Mistake

I will never get what happened out of my head. I was trying to do what I thought was best for me and it turned into a  disaster. I am so ashamed. What is wrong with me god? I had a chance to make things better for myself  I had the opportunity to potentially fix things for ME. instead it was a night from hell. Everything came crashing down and im sitting here reliving every last moment. I am so hurt I am sad and I am in so much pain right now. This is never going to end. This is never going to get any better. I feel as if I woke up one day my life spiraled so out of control . How on earth will I live through this pain for the next few days. Out of everything that could of happened why did it have to happen this way. I have been on pins and needles for DAYS. I AM FUCKING DRAINED I HAVE NOTHING LEFT IN ME.  I never ever should of opened that door I never ever should of given him ANOTHER CHANCE TO DO THIS AFTER I ALREADY WAS ON MY WAY TO BEING OKAY. It happened its over now he will never ever look at me the same way again. I already lost him a long time ago. Why does it even matter right now? Well at least I had my dignity now I cant even walk away with that. He think im pathetic he actually laughed at me as he tore me down. I used to be this strong ambitious woman. I used to have goals and a future in my mind filled with what I wanted. This hell is never going to end is the feeling for today. Maybe a week from now I will feel better and maybe I will have learned this as a lesson but for today the hurt is so severe. I am hating myself so much I cant even stand to look at myself right now. I had a horrible set back because I am a weak person. I must deep down enjoy something about being treated with this level of pain right? I WALKED AWAY IT TOOK EVERYTHING TO DO SO. the moment he shows up I let him right back in ? ?? now I have to RESTART all over again. I truly feel so lost I am so embarrassed everyone around me already thinks im a sad weak pathetic person this is another reason to prove them all correct. I am now questioning if I actually can ever even be helped. He was able to get to me so easily. I LET HIM. month after month after month when is this going to just stop. Every moment for the past several months I have been trying to just hold it together. I have tried to put a smile on my face and still keep faith that there is more for me in this world that hope has carried me along this far. Today that hope has officially died.