Midnight in the Garden of Codependency

I woke up angry.  Its 12:51 AM.  I went to bed at about 830.  I could have gotten more weed which would have assured that I slept through the night- but I didn't.  I didn't bc I always want to quit, for one, and bc I thought I could sleep through the night, for two.  Well that didn't happen.  My sickness woke me up- not the weed thing- I'm actually quite sick right now.  I can't be away from a bathroom for too long and my throat hurts.  That and yesterday it was the first day for my time of the month and I still have cramps.  Anyway- I don't know if I'm angrier at myself or my mom.  I could have gotten more weed.  But then again- if I didn't live with her I wouldn't need to smoke weed.  I really believe that's true.  If I knew I had my own place I wouldn't need to smoke.  And if that's the case then I really should focus on getting my own place. Maybe this place brings me an odd comfort that I'm scared to leave.  The comfort of having to take care of something fucked up.  I say its odd bc its really not comfortable at all.  Hmmm Thing is I wake up and usually at this time my ma is sleeping.  Not tonight.  She's sitting in the hallway room with two lights on.  The light is shining through my door.  So I get up, open the door and the light blinds me.  So I say "ma- ur still up?" I knew that if I walked out there w that light then I wouldn't get back to sleep.  But I had to go to the bathroom.  So I saw that my ma had the light on next to her.  So I got up and turned off the hallway light.  She gets the voice w me.  As I walked across the room I said "oh you have your own light on?" And then I turned off the hallway light.  She was like "okay.". In that tone that says "why did you turn off the light, you complete fucking idiot? Surely, since you're a complete fucking moron, you don't have a good reason for it". So I snapped at her and said "its the middle of the night and I just woke up- you can't understand why I the blaring light would upset me?". I didn't wait for the response.Honestly I feel tricked.  She apologized this weekend for some shit that happened when I was a kid.  And I guess part of me just thought she'd change.  But she can't.  She can't bc she doesn't want to.  I really believe that if she truly loved me then she would stop drinking and get help. I guess the same faulty logic applies to my father- but I don't feel it with him.  Maybe bc he doesn't even apologize.  So I guess its really unfair to my ma to expect more of her just bc she actually tries to make up for what she did.  And I know its unfair to equate her drinking or lack thereof with her love for me or lack thereof.  The truth is that no matter how much she loves me- she's still a drunk.  That used to be one of my affirmations.  I guess I have to make it another one of my affirmations.  I do love my mom.  But she's a human being.  She's never going to change for me.  I guess I really have to work on accepting that.  But part of accepting that means to not talk to her about my life.  Bc I can't give her that level of trust.  There are things she can't understand bc she doesn't want to.  Or she's not capable.  I think I need to focus on that.  She's just not capable of change.Bc there still is good there.  And I really want to focus on that love instead of what she's not capable of.  Its not her fault that I can't sleep.  I'm an addict too.  And even though I love myself, I haven't stopped smoking yet. Guess I'm not so different.