Mmpff
Yea nobody reads these but me. I'm sure it's my fault produce or go away that's how the world works.
Am I failure because I'm still alive? I should have died in nov but someone stopped me. I don't feel like dying today. But I can't help but wonder if I'm failing at not dying. I did promise people I would so that makes me a fibber. I don't know ill work on my will and if I don't improve I can still go. I need to get better at social stuff. I believe I can read people ok. I just freeze up and don't know what to talk about like an anxiety I suppose. My therapist says people want you to make them feel happy and loved. I have no idea how to do that except with crazy people.
Am I failure because I'm still alive? I should have died in nov but someone stopped me. I don't feel like dying today. But I can't help but wonder if I'm failing at not dying. I did promise people I would so that makes me a fibber. I don't know ill work on my will and if I don't improve I can still go. I need to get better at social stuff. I believe I can read people ok. I just freeze up and don't know what to talk about like an anxiety I suppose. My therapist says people want you to make them feel happy and loved. I have no idea how to do that except with crazy people.
Replies
I\'m glad you didn\'t die. It\'s not a failure your alive it is a sucess. You will keep growing and getting better. I would rather you make a promise not to kill yourself.
I read your journals, Chance. Did you get my message - or shall I say, novel - from last week? I agree with Patty (Sunflower), you made a promise to not die long ago. That\'s a better promise to keep. Stay in the game. You are way better at it than you were even a few years ago.
To avoid the \"freeze up\" thing, first don\'t expect it to happen. Even a brief pause in a conversation need not be uncomfortable. Let both of you think for a minute, it\'s okay. Ask them questions about themselves, their objects, their interests, etc. When that runs out, have some topics in your pocket, prepared ahead of time, such as current events, ancient wisdom, sports, etc. Also consider mentioning something you are interested in (books, fish, etc.) and see what they think about it. \"Did you know...\" is a great starter on things like that. Be open and receptive, project an attitude of caring, and be curious. If all else fails, ask, \"What would you like to talk about?\"
I think you are too hard on yourself. Lots of us are internally shy (me included), so we have to try harder to reach out. It may never be easy for you, Chance! Accept that and keep trying. It doesn\'t mean you are of less value than someone who is a great conversationalist. What matters most is your heart.
And, I believe that making \"crazy people\" feel happy and loved is a special talent! I\'m married to one such person and it\'s worth every effort. Everybody else writes them off. Steve and I agree that I attract to me people many would call \"misfits.\" I love them. I love seeing them transform and feel better because I\'m in their life. I\'ll let someone else hang out with people who have their act together (or appear to - who really does?). I want to make a place where misfits are celebrated for their amazing and unique gifts.
I had this other thought from reading your journal. You don\'t have to promise people you will die because we all die. That\'s a fact of living. Suicide is like slapping God in the face. You\'re saying to Him that you know better than He does how long you should live. I know that sounds harsh, but think about it from His perspective. He\'s given you breath, a heartbeat, an incredible brain, and an undying spirit, that you can use to explore and experience life on Earth. He didn\'t say it would be easy, clean, or pleasant all the time, but He did give you those gifts so that you could become more than you were when you arrived. In your short time here, you have amassed an impressive amount of knowledge and experience - more than any computer could hold. And, you have tapped only a tiny percentage of your potential. Why stop now? Accept the hardships and look for the treasures. The jewels of life are everywhere in abundance, you just have to dig for them.
You know you can come to Santa Fe anytime. We are your brother and sister, as promised.
Sending love and hugs your way,
Teresa
Thanks for all the comments it is nice to know this holiday season that there are people who will still listen and care.