Missing Cole

Dear Ezra,

The more time I spend away from Cole, the more I miss him, and the more I worry this is unfair to Stephen.  I love Stephen, as much as I've ever loved anyone, and I hate to think I'm being unkind to him by entering this relationship before I'm over Cole.  When Cole and I had dinner together a few weeks ago, he flirted (not overtly, just little things I've learned at this point are his way of flirting).  It was fun, I've missed talking to him, and I'm worried that my feelings aren't fading as quickly as I expected them to.  After dinner, we split desert because he didn't want people to think he was eating desert all alone while just sat there and waiting.  The waiter brought it over all excitedly, smiling and saying, "I brought two spoonss!".  It was clear that everyone around us thought we were on a date.  That's fair, since we were at that nice restaurant "Knights" on Liberty.  Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go to the party the frat he's in was holding for the guys who live there.  I said no, considering (1) we're in a pandemic (ugh frat guys) and (2) I doubt it's a good idea for me to hang out with a guy I'm trying to get over while drinking.  

At some point, he brought up how he misses me and that he still isn't ready for a relationship, and I think he's assuming that I stopped talking to Stephen.  I didn't correct him, but I wish I had.  I'm terrified of huring his feelings.  At the end of the night, he drove me home, and after pulling into my driveway he asked for a hug.  The issue is, and I know this sounds naive, I really think he just needed a hug.  With classes and frat stuff, I know he's overwhelmed and has no one to talk to since we stopped talking.  It lasted for a few seconds, and when we pulled away, he looked at me the way he used to right before he'd kiss me.  I was still wearing my mask from the restaurant, so he couldn't, but it felt like he was almost waiting for me to pull it down so he could.  I would never cheat on Stephen, God knows, so of course I didn't.  I pulled my hand out of his, opened the car door, exclaimed, "Thanks for the ride!" and briskly walked to my house without looking back.  I felt so conflicted, I still feel so conflicted.  This is someone I said "I love you" to only 2 months ago.  And now, we barely talk.  

He was such a big part of my life for the last year, it's hard to let go.  I desperately want him to reach out again, even though I shouldn't.  Worst of all, I know now that I shouldn't have jumped into a relationship.  I'm in love with Stephen, I know that, but I don't know what our future will be.  We've talked about long-term things, and that's so scary to me.  I'm only 19, while he's 22 (almost 23) and looking for something permanent.  I can't fathom the idea that this may be my first and only real relationship, but it's also an amazing relationship.  He is so kind, loving, and giving.  There cannot be a better boyfriend out there.  I just wish I could get Cole out of my head, but a part of me doesn't want to.