Missing my Smokey 100% percent no matter what I do or say

I miss my Smokey 100 % and would like him back but it is not going to happen.  No other guy on God's green earth will compare to my Smokey.  No one.  Yesterday was Friday April 30 was my Smokey's birthdate and he would have been 61 years of age.  My brother Don's friend Blair's birthday is on April 29.  Don organized a few people at L.A. Grill where we celebrated Blair's birthday and my Smokey's.  We all ended back at Donna's place where we had too much wine.  I did the horrible and dishonoring thing by flirting with Don's friend Wayne.  He is tall, quiet, lives in my neighborhood and is not a drinker.  I learned a lot about him by asking questions.  I feel bad and evil because I dishonored Smokey by flirting with Wayne.  I still got it and that part felt good.  I am not ready at all and may never be ready for another man in my life because no one compares to my Smokey nor what I had with my Smokey.  I might just have to adjust my life as a single widow.  I never lived alone in my life ever.  I lived by myself once in awhile but not for too long.  I had friends and entertained.  This apartment is too small to entertain.  Today I am hibernating and staying at home watching comedy movies on the television.  I can't get into any trouble doing this.  I have this book called Soul Signs.  I am a Capricorn and am suppose to be successful.  This is not me at all.  My younger brother is a Capricorn and he is successful.  I feel like a complete one hundred percent looser.  Life is not fair.  Smokey and I were not rich but we were blessed with one another.  No relationship is perfect but we had a pretty darn good one.