milestone?
I was pretty relaxed most of last night. I felt more like myself...whatever that means.
When I got up today (before noon!) I was feeling a bit anxious about what I would do, as always. On a whim, I texted a friend about going to an art fair that's been going on all over town. I figured he would have to work or that it would be too late notice, but he said sure! I went off to shower (all by myself which is also a victory) and noticed how it had started to rain...I was already coming up with excuses to get out of going to the fair, but when I got out of the shower lo and behold, my friend texted he was already downstairs waiting for me. Doh! I think he knew I might talk myself out of the excursion, so he just showed up so I couldn't. Brilliant.
So off into the disgusting rain we went. But despite the rain, I found myself actually interested in looking at the artwork and thanks to lorazepam, wasn't too anxious around the crowds. It felt nice and comfortable to be with my good friend (who I don't get to spend enough alone time with) just walking around and checking things out. I even felt more or less engaged in our conversations and even laughed a few times! I even managed to go with him to the very crowded bookstore afterward to pick out some travel books he needed.
So there have been a lot of exclamation marks in this post - that's because I can't quite believe I was able to do what I did today. I can't quite believe today! I thought about doing something I would normally think is fun and beyond that, even took steps to do it. And I did. And I think relatively speaking, I had a good time. No, I wasn't jumping up and down, but I also wasn't hating every second, hoping to go back home and jump into bed! This feels pretty huge.
When I got home, I even made a little something for myself to eat. I made it. Not ordered, not asked my fiance, I made it. (To be fair, it only involves boiling water, but seriously!) Then, I even had the courage to call my brother and while I was on the phone, I organized! I managed to get rid of a huge stack of old magazines that were in my bedroom. I can't believe I did something constructive!
Ok. Deep breaths. I am still feeling a bit anxious about tonight and the rest of the weekend, but today was really a milestone sort of day. I hope hope hope hope that whatever has overtaken me will stay on for a while. I don't need there to be huge milestones every day, but if I could look at today as a step forward - a tiny step forward - rather than a fluke or hiccup, that would be amazing.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
When I got up today (before noon!) I was feeling a bit anxious about what I would do, as always. On a whim, I texted a friend about going to an art fair that's been going on all over town. I figured he would have to work or that it would be too late notice, but he said sure! I went off to shower (all by myself which is also a victory) and noticed how it had started to rain...I was already coming up with excuses to get out of going to the fair, but when I got out of the shower lo and behold, my friend texted he was already downstairs waiting for me. Doh! I think he knew I might talk myself out of the excursion, so he just showed up so I couldn't. Brilliant.
So off into the disgusting rain we went. But despite the rain, I found myself actually interested in looking at the artwork and thanks to lorazepam, wasn't too anxious around the crowds. It felt nice and comfortable to be with my good friend (who I don't get to spend enough alone time with) just walking around and checking things out. I even felt more or less engaged in our conversations and even laughed a few times! I even managed to go with him to the very crowded bookstore afterward to pick out some travel books he needed.
So there have been a lot of exclamation marks in this post - that's because I can't quite believe I was able to do what I did today. I can't quite believe today! I thought about doing something I would normally think is fun and beyond that, even took steps to do it. And I did. And I think relatively speaking, I had a good time. No, I wasn't jumping up and down, but I also wasn't hating every second, hoping to go back home and jump into bed! This feels pretty huge.
When I got home, I even made a little something for myself to eat. I made it. Not ordered, not asked my fiance, I made it. (To be fair, it only involves boiling water, but seriously!) Then, I even had the courage to call my brother and while I was on the phone, I organized! I managed to get rid of a huge stack of old magazines that were in my bedroom. I can't believe I did something constructive!
Ok. Deep breaths. I am still feeling a bit anxious about tonight and the rest of the weekend, but today was really a milestone sort of day. I hope hope hope hope that whatever has overtaken me will stay on for a while. I don't need there to be huge milestones every day, but if I could look at today as a step forward - a tiny step forward - rather than a fluke or hiccup, that would be amazing.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
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