Missing my best friend
Keep reading that writing a journal will be very helpful in this journey of sorrow. Well I'll give it a try because the hurt sometimes feels to bad to endure.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
Replies
Sunday 3-8-15 Tried to stay busy because it\'s nice outside. Long walk behind 2 beautiful German SHorthairs in our side field. Then a friend came over and we worked her two Vizla\'s, my son Pete shot the quail..He\'s not as good a shot as Ray but am glad he\'s able to help train the dogs.
It\'s hard to work the dogs, Ray was always there giving his opinion on something, but dang he hit every bird!!! So many reminders of times spent with Ray and not that long ago. Thoughs of future plans of doing more trials together.
Then came in the house and lost it, again..the emotions flooded me. I cried, yelled at his picture over the woodburner..Asked the Lord to take me as I do so often. I have no joy no purpose and do not want to be here any more..
This rollercoaser ride we\'re on is odd. 6 weeks and I have slept every night, wake every couple of hours but not sure if it\'s sorry or that I need to put more wood on the fire. But last night I lay in bed and cried a lot. But I didn\'t cry a lot during the day as I usually do. Still when out doing chores I look back at the house hoping I\'ll see Ray at the fence buggin\' me to get done so we can go to town..I love my memories of Ray and our time together..sometimes they make me smile other times cry..but glad I have them..
Sunday March 15, 2015 The last few days have been pretty bad. I am remebering Ray and the last few years together. Part of me would think what a wonderful life I have, wish Ray felt that way. He\'d sometimes say to me that I have everything and he doesn\'t have what he wants. I\'d laugh and say, \"you have everything, early 60\'s, live on a lake can fish whenever you want, don\'t have to worry about $ if we stay frugel.\" But I Never asked him what he really meant.
Now looking back I think starting in 2012 he knew he wasn\'t feeling well his heart issues were starting. But he didn\'t want me to worry so said nothing just did less. Me being selfish never noticed it, or thought it was old age and then when we argued I told him living with him was like living with a brother not a husband..
Many times I thought about wanting to sit and talk with Ray, a heart to heart. Talk about life, us, our relationship what we want and expect from each other.
But I never asked, I was so happy with my life and where we were I didn\'t want to hear that he wasn\'t happy with it, or that something was wrong. I just kept telling myself it was old age with him. I was married to an old grumpy man..
Early this morning I had a dream about Ray. We had gotten a divorce and I so missed him. Saw him out one day and walked up behind him, put my arms around him. We stood there like that a few moments and then he said \"If you would be nice to me I\'ll come back\". Then I woke up.
It\'s Thursday March 19, 2015..I had to make a trip south of Tyler Tx on Tuesday. Driving down I went through McAlester, Ok. Funny how memories come when least expected. I saw the La Quinta motel and started to tear up. Last fall Ray and I made a trip to Texas for work and coming home were tired and stopped at that motel for the night. I saw the small field next door where I palled ball with Norman while Ray watched the fights on TV. He liked watching fights,.
I never realized the memories we made and the impact they have on me now. Then it was just a moment in life but now I hold the though of that time so close to my heart. I miss you Ray.
*just a side note..at the motel in Tyler, Tx on Tuesday night I laid in bed thinking about not having Ray to travel with me any more. And I moved the covers, I smelt for a breif second Ray, as strong as if he was next to me. I sure hope it was a sign that he was with me as I travel.
Friday 3-20-15 First Day of Spring... first spring without Ray. I am home and alone alot, I am finding I have feelings and thoughts I never have had or would have thought I\'d have. I remember sitting right here and having an argument with Ray and wishing he would just die and leave me alone. I remember telling myself, his heart is bad quit arguing but no I kept it up and wished he would die. Wow I am a horrible person because now I look around and realize what he gave to me what I have and how spoiled I was by him. He had a really bad temper and was very opinionated, my son says that\'s why he spoiled me so. To make up for his personality. My son also told me that Ray for years never expected to live to see 60, no male in his family ever lived to see 60. He said it a few times when he was near 60 but JUST like me I blew it off.
I have cried most of today, 8 more days and he\'ll be gone 2 months. I have such regrets I think I am a horrible person and didn\'t make him happy enough. I wish when I wanted to back a few months, had a heart to heart talk with him. But didn\'t because I was afraid we\'d get into a fight. WOW don\'t know how to deal with this..I\'m so sorry RAY...
MARCH 27th-it wil be 2 months tomorrow I have lived without Ray in my life. 2 hard months wanting to feel better, not cry many times a day, 2 months of missing him so much it hurts. I hate days my time isn\'t packed full of stuff to do so my mind keeps busy. Still pray each day that the Lord takes me. I won\'t kill myself but ask that I am taken to be with Ray. Wish I knew when he was alive how much I really did love him. So much I want to say to him, so many thoughts..I joined a Senior Chat and was winked at..I deleted without even going to the sight..I want Ray back, no one will ever be like him so I want no one else..I look at his picture and it\'s like he is still here..So sad, so lonely, just so.......miss you baby!!!
March 31, 2015 2mo. 3 days without Ray..My outlook: There is a post on the \"future without our loved ones\" pretty bleek picture. 20 yrs ago Ray and I moved to SW Missouri, Bass Pro was one of our sales accounts and we traveled for work so didn\'t really matter where we lived. Missouri especially compared to Illinois is pretty cheap place to live. Ray wanted to live on a lake and I wanted land for my horses. We bought 75 acres and built a nice smaller brick ranch home, a barn for his boat and fishing gear, a horse barn and a dog kennel. I like to train bird dogs and am pretty good at it.
We had a great life, 2004 work was sold and we lost our job. BUT...were hired on a day fee basis to work promotions and help their sales staff. Even though it bothered me it ended up being really nice. We made enough $$ to live for the year and were semi retired. Ray got to fish a ton and if he had a bass tournament I\'d go and work the event mysef. Best thing was we traveled most of the time together and with our dog because I did training demos with a dog. GREAT LIFE.
Fast forward: I was judging a dog trial on SAT. Ray went with me and was my timer for the event, good day. Sunday he also went with me, the building had been cleaned and smelled of cleaning solution, made Ray sick to his stomach but he wouldn\'t go home..3-4 month later still trying to clear his lungs he ahd breathing attacks and thought it was broncitis.
Fast forward again, Ray saw a heart DR. and had surgery, died a week later.
My life, our plans we were making for after he was better all gone like many of us on here. The life and things that brought me joy are all still here (except RAY) but no longer bring me joy. Each day I awake sad, go through things I need to get done, eat alone, watch TV alone, talk to a picture of my husband and get no answers.
I can\'t imagine living like this for 20-30 more years. I think maybe I\'ll find someone but wouldn\'t disrespect Ray by moving a new man into Ray and my house. Wouldn\'t want to move away to a new home. Plus I look at men when I\'m out, not trying to pick one up but compare them to Ray..it\'d be really hard to replace my lost love. We had such similiar backgrounds, education, likes and memories..I\'m sorry and I know I\'ve written it before..living rural in SW Missouri most see me as the rich widow so I would be on guard they just want a free ride. Most have very little education, no work ethic, no teeth, and are so out of shape..Ray worked out with weights his whole life and was a cutie..yup I\'ll be alone the rest of my life. And ya know what..I just might like it!
April 1st..without RAY..Today it was hard to get out of bed, sad, emotional and crying..but the dogs wanted/needed to go outside. It was a sad day, cried even yelled at Ray and God but am better now. Went and read up on GRIEF. Wish someone would post a more definate timeline as to what stage and how long one should stay in it before you worry you are depressed. Sometimes worried I go overboard on emotions. Lately I am trying to rationalize Ray\'s death. He had heart issue since he was 12 and never took the meds Doctors prescribed. But ate healthy, worked out like a fiend. Sometimes it bothered him because he did everything right and still got ill where I am so healthy and really don\'t work out or watch what I eat.
Anyway RAY died way to early and totally unexpected, I was not prepared. I can and do handle everything but it\'s just so darn lonely without him.
Regrets; that I didn\'t tell him I loved him more, realized he was sicker then he let on, cuddled more, kissed more, sat with him more, and mostly I wanted to \"talk\" about life and things and bettering the \"us\" but was afraid to mention it. Ray had a bad temper and I didn\'t want to upset him. To me we had a perfect life, not so sure he thought the same way. But in the end we loved each other. Not many couples are together as much as we were and I thank God for every day of it. Wish I had more of them, wish I realized it wouldn\'t last forever. Just never crossed my mind he\'d die..only thing on my mind was him getting better and our lives back to normal..MISS YOU RAY!!
4-3-15 This trip went a little better then the last trip to OK/TX. Thought a lot about Ray and my last trip together on this route, didn\'t cry this time..just fond memories..
Lately have been thinking more about \"us\" as a married couple. I know Ray and I were good together, don\'t think many women would have put up with him, but we clicked. Thought about when I first met him, his work history, our work history and then forced early retirement.. Ray was lucky and really blessed,we had a blessed life together. I really hope he knows that. He was really moody, and not pleasant when things didn\'t go his way..
I talk to him every day, tell him all that is on my mind.
What I miss; him-his presence in my life
Life is easier without him, half the laundry, really not much cooking, but oh I miss it. The doing for him never much thought about it for the 25 yrs I just did it..But now such memories brings a smile to my face. I remember things I never thought about, a moment in life that happened. Now I will be doing something or see something and remember a time with Ray..maybe I\'m healing..
25 yrs ago was my first date with Ray. Back then we could post a \"WANT AD\" in the CHICAGO SUN TIMES. I put in 5\'2\"eye of blue......then guys would write a letter, send pic to the newpaper to a specific ad #. It was such fun reading letters. Funny many were from guys in prison..Never contacted them. LOL
Ray\'s picture caught my eye, he was late 30\'s then I mid 30\'s both divorced. We hit it off right away and married 3 yrs later. 22 yrs. the 9th of this month.
Funny never thought about being a widow at 61. My folks are in their late 80\'s, live in Az. and enjoying life. I really feel when one passes the other will go shortly after. Ray and I talked about getting older together. I told him his surgery would get him 10 more good years of us being able to do a lot of stuff. In our 70\'s we\'d slow down and do senior stuff. Maybe even sell the farm and move to a real warm climate on a lake so we could still fish.
Emailed my younger sister yesterday, HAPPY EASTER, wrote about dog training a bit. She asked how I was doing and told her I miss Ray so much. She wrote back about her thoughts on men and getting older. She got divorced yrs ago and never thought it approperate to date with a young teen daughter in the house. She has dated since came close to getting married but hasn\'t. Said men are just big babeis, something else to take care of and tell you what to do. She said she stopped her last wedding plans when her fiance started telling her what she needed to sell out of her house so his stuff could be brought in. She said in 6 yrs she will retire and doesn\'t know what she\'ll do with all her time. It\'s not the alone part she\'s afraid of it\'s the getting old part.
Since Ray dying my thoughts have gone to places I never thought about before. My future, my death. I never wanted or thought about death much before. Did think about getting older. Now that I\'m in my 60\'s I think as a younger person and can still do stuff I did before. So I looked to being in my 70\'s. See a gal still training horses, andother still teaching and working bird dogs.. So 70\'s will be ok for a while. But I also see someone I know her mind\'s going a bit. And sad those in their 40\'s only talk about her, mention it, don\'t do much to help her out. Don\'t they realize they too can be there someday.
So I trudge along with no plans for the future, had all kinds of plans just 3 short months ago. My only plan is hopefully not live to be in my 90\'s like the rest of my family, I would like to go to sleep tonight and die and go be with my love..my Ray..HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SWEETHEART!
4-12-15 I never really thought much about my life when Ray was here. Just lived in the moment. Now all I think about is my life when Ray was here. Little things we did, places we were. How much I took for granted that I regret now. I just want to scream at people to appreciate their partners and not take them or their lives for granted.
My Dear Friend your journal is so moving...I wish I had more to offer...but I am finally having a break through instead of a break down...it does get...I don\'t want to say better...but different in a good way. I am so glad you are doing this journal...I wish I had done one but truth be told I was too busy pretending it never happened...and you can only do that for so long. I am sure Ray is proud of how you are handling all this and the farm as well. When you say you just lived in the moment that is really a beautiful thing...at first I remember thinking we should of done this and that...I knew my Jim had a 3 % chance to be alive in 5 years...no doctor ever told us but I just kept researching and that was what I found about metastasis... I could only focus on that 3..someone did it why not him ...he only got 4 years but through all the surgeries.. chemos ...we lived just like we normally did...why because our life was our bucket list...maybe your just in the moment was yours too...your life together..like ours really was that good and again yours like mine was just not as long together as we wanted...but you like me have some things yet to be done...I had some crazy plan to get my self a farm and a pygmy goat...tho my little goat will have a bedroom and most likely the farmland will look like a patio...Again my friend sending warm hugs and wishes of a very peaceful sleep
You are a great writer and this journal proves it. You\'re writing your feelings and thoughts and they mirror mine and many others here. I am captured by the way you are honoring your life with Ray and building a life for yourself. We all want things to be different, but the reality is that we did our best. We found love and it was a gift to be treasured into the future. Sharon
After working from 8-2 , I drove home yesterday the 553 miles. I need to get books on tape because I think and cry way to much, need to keep my mind busy.. Next week I have to drive further to NE of Atlanta. If Ray didn\'t go with me we\'d talk on the phone a lot. So miss that.
Anyway my thoughts....
A few weeks back on the side of DS was, sign up on Match.com. So I answered the profile questions but never went any further. Every few days they send me pics and posts from local men. Sometimes I want to finish filling out my profile because I am really lonely. I know I am looking for something to take away the pain. Something to keep my mind busy so I don\'t think about missing Ray so darn much.
My oldest son went through hard time a few years back, his ex wife left him when times got bad and the $ wasn\'t coming in like it had been. We talk a lot and at 30ish he went on dating sights and now is happly married and expecting their first child. It help ease his pain but he was 30 and divorced
But for a widow of 3 months I don\'t feel it\'s proper to go on a dating sight. Plus I really don\'t want to date. I am still so in love with Ray. My problem is it was just Ray and I. We didn\'t have friends, he had a few guys he went fishing with I have a few ladies that I see at dog club for training but that\'s it. So it\'s day in day out alone. I sometimes think a few emails from people would be nice, something to look forward to and to think about something other then Ray..
My son said it was Ray and I, now I need to do Terri stuff, find out what Terri likes. Well at 61 I don\'t want to go do things by myself. I remember what i liked to do when i was 20ish. I went bowling, never good at it, but it was on dates..went to the movies on dates, dancing etc. Ray and I would talk about going to the movies, last one we went to was Clint Eastwoods one with the car..Heck the last time I got dressed up, bought a dress and heels was when my son got married, the first time. Living outside of the local small town best dressed up I got was to go to dinner and it was clean jeans and a blouse instead of a t-shirt.
So this week will be hard. Doctors told us that in 3 months Ray would be healed enough to start back doing whatever he wanted but to take it slowly. Back then I never expected to be a widow at the 3 month mark. My head hurts, my heart hurts..
So I look at the pictures and profiles of the men, I think it is sad. So many in such a rural place. All I do is compare them to Ray, his looks, what we liked to do together..We fit but I know we fit because of all the years we were together. And because I loved him I accepted his greying hair, his ackes and pains, his belly, his crabbyness..and he overlooked my aging. Not sure if I can or want to overlook someone that I haven\'t grown old with issues.
I don\'t know, this is hard to go on living this new unexpected life of mine. I look in the mirror and am old, never bothered me before. It is what happens in life and we would go down that road together.. now I hit a brick wall.
Ramar, I am so very moved by your love to Ray. I am sure he is watching you with a smile of encouragement. Tiger