mid day venting

I feel like shit. I'm not sure why. I wanted to put a day in at the office and I haven't gotten there yet. So even though its 240 in the afternoon I feel like its too late for me to go to the office and have a productive day- rediculous. I feel fat. I wanted to sleep before so I ate some pasta- about 800 calories worth- so I could pass out. I wanted to sleep for 30 min. I slept for about 2 hours. Woke up feeling like a piece of shit.

U know what I used to say about being a drug addict- that its all fine and good until the money runs out. That's when u realize how much u need it- when u can't get it. That's why whenever my dealer isn't home I feel this imminent need to smoke- like I can't do anything else until I smoke. Fucking crazy. There is so much I can do right now, so much I have to do that I would feel awesome about if I did it- but I'm not doing it? Why? Bc I have an issue w self destruction. Its like I don't really believe I deserve good things. Part of me does- but then there's a bigger part that just feels like I'm not good enough to feel good and to have good things. I wonder why. My therapist says to ask the question even if you can't fathom finding the answer. Why? Why do I feel the need to self- destruct?