Might As Well Face It I'm Addicted to Love
13 weeks. 13 weeks since I got the last look of my ex. 13 weeks with no contact (unless you count that unfortunate slip up where I emailed him but he ignored it anyway...so I don't know if that counts or not!). 13 weeks of healing and recovery. 13 weeks of support and friendship. But I have to face facts...I'm addicted to this shit because I almost texted him today. I sat at my desk at work and I thought to myself ... "well maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's not as bad as I remembered. Maybe he's not a Narc after all. Maybe I'm just Narc-crazy! I could just text him and see how he's doing. I mean we spent time together. We were practically inseparable and now we're just not going to talk .. I mean just NEVER see each other again? Pretend like we never shared things about each other. Like we never made memories. Like the pictures of us on my phone and computer are all a fantasy. Pretend like he never existed? What's the harm in just knowing how he is? What he's doing? If he's extemely miserable without me" My finger was right above the "send" button and I almost pushed it but I stopped. And I looked within myself and I said to myself "You, my dear friend, are like an alchoholic. You are justifying to yourself why it would be okay to contact him. Okay to have send just ONE text. But what if you send this text and he ignores it because his thoughts have not strayed towards you since he left and you know it or worse still he answers it and you find yourself sucked into the game again because you are still so very vulnerable. Girl, then you have not learned as much as I know you have! You are strong! You can do this! And you are NOT going back there." And I didn't send the message. I distracted myself and I thought of DS and remembered what I want. What I truly want. And then it came back to me: the crying and the confusion and the not sleeping and not eating and the bashing and slashing of my self-esteem and the depression and the ignoring everything else in my life. I have come to far to go back there. But I cannot fool myself for one minute that I am not addicted. So it means I have to push myself harder, get more support, learn more, do more exercises, excise me from all this pain. Today was a rough day....but I resisted and I persisted. Because if I REALLY want this I have to do what it takes.
Replies
I am SO inspired by your journal!!! I am on day 19 and I it makes me feel so comforted knowing that even though it will continue to be difficult, maybe I will be able to find the strength within as you did, to finish what I\'ve started. 13 weeks!!! HOLY S*%#!!! I\'m so impressed and proud of you! I have been practically jumping out of my skin wanting to call or text message because I too, have started to think that maybe, just maybe I was the one who had it all wrong. Do you still think about him pretty constantly??? How long did that last??? I am always asking SusyP for a timeline...when can I expect this to feel even marginally better??? LOL...hang in there and know that I am pulling for you and am completely inspired by the strength and resiliance you have been able to employ. Best wishes and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I am so proud of you. Crisis averted!!! YEAH ... It is SO HARD not to call/text or email but I REFUSE to give him any source of supply. As far as he knows, I have not thought about him ONE TIME. One solitary time in 7 months. hahahhaha what a joke as I have gone on and one to YOU GUYS about him. But guess what? He does not know that and HE NEVER WILL because I wil NEVER give him the satisfaction of knowing.
You are doing great! Good for you for not hitting that send button. I used to send my NPD ex texts and emails and there was a 99% chance he\'d ignore them and that would send my abandonment issues out of control. When I finally got away for good and never contacted him again, it took awhile for me to stop WANTING to contact him. But I reached a point where there was absolutely no way I\'d ever talk to him again, not if he was the last man on earth. All the learning about NPD helped me to realize I don\'t want anyone like that in my life ever again. There is nothing that man could possibly offer me. It has now been a year of no contact. Unfortunately, we work in the same building and I\'ve done a pretty good of avoiding him so far, but last week he actually walked up to me and started talking/flirting like we were buddies or something. I was stunned. I just kept walking right past him while he was talking to me, didn\'t even look at him. You will get to this point too. We deserve way better than guys like that, they aren\'t worth an ounce of our time or energy.
Thank you all for your comments and support. I keep asking myself why it is such a HARD thing to get rid of a guy who treated you like s#$t!
Erin20 I WISH I had a timeline! Sometimes I\'ll be fine not thinking about him at all then a memory will trigger me or I\'ll be having a crappy day or am down on myself and there he pops right back in. I hope with doing all the work on myself I will get to where AgentSmith is and not want to be with him. If he came up to me and started flirting I\'d probably fall over dead, I wouldn\'t even KNOW what to do! You\'re soooo strong AgentSmith!!!
SusyP\'s strength inspires me too! You\'ll be pleased to know that a lot of my strength comes in knowing that if someone else can do it so can I!!
Thanks girls!
Well it didn\'t happen overnight. There was a long time when I would have gone back if he had just apologized or made some kind of effort at all. I would come home from working hoping to see his truck waiting for me. Every time the phone rang I hoped it was him, I\'d hope he\'d email or text. Never happened. When he has gotten what he wants out of someone, he throws them away and that\'s it, not so much as a good bye or even a \"break up\". Just stops contact. So he never attempted to contact me again which helped me from relapsing. Although I did have my fair share of relapsing and going back to him when I knew I shouldn\'t have. But there was a point where I was just done and even though it was hard, it became easier and easier. Now he\'s worse than scum on the bottom of my shoe. He\'s just a total loser and that\'s completely obvious to me know. It will be for you one day too. Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better and his life will always be miserable because he\'ll never know how to love or let someone love him. He\'ll go through life feeling sorry for himself and using people and throwing them away. He\'s nothing.
Blown Away by this entry arat38.
I have not much to say other than congratulations. That is the big step that actually if acknowledged, as you have done, persistently etc begins to loosen the habit. It is the step a lot of people take the most time with and can not tolerate. But, hey, you tolerated and your mind actually worked for you. It came up with the answer Just in the nick of time.
something like AgentSmith said...you will see him as scum in the not so distant future and be thanking yourself for aligning with new program regardless of the pain. The pain will dissolve by another means. But first keep away from abusive people.