Might As Well Face It I'm Addicted to Love

13 weeks.  13 weeks since I got the last look of my ex.  13 weeks with no contact (unless you count that unfortunate slip up where I emailed him but he ignored it anyway...so I don't know if that counts or not!). 13 weeks of healing and recovery.  13 weeks of support and friendship. But I have to face facts...I'm addicted to this shit because I almost texted him today.  I sat at my desk at work and I thought to myself ... "well maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe he's not as bad as I remembered.  Maybe he's not a Narc after all.  Maybe I'm just Narc-crazy! I could just text him and see how he's doing.  I mean we spent time together.  We were practically inseparable and now we're just not going to talk .. I mean just NEVER see each other again?  Pretend like we never shared things about each other.  Like we never made memories.  Like the pictures of us on my phone and computer are all a fantasy.  Pretend like he never existed? What's the harm in just knowing how he is?  What he's doing?  If he's extemely miserable without me"  My finger was right above the "send" button and I almost pushed it but I stopped.  And I looked within myself and I said to myself "You, my dear friend, are like an alchoholic.  You are justifying to yourself why it would be okay to contact him.  Okay to have send just ONE text.  But  what if you send this text and he ignores it because his thoughts have not strayed towards you since he left and you know it or worse still he answers it and you find yourself sucked into the game again because you are still so very vulnerable.  Girl, then you have not learned as much as I know you have!  You are strong!  You can do this! And you are NOT going back there." And I didn't send the message.  I distracted myself and I thought of DS and remembered what I want. What I truly want.    And then it came back to me: the crying and the confusion and the not sleeping and not eating and the bashing and slashing of my self-esteem and the depression and the ignoring everything else in my life.  I have come to far to go back there.  But I cannot fool myself for one minute that I am not addicted.  So it means I have to push myself harder, get more support, learn more, do more exercises, excise me from all this pain.   Today was a rough day....but I resisted and I persisted. Because if I REALLY want this I have to do what it takes.