Miss him so
Eddie's birthday is Wednesday. So you know me - I have a plan. Joshua, Christina & their mom are coming over for dinner. I am making Eddie's favorite cake. Spice cake with buttercream frosting. I made that cake for him his whole life, except for last year. He passed on 9/4 & his birthday came 18 days later on 9/22. I used to love September. It is a painful month now. My plan is to rejoice in the years that he was here on his birthday. My grandchildren want to look at pictures. Deep breath - pictures are rough for me now.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
Replies
Oh Linda, I remember the first time I saw someone who looked a lot like my son from behind. I wanted to run up and hug him. I kept following him around the store. He probably thought he was being stalked. It does take you aback. I like the thought that it was a gift....a glimpse of your Eddie. You are not crazy...just a mom missing her son. Hugs, Kim
Thank you, Kim
The day that I had to see face to face the man that killed my family, was the only time I had something like you experienced with Eddie. I was in the parking lot heading toward the door of the court office. There was a man that had something so much about him that reminded me of my husband who died. I wanted to call out to him. I stopped and waited until he turned around. When I could see his face, clearly it was not him but it was like his Spirit was in that other person. I think unless one experiences that, it\'s kind of hard to express it. But it\'s our loved one that IS REALLY THERE somehow....! Love, Donna