Monday

I'm starting to wonder if my main demotivator is school. 

We've all heard of the horror stories. The hours of homework, the drama, the unreasonable teacher. I've dealt with the first, avoided the second, and never encountered the third. In those regards, school isn't all that it was prophesized to be. It's not hard to keep your head up and out of drama. It's not hard to keep your head down and do your homework. 

The thing I really hate about school is the atmosphere. Namely, the fact that they're taking a bunch of students from all sorts of backgrounds, opinions, and attitudes and forcing us to be... together. I know that the school system can't very well create different schools for each race or each clique. But the thing is, it becomes a giant melting pot of people trying to get their opinions out while fitting in at the same time. People change. People try to find their niche. It's almost like trying to find a job, but the feverish hectic attitude everyone shows is fully visible. Fitting in and finding approval is everything to them. 

People change. People that I once knew start gravitating towards the general stereotype for highschoolers today; cold-hearted, full of themselves, addicted to their phones, unwilling to respect others. The atmosphere is inescapable. No class is without gossip lurking in its corners. Without a band of kids sharing stories about macking somebody or watching porn. Without people betting on who will get with who. No class is without every kid eyeing their phone at all times, seeking that precious alone time when they can log hours into social media or addictive games. No class doesn't see groans of dismay when a new assignment is announced. 

It is a painful atmosphere. Some people manage to say above it, drifting precariously on top of the storm. Some people float in between; good people with bad habits or the wrong friends. Some people have already given up; their future holds no meaning and their present life, no hope. Many of the teachers have already given up. Those who haven't are ridiculed. The school system itself no longer seems to care.

Throughout all of this, I am the outsider. I am the one who reads in their free time. Does homework quietly in the corner. I am the one trying to avoid all of this. And yet, I am the outsider. I don't like being the outsider. 

I am afraid that one day, I will take steps towards no longer being the outsider. If that day comes, I will lose whatever humanity I had to the merciless will of my collective peers.

These same peers who laughed at a teacher who learned of her husband's death. These peers who sneered at a girl with a failing heart. These peers who enjoy ranking people based solely on their looks. These racist, sexist, and classist peers. They who don't care about the world around them, preferring to keep their eyes on their useless phone screens. 

No one can help us but ourselves. And I can't help anyone but myself. What can I do but keep trying?