Moments
Ten Weeks. This Sunday will be ten weeks. I no longer count days, but I still count by weeks, every Sunday bringing another week to endure.
This sounds like such a small amount of time, yet it has felt like an eternity. Everything changed, every day I am learning who and what I am to be as this person that HAD a daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder and is now deemed a Suicide Survivor. I find that term confusing because it sounds like I attempted suicide and failed..if only...
The last time I saw my psychiatrist I explained a weird thing that kept happening to me. It felt like Reality kept slamming into me. Like, many times a day it would hit me...”Oh my God, she really is gone!”. I felt this abuse was unfair. I was not in denial anymore. I was facing reality head on...so why was it torturing me this way???
His explanation...I was having moments my mind would drift off onto other things...the “slam” reality was delivering was actually just me remembering...so by “remembering” did that mean I was forgetting as well??? When I am at the lake and I see ducks swim by and I smile, does that mean I am disrespecting, dishonoring my child??? I came to a personal revelation that made sense but hurt like hell. As time goes on, the only way for me to “move on” is to let things go. Let my mind wander, think of other things...maybe not only by accident but by intent as well. Ouch!!! I am scared. I already have so much guilt. Now I see that if I actually want to heal, I have to let go of some of the pain. So I have to decide...will I let go or will I cling to the pain like a security blanket because it keeps the memory of Cassi so close to my heart???
I know I can't consciously push my daughter out...that as long as I have a choice, I choose to suffer.What I hope is that it will happen naturally, organically...the way it was happening when I complained to my psychiatrist. I hope I will gradually start replacing my painful thoughts with pleasing thoughts while still acknowledging the loss of my baby. I hope I will start remembering the sweet things, the happy times she had rather than the angry, miserable person she had became...that she destroyed.
I know, just by virtue of being here, writing this...I KNOW there is life after Cassi. What I hope to learn is that there an also be happiness or at least contentment after Cassi, even if only for moments. Maybe those moments will turn into minutes, into hours, days...eventually maybe even habit.
That would be awesome.
This sounds like such a small amount of time, yet it has felt like an eternity. Everything changed, every day I am learning who and what I am to be as this person that HAD a daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder and is now deemed a Suicide Survivor. I find that term confusing because it sounds like I attempted suicide and failed..if only...
The last time I saw my psychiatrist I explained a weird thing that kept happening to me. It felt like Reality kept slamming into me. Like, many times a day it would hit me...”Oh my God, she really is gone!”. I felt this abuse was unfair. I was not in denial anymore. I was facing reality head on...so why was it torturing me this way???
His explanation...I was having moments my mind would drift off onto other things...the “slam” reality was delivering was actually just me remembering...so by “remembering” did that mean I was forgetting as well??? When I am at the lake and I see ducks swim by and I smile, does that mean I am disrespecting, dishonoring my child??? I came to a personal revelation that made sense but hurt like hell. As time goes on, the only way for me to “move on” is to let things go. Let my mind wander, think of other things...maybe not only by accident but by intent as well. Ouch!!! I am scared. I already have so much guilt. Now I see that if I actually want to heal, I have to let go of some of the pain. So I have to decide...will I let go or will I cling to the pain like a security blanket because it keeps the memory of Cassi so close to my heart???
I know I can't consciously push my daughter out...that as long as I have a choice, I choose to suffer.What I hope is that it will happen naturally, organically...the way it was happening when I complained to my psychiatrist. I hope I will gradually start replacing my painful thoughts with pleasing thoughts while still acknowledging the loss of my baby. I hope I will start remembering the sweet things, the happy times she had rather than the angry, miserable person she had became...that she destroyed.
I know, just by virtue of being here, writing this...I KNOW there is life after Cassi. What I hope to learn is that there an also be happiness or at least contentment after Cassi, even if only for moments. Maybe those moments will turn into minutes, into hours, days...eventually maybe even habit.
That would be awesome.
Replies
Ten weeks is NO TIME AT ALL. You want to be free of the horror, I know that, I did too. That, in itself, means something. Not feeling horror and agony does not mean you are forgetting your daughter. It means you are adjusting to the situation which is an awful one. This takes time. Smiling is not betrayal of her, it\'s reacting in a human way. I know someone who lost her 12 yo son to suicide about 7 years ago now. Her life is gone, she will not allow herself to help herself and she doesn\'t want any help from anyone, especially me. Why? I am surviving, and she does not want to but must because her daughter has Downs syndrome and there\'s no one else to care for her. You will survive and it does not mean you will ever forget. I wish it did. I wish I could forget. I wish I could wipe the last 27 years from my mind, Gina. Does that mean I don\'t love my daughter? Does that mean I spurn God\'s gift to me in answer to my prayer that I be allowed to raise a child? No. It means I want to be free of the crap this has done to me and I most likely will never be free, not totally, I don\'t think it\'s possible. You have taken the first steps and you must keep taking steps toward whatever normalcy is available to you. At some point, it\'s okay to be just plain angry.
It does happen darlin\' but usually not 10 weeks into the journey. I noticed that I started smiling when looking at Melissa\'s pictures in my 3rd year. I didn\'t even realize at first. All of a sudden without a conscious effort on my part, it happened. HUGS, Connie
Sometimes I too choose to live in the pain, I have learned I never will forget Matthew, but to continue to live I can\'t only live in the dark. I think it was year 2 or 3 that the happier times seemed to cross my mind more than the difficult or unpleasant ones. At ten weeks I was still lost so I think your doing just great! We all count days, weeks, months, minutes, for me the 20th was a day filled with tears for years! Sending hugs and love to you and cassi!
I am sometimes amazed, by your insight, so early into your loss!! It has been two years and 7 months for me and I am just beginning to be able to allow myself, to consciously think about my son. Just now having less panic attacks, when I do.
I know it doesn\'t seem like it, but you are way ahead of most of us. You are doing great!! You are becoming an inspiration, to me!!! Thanks :)
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I remember counting the days, then the weeks, then the months and now it is years. Year three is when I came back to being alive and participating, laughing and welcoming life again. No matter what your physiatrist says, unless that person has \"been there\", it did not work for me. This place helped me along. I went to a grief counselor within weeks of losing my son and cried the whole time. I asked her if she had ever lost a child. She was nice but told me no. I knew then that she had NO idea. I never went back. I pray that counseling works for you, it did not for me. I had to go back to work within weeks of my son\'s death and that helped immensely (although I did not realize it at the time). Take care, GET A LOT OF SLEEP (that always helped me along). And keep talking to us!!!
Peace.
Copied from my journal:
March 13, 2007, Tuesday. It\'s been 10 weeks today since Kala\'s death. It feels like 10 minutes. It\'s not getting any easier.
I want my daughter back. NOW!!!!!!!
Yes, I remember well my shattered heart at 10 weeks.....
Emerging from the shock and into the \"shit, this is for real\" stage is SOOO hard!!!
Healing hurts. But not allowing ourselves to heal hurts far worse.
I\'m seven years, as you know, and all I can do is share my story, in hopes that something I share will somehow give you hope and comfort you....and all the newer moms.
You\'re doing everything \"right\"....because you\'re doing everything you are capable of doing for the purpose of surviving, and then finding your life again. Whatever road that takes you down....you ARE walking toward your healing. Along the way there are HUGE mountains and DEEP pits and whirlwinds and thunder storms. But I promise you sweet girl, if you will determine yourself to keep waking up every morning and saying, \"Today I do my best once again\", you WILL, in time (forgive me for saying \"in time\") find your smile, your joy, and your passion for YOUR life once again.
And one thing I KNOW for SURE!!!! We NEVER leave our kids behind!!! My LIVING my life, is NOT me leaving Kala in my past!!!! Kala goes with me....laughs with me....smiles with me....and yes, even cries with me sometimes. This bond....mother and child....cannot be broken....not even by death. And truth is, for ME, I honestly feel my relationship with Kala is STRONGER and more REAL today than ever before! Now that\'s mind boggling! But so true!
Hold on darling....and just keep on keeping on....
Yes, there is life \"after\" Cassi and most important life \"with\" Cassi that you are growing into and with that comes huge growing pains.
I too feel Douglas with me more than ever and it has taken time to be in this place and I have a sense our relationship will continue to evolve and change. I will never forget my dear mom holding me in her arms (she too lost a son) and telling me that the stabbing in my heart that I felt would not always take my breath away as it was and that in time my thoughts would be about his very precious life and not just about his death. Those words came from a mother who knew my sorrow and who had prayed like crazy that her daughters would never have to experience this anguish. I could not wrap my heart or thoughts around it, yet allowed those seeds to be scattered about deep within me.
At ten weeks I felt as if I was in the belly of a whale and didn\'t know if I would remain there forever or not? I just remained for as long as I needed to be there and kept taking those steps on days that I could. When I could not I laid inert in the belly of that whale...
Learning how to live this new life IS what you are doing right now. The seconds will become minutes, the minutes hours, the hours days... I never ever thought I would still be \"here\" as I am today almost six years later, yet I am. I am not special as this is not unique for me. It is the power of the human spirit that keeps on with help from as many healing tools as one can find. This is meant for you as well, dear Gina.
Loving care dearest Gina and keep BEing here now as you are.
XO Joanie
This is just my interpretation of how I describe my feeling of intense loss with moments of my mind drifting to other things. In the beginning our hearts are so shattered we can only feel the excruciating pain of it. When out of the blue a moment of happiness slips in. Perhaps these moments may be when our heart is trying to heal. Our child will always be in our heart, never ever leaving there. Through the broken painful times & also in the moments of happiness & healing, they are always there. Just like we could never forget we have a heart, likewise we could never forget our child. My therapist helped me see that when some of the pain subsides, it opens more space of healing & happiness in our heart for our child.
I\'ve unfortunately been on my journey for 6 years now. I so wish I was part of FMO in the beginning of my loss. I could have used the valuable loving direction from moms who have been there. When I first came here about a 1 1/2 years ago I was hoping to find support & if possibly even give a little support. My experience I have shared here today may help support you even in a tiny way....I truly hope so. Hugs of understanding....Vicki (Jeremy & Chad\'s mom)