Miss him so
Eddie's birthday is Wednesday. So you know me - I have a plan. Joshua, Christina & their mom are coming over for dinner. I am making Eddie's favorite cake. Spice cake with buttercream frosting. I made that cake for him his whole life, except for last year. He passed on 9/4 & his birthday came 18 days later on 9/22. I used to love September. It is a painful month now. My plan is to rejoice in the years that he was here on his birthday. My grandchildren want to look at pictures. Deep breath - pictures are rough for me now.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
Yesterday I shopped for some things for the birthday dinner in honor of Eddie. Ken saw him too or I would have thought I was hallucinating. A man that looked exactly like Eddie. At first we saw him from behind a few aisles away. He dressed like Eddie, walked like Eddie. I said to Ken, "Look". He said, "I know". So not an apparition, just a man that resembled my son. Tears well up in my eyes as we continued shopping. I tried to remember what my grief counselor said. She has said, embrace these things. Reminders of Eddie, signs. We kept shopping. The man crossed our paths again. He was facing me now. I was across from him, not in the same aisle, at a different counter. I started walking toward him saying, "Ed, Ed." Ken pulled me over & said, "Stop it. Thats not him." He wore shorts, his hair curled under his baseball cap just like Eddie's. The way he moved, exactly the same. I burst into tears. I think I embarrassed Ken but who cares? Im crying now writing this. Am I truly losing my mind? I know my son is no longer on this earth, but I wanted to reach out & hold this man & I was sure it was Eddie.
It scares me because I know it wasn't Eddie, but if Ken hadn't stopped me I would have asked him if he was. I saw my son's body. I know he's gone from here - how can I be so irrational? I know trauma can really compromise a person's ability to think. I wasn't hallucinating Ken saw him too.
I'm here because I know no one will judge me here. Ken has been as good as good can be, but I think it scares him when I act irrational. I can understand that - it scares me too. Its just so, so painful. So hard to believe I'll never see him or touch him or speak to him again in this lifetime.
Thank you friends for listening.
Replies
Ah, I think I would have done the same thing! I can\'t imagine how it must have felt to see someone who so resembles your son. Of course, you know you\'re not crazy, just longing. We so want magic even when we know its not real. I hope the birthday dinner can bring some joy along with the sadness.
Our minds keep saying \"that\'s ridiculous\" while our hearts say \"but what if...\" I would agree with your counselor ~ embrace these moments of finding even a shred of hope and comfort.
Would you mind shipping a slice of that spice cake to me? I never made one but all of a sudden I remembered the yummy ones my Mom used to make!
I do hope you find some moments of peace and even smiles on Eddie\'s birthday.
Sending love and hugs your way ~ Debbie
I think your observation of Eddie\'s birthday sounds wonderful.....and yes, I would like some of that spice cake, too!! I have seem young men who resemble Brandon at times....good build and shaved head.....I understand your wish to hug them or ask them who they are.....it is so not fair. Love to you and Eddie....many birthday hugs and kisses for mom and son.....love, dale...brandon\'s mom
It wasn\'t Eddie but maybe you were meant to see this man. And maybe Ken was meant to be there to keep you from maybe getting hurt by this man\'s reaction to what you may have uttered or done had you approached him. Who knows? That really doesn\'t even make sense to me, but this is what my mind told me to write.The spice cake sounds yummy and I hope the celebration of Eddie\'s birth will be everything you wish it to be. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
Thank you all. Love & peace.
There is a person that mows a house that is two houses down...he looks like Alex, he dresses like Alex...is tan like Alex...the first time I saw him...I just stared...watched him...the neighbors if they say me...probably thought I was nuts...lets be \"nuts\" together...love and hugs...karen
I beieve our grief at times is so overpowering that it hinders our rational thinking. It is absolutley understandable that you wanted to embrace this man that looked so much like your Eddie. Our hearts are telling us on thing, and at the same time, our minds are trying to remind us of reality.Last year at my grandaughters basketball game,my daughter said mom look, and I looked just a few feet from us and there was a young man who could have been Mitch\'s twin, I couldn\'t stop staring at him. I wanted so bad to go over and touch him-I knew it wasn\'t Mitch, but, I wanted to embrace this total stranger-my daughter got onto me and told me to stop staring at him.The rest of basketball season I looked foward to seeing him-kinda crazy isn\'t it.Please don\'t be too hard on yourself- this loss sometimes does some really unpredictable things to us. Thank you for sharing this story, With Much Love, Charlene
It feels as if you are planning a heartfelt celebration in honoring Eddie and the incredible son that he is. Both my husband and I have seen young men that resembled our son, Doug, and in that moment I feel every emotion. Most of all I think of how incredibly blessed and lucky his parents are. You are feeling all that you need to and it is not irrational. I think too as do some of the others that it may be sent as a gift of consolation that Eddie is truly with you. Sometimes I think we have to be hit over the top of our heads with the old \"cosmic two by four\" to get our attention and this might have been one of those times with the birthday approaching... who knows? Sending you lots of tender loving care and so much understanding my friend. If you are irrational then you have all of us here on FMO that are too. :) XO Joanie
Thanks to all for your support. I am going to accept this as a gift that I got a glimpse of Eddie. Love & peace.
I am sorry but I laughed a bit cause if you are crazy so am I. I have been known to follow young men around in the store. I remember one young man, it was not so much that he looked like Rich but his scent was Richard. I kept walking behind him and as often as I could I would get next to him and breath in his essence. I remember following cars around cause the car was the same color as Richards and the back of the guys head reminded me of my son. Let\'s be crazy together my friend. Hugs, Inga
Linda, I have on occasion seen someone who resembles Doug, takes my breath away, my pulse skips a beat. The physical separation is so difficult. I\'ve been working on connecting with Doug in a more spiritual nature, but damn I still miss the physical. Love and hugs, Sue xo
I know. I so miss the physical - the drinking in of his essence. I thank God I can still recall it. Hugs.
Jeremy always had a way of wearing his hat, I\'ve never seen it on anyone before. The new guy that is on my site with me is a wonderful young man of 25, thursday he put on his hat the same way Jeremy did, I almost came out of my chair!! It spooked me for a second. Love and hugs, Angela
I see Jeff sometimes. sometimes it is someone who just looks like him and I know this. Sometimes I believe it is Jeff. It just depends on where it is that I see him. If it is on the street or somewhere that Jeff would not be I know it is not him. If he is in front of me in a movie theater or standing by a shelf in Wal-mart and I see him from a distance and then he is gone I do believe it is him. My family was fortunate in that we knew Jeff would not have a long life. We were able to say and do things that would make a difference in how this time after Jeff\'s passing would happen. I knew it was OK to cremate Jeff because we had talked about it. I know he doesn\'t need to be scattered, he wants to be with me. He also told me to look for him after he died because he would not go anywhere without me, that he will always be with me and that if there was any way that he could , he would let me see him. Love & hugs, Colleen
It really does take you aback doesn\'t it? Love & peace to you.