mind has been racing

I went to work earlier today. Then went to figure drawing class. I used to be an artist - but though I have been pushing

myself to get 'back in the saddle' again ..so to speak..It's not really working. I can't draw anymore. I no longer have the vision- the 'mind's eye' for it. And as I sat there earlier today in the enourmous room where we were all figure drawing a model, I kind of realized that I kind of try and connect the dots in my life in action and mentally. Fulfilling a template of perhaps what I am supposed to do or what's required. I tried to look outside of that. So as rather than be lost in thought and process, I tried to just 'be' - and see what I was doing in the framework of what I liked, rather than only be about shoulds and what I ought to be doing.

It's rough. My mind has been racing a lot - and it feels like it's insatiable. That's the illness.

I need to write entries of my observations like I do here - to somehow excorcise the energy and feel like I have some presence of mind with regards to how I am living my days. It's weird. I don't have a lot of control - but I think the awareness is maybe a step forward. A step forward so I can make for a decent day and days.