not show his feeling. Saying that was a big step for him. My beautiful Josh, you are my everything. I love you Joshie Pooh. Love, Mama
Replies
I know that hell. My son died in a fire. There was nothing to identify, I had to give them dental records for verification. When I got his autopsy report, it was horrific. All of his skin was gone, as well as his lower limbs, burned away from the knee down, and thermal fractures in all of his bones. They said his eyes were filled with blood and a hole in his skull....I live with this \"vision\" for the rest of my life...all I have are his ashes now, and these nightmares...:(
I don\'t know what to tell you about your little thief, other that the camera might be the way to go. You can\'t and shouldn\'t blame yourself for your son\'s accident. Melissa had just gotten her final G license (we have a graduated license program here) and she also had just gotten a ticket for an improper left hand turn. We don\'t have any control over these things. You were and still are a good mom, please don\'t doubt yourself. Love and Hugs.
Hugging you both so tightly! Our pain is beyond words. Just know that you both were wonderful moms...because in their hearts our children knew how much we loved them! Yes, we would give anything to have them back. We have learned the painful lesson about what is important in this world. Sending you both my prayers and love, lana
Yes, it is hard not to have a body to view. He was ID\'s by dental records...damn xrays of his jaw and teeth...I keep putting that aside, but it is a fact that I live with each day. It is hard, but no harder than anyone else that has that ache in their heart that burns so badly. I miss him and at times want to lay down and forget about it all, but Daren would be so pissed off...he would hate to see me like that every day, so I try to funnel my grief into bearable things...sometimes i am successful, sometimes not, but at least I am trying. That is all I can do for him...just live my life.
Hang on here with us! We have to lift each other up when we fall into the abyss of pain and loss. Here for you anytime. Cyn
You\'re a terrific mom, now, then, and always. Josh knows more of your love now than ever before. Josh knows the truth of love, the depth of love, the life of love. And in this perfect love which is his life, you are there. And in your world, which is not yet perfect, Josh is there.
I wonder if you installed a camera and then the asshole gets caught on tape if you couldn\'t sue for the price of the solar lights, the camera, and the pain and suffering this whole mess has caused you??? Not sure if you\'d want to go that far, but it would be a step towards justice....if there is any???? I really can\'t advise since I gave dickhead $300,000 without so much as a fight.... I hope he gets caught and punished soon. I\'m sorry this continues to happen.
I love you my dear friend,
Teri
Your Mothering skills should and never will be in question. You were the very best Mom Josh could of had. We all like to have stopped them from doing the thing that caused their death, but unfortunately that is not to be. We find what we look for. I\'ve stopped looking at the wounds and started looking at all the blessings I have. I too buried John, he looked like nothing had even happened to him, so weird. Praying for us all always love and hugs Cathy