Missing him
It's one of those days where I'm really missing my husband. I'm working too much. Most of the time it's 11 hour days, so there's no chance to socialize or make new friends. I work, I eat, I sleep. That's about it. And at work, I'm hardly making money so the sacrifice is for nothing. I don't even have time for the bird. On my days off, I visit my father, an increasingly bitter old man. Life's tough and I've got no one to talk to now. Dad's chased everyone away, so I'm the only one he's got left. He's an only child too, so I've got to do everything now. He's fine physically, but his life is catching up with him. He's an emotional wreck and he's draging me down with him.
In nursing school I studied the stages of aging. Dad's in the one where you feel guilty about the past but there's nothing you can do about it. This manifest itself as bitterness. Seeing him makes me see my own future if I'm not careful. He lived a selfish life, now he's paying. The bible says that you reap what you sow. He's reaping big time, but I'm sitting right besides him reaping what he sowed too. Doesn't seem fair. Why in hell did my mother marry him? Why did she stay? Why am I stuck with him? Why do I still love him? Why am I still there? These are the questions that plauge me.
Dad lived a selfish life. And I can't be selfish. Not in my makeup. Seems strange that I can have a father so different from me. Most kids would have left him by now. Most wouldn't put up with the years of emotional abuse. I've turned the other cheek so much my head is spinning. I've moved out of his house, but my fantasy is to just walk away the way the rest of the family has done. I'll never do it, but for a moment it feels good to think about it. I won't do it because Jesus wouldn't do it.
My mood is dropping by the second.
In nursing school I studied the stages of aging. Dad's in the one where you feel guilty about the past but there's nothing you can do about it. This manifest itself as bitterness. Seeing him makes me see my own future if I'm not careful. He lived a selfish life, now he's paying. The bible says that you reap what you sow. He's reaping big time, but I'm sitting right besides him reaping what he sowed too. Doesn't seem fair. Why in hell did my mother marry him? Why did she stay? Why am I stuck with him? Why do I still love him? Why am I still there? These are the questions that plauge me.
Dad lived a selfish life. And I can't be selfish. Not in my makeup. Seems strange that I can have a father so different from me. Most kids would have left him by now. Most wouldn't put up with the years of emotional abuse. I've turned the other cheek so much my head is spinning. I've moved out of his house, but my fantasy is to just walk away the way the rest of the family has done. I'll never do it, but for a moment it feels good to think about it. I won't do it because Jesus wouldn't do it.
My mood is dropping by the second.
Replies
hello there, I\'m so sorry you are feeling so sad/bad, whatever you want to call it...not really sure what to say, but wanted you to know that I\'m thinking and praying for you. Just don\'t let him get you down (we\'re all ready down enough with the loss of our spouses) if that means not seeing or talking with him only once a week then so be it. He might get it that you aren\'t going to be his whipping post. hugs, sandi
You have to put yourself first in you relationship with you dad. It is not selfish either. The bible speaks of love and loving others. This includes loving yourself, which is not selfish. If you don\'t treat yourself with love and kindness as you show other people, you will fall apart into a million pieces so there will be no one to look after your dad. If someoone treated you the way you treat yourself - is it love? I think not. Treat yourself in a loving way as well. It is not selfish to spend a limited amount of time with your dad. Then put a hault on things and say to your dad you had enough and leave. You don\'t have to put up with any abuse. When he starts in on you with the words, say stop. If he doesn\'t stop, warn him if he doesn\'t stop you will leave. If he doesn\'t stop, leave. Keep doing this because one day he will stop and you will be surprised. I know from one who has been abused in various forms, it is good to develop a back bone and not accept abuse in any form any more. Diane Baillie