moments of wanting and need
I find myself being in touch with so many things - from dinner with the elder last night
to then my errands and responsibilities this morning.
It's really been a delightful day - I got good work done without stressing too much.
But I started to want a forum to talk about things that I am "realizing in wisdom"
but it felt a kind of blindness within - this kind of need and wanting - woe
and yearning - it made me think - "if we all have this kind of need within us (some more than others of course)"
How am I going to deal with it? - in a way that's taking care of my life? - and not just blind indulgence
perpetuating and sinking into misery or will I produce something ? I wonder if I had a 'significant other'
relationship would the need be occupied and diluted by that relationship. Is this merely the outcome of being
alone? I am here with the monastics - but alone in my room - it's a road I have to question -
as it's uncharted waters for me -
I've realized much of the time when being social I don't want to forget my ultimate bigger picture
duty at hand - I can become rigid and uptight - and yet then what I have also found is that we're just a community sharing life
experiences and so don't judge or be uptight and ... enjoy it! - hold onto your human need and just share the ride.
Those moments for when someone shows talent - don't go all sad and slip into a hole
where the emotions within tell you "you have none" - I know we each have talents
and so again this is a moment of kind of appreciating, sharing the joy of the ride, in the beauty of someone's work as well
:-)
With my relationship with my new godson - i find myself getting to know him better and better
and feeling surprisingly protective and concerned about his welfare (which is something I know to keep in check :)
It makes me laugh a bit and I know or I can see how my father's role must be like
in caring after an offspring and keeping him moving forward.
The gift for me now is this ability to have all these senses about relationships.
This includes the gift, again, is being able to recognize that my decisions about my emotional state comes from how to question it with the brackets of ‘how am I going to take care of my life.”. So I now know to choose the act of agency
in my decisions process again, when faced with the high tide of need and woe. It’s not just fulfilling an epitome and or form - but it is as a choice for a dynamic..... positive action.
Replies
and you guys this next bit is raw journaling- nothing too constructed. :
My neediness is overwhelming, when I’m free I don’t know what to do or what direction to go in and I talk myself out of things. I’ve had a good day but I refrained from doing art. I want to do it when I get back from my trip. I’ll focus on doing my job it is a reward In itself. Such a slave. I want to break free. And what I realized tonight is that we’re all insecure about the directions we go in and what we put out there in the world and tonight I started to have heart palpations -and I know I am taking shit too seriously -I like the way they are sensitive to things around here in relation to the things in life and lighthearted friendliness.
Here’s to laughs and happy times
leaving the royal we to the royal experts. . .
i have a 2-prong approach to coping with my own, strictly personal overwhelming needs.
1) i attempt to give what i believe i so desperately need to others. an self-esteem boost? an open and listening ear? proof that someone in this cold cruel world gives a flying fuck? whatever the need i am fulfulling for others, i feel like i am following gandhi's advice to be the change i want to see in the world.
2) reframing. is it a "need" or simply a preference? it's nice to get my preferences when they are available, but i'm underwhelmed with the success of getting what i want and going for the happiness these days and shooting to be grateful for what i get.
Thanks Arfie!
Always many deeper topics to touch on that no internet response here could give succinctly.
I suppose we are all figuring out where we fit best into the big puzzle piece of life. Rather in our living conditions or career or what we want to say in our artistry….it’s all a matter of finding what is true to you and not what others will strive to mold you into. We all need to be our own mold….then when we go out into the world we function more like a collage and less like a puzzle that has rigid structure to work.
Sending friday hugs for a positive weekend ahead. I will be busy but getting my flu and covid shot so planning on relaxing on Sunday.
Thanks Nikki!!!
I think we all have good days and bad Marky...... Sometimes things about life can seem overwhelming and it's amazing what a few hours can do to really change our perspectives on life
Have you ever gone back to read some of your journals?
Years ago when I was in the hospital it was suggested that I keep a daily journal and I did for the 3 weeks I was in there.... I vaguely remember going back over what I had written some time later and it surprised me..... I didn't remember having most of those feelings and thoughts.....It was interesting
Maybe take lots of pic's when you're away sweetie to give you some topics for your art with you get home??
I hope that you'll have a fabulous time..... Sending a big squishy hug.... xo
thanks janet!
I don't know if this will make sense but here I am alone on a Friday night - Blue and me are watching PBS on my laptop.
I feel a capability for grounding myself and appreciation that I can ground myself here with you guys.
A couple of nights ago I was sitting with the other Fathers here - in the Elder's quarters.
I tend to get all uptight around other people when the conversation is freeform.
I worry about keeping on top of the job I am supposed to do when or if the need arises.
But I realized the other night that these pressures exist for everybody - the insecurities too -for what we put out in
the world and so I learned to just appreciate that we're all sharing a human experience in being together
and talking about stuff - and my uptight inclination went out the window! Amen! :)
Now I explain this because tonight I am here on my own alone (well with Blue), today was a good day - a bit
of up and down emotionally - it's life and learning - but my ability to bounce back and keep things grounded really helped me get
along and keep on keeping on with the chores. My mind was on how we're all insecure about what we're putting out there
including me - and that kind of readiness measure within my mind helped me deal with my own mindset when transitioning
from one place, store, to another.
Now I was sitting here - coming down from a very ungrounded place to just feeling like I was treading water
and not knowing what to do with myself. What path? Which direction to step in? Even with just occupying my time free time at that?!
So I finally realized that again - we're all in the same boat - we are all having to make decisions about what we’re going to do
and so we're all having a human experience - so what is it that I would like to do?!!
I would love to go see some theater or musical but really fill my time up with experiences with other people.
So it might just be to see a show or to go to a party - but sharing the experience with others is the real fun
and interest. I mean when I cut these thoughts down to bite sized pieces - I have worked myself into a corner
fearful of my every move because of my challenges - with the ultimate need to be responsible looming
- but now that healing has been on the agenda -
I can say that being responsible is important - but it's also good and important to not deny yourself the shared human experience we're all
having. No one knows how to fill their time perfectly all the time - so why not seize the opportunity
to share some fun and social stuff - it's an invitation to get outside yourself - to fill time just like every body else has to and be together! :)