Merry Christmas Eve!

One thing I want to say this morning is that I noticed that I get up every morning to check in with DS and my friends. It's my current connection (contact) with the outside world where I can feel comfortable talking about things that I enjoy talking about, with like-minded souls. I share a common interest here which is not as easy to find in 'real' life. I can say it is my hobby, and I guess I can say co-dependency and psychology and counseling are my main hobbies; human behavior and motivation; where is it dysfunctional and how do you "fix it". So thank YOU, FRIENDS. Another thing I'm thankful for is our weather-predicting system. I'm amazed at how accurate these people are at telling me when something is going to happen and what can be expected, expecially major abrupt changes. I can't imagine the discomfort 100 years ago when people would be caught in a freeze, hurricane, flood, etc. without any warning. Especially the freeze. (Being prepared is a constant theme with me. Which is an interesting admission considering it's the second reference to it this morning. I may have to look into the feelings behind that, soon. It has something to do with avoiding embarassment.) I am currently re-reading a book I recently finished, but only the underlined parts that I thought were key the first time. This helps me actually understand the new concepts and decide which ones are most important. It seems I arrange them in a heirarchal order of importance. One thing that really caught my attention was the sentence about "DESCRIBE feelings and not EXPLAIN them", which is the opposite of what I do. (This is something that Gwen pointed out once again and I have come to the conclusion that I may have to send her a wig soon for all the hair she has pulled out trying to get me to wake up from my pessimistic-ego-coma. And I thank her for her efforts. I really appreciate her sticking with me all this time.) The next thing is the actual "describing" of feelings, the thought of which brought every feeling to a grinding HALT, suddenly. I'm not sure I'm willing to do that here (yet). The "Prime Directive" for me, and many DS people (I suppose, I don't actually know) is to AVOID feelings, not FEEL them! So I have to examine that feeling alone. It's something I never do, it's NEW, and I don't know how to do it; same ol', same ol'. It's so unusual I don't know where to start, so I'll probably avoid it for a while. For some reason I want to organize my thoughts about it, which is telling as a behavior. I'm still used to explaining (making excuses) which I feel is helping to become aware of who I am. I think explaining is descriptive, which is what I need. I'm learning who I really am. AND, I'm not in the mood to apologize for being who I am right now. I start with "I am a Pessimist"; it's who I am, or have become. I'm not going to apologize any more than someone who gets cancer needs to apologize, or someone who gets the flu needs to apologize. The first thing is to admit I have the flu (if I have it) and not deny it; it's the first step in change. Which brings up the "Paradoxical Principle of Change (Beisser 1970) which asserts that human change will not occur unless or until the person fully faces what-is, until he comes to a detailed and vivid grasp of how he actually lives and typically behaves in his current circumstances." VIVID and DETAILED are the key words for me here. This is where I'm going, to get a real description of who I am and how I am acting that is so detrimental to my happiness. And maybe, the next step is to describe my feelings. In any case, that's MY situation, and this is how (in my DS journal) I am working my way through to finding out who I am. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Codependent-free Day!         

Replies

Richeart
Richeart

So now I do want to share some feelings, now that you ask, :^) I wrote about making A\'s and break-jobs and it does bring up a feeling. I DO have a feeling to excel, to do my best. I also understand that C+ students do their best too. The thing is, I\'m not a C+ student, I actually am an A or B student. I really am intelligent in some areas, not all, obviously, but some. I really am left-brained and am pretty good at solving problems, in some cases. I really do want to do my best and contribute as well as I can, and if what I\'m doing does not provide as good a service as \'possible\', if I am \'bad\' at what I\'m doing, perhaps I should do something else. I take it as a personal goal to do my best for others, I do not go in with the attitude that all I want is the money, no responsibility for doing well, \"screw \'em, just pay me so I can go get what I want\". I think that is self-centered, narcissistic, and selfish. I want to do my best for others, and that may be co-dependent. My feeling is to do my best without trying to be perfect at all times. To offer less than my best is stealing. That\'s how I feel.

Somehow I feel it\'s connected to disappointment, how I\'ve been let down by promises that led me to expectations. To expect everyone to be as diligent and sincere as I am in doing their best, (and I\'ve been fooled enough times to be really negative), may be the flaw. Expecting others to be as committed to doing well as I am I try to be is arrogant, and foolish. It\'s immature. Still, I want a place to practice doing as well as I can and getting rewarded for it, not punished. Right now I feel frustrated for not having a place to express my energy, my self.

Perhaps, in the end, all is in order. In the future this may all be worth something. Who knows?
Richeart
Richeart

Now I get it Gwen! Nobody likes a \"smart-ass\". It\'s fear of rejection. Over-qualified. So where do smart-asses go to be useful? I\'m thinking I\'m on the right track in school, I feel it! I\'ve tried making it as a bully (superintendent) and a carpenter, those didn\'t work and made me sick. I am too kind and caring, and want to do too well. Too intense; I really don\'t fit in. Right now I don\'t know where to go. Perhaps God will eventually guide me, if I ask.
mgs1
mgs1

I suppose when the pain gets to much - you will get it. Priorities and perspectives are what seem skewed. Even if \"it\"was perfect from someone else\'s eyes, I fear you would say it isn\'t. others do give what they have - it is you who isn\'t valuing it and perceive it as being taken advantage of. Perhaps, it is a lesson that was delivered, the value is not always in that which we see, hold or touch.
Accept the lessons - do not try and justify why it wasn\'t one.
Your description of a superintendent is typical of your thought patterns - \"bully\"
others would have said coach, project leader, mentor, director.. many other choices. Again - what can I say - \"perspective.\" And \"carpenter\" you noted as if it were a profession to be ashamed of. Jesus was a carpenter.
You can be very knowledgeable, you just don\'t have to lead with it, show it,
hang it out there. Learn all you can and be content with your knowledge, just don\'t let it be a measure of who you or others are.
Richeart
Richeart

That\'s what I need, another viewpoint. I am \'blind\' to what I\'m doing. I don\'t \'see\' it. Thanks for the extra set of eyes. I have to make a fool of myself and constantly fail here in order for others to describe the \"invariant pattern\". I have to have the detailed description; many people don\'t, except I\'m not many people, I am detailed right now. I don\'t compute \"Don\'t sweat the small stuff\" yet. And the more I write about my \'stupid\' feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, the more feedback I get. The point is the feedback about the \'loop\'. I\'m stuck and I can\'t see it, and I will see it when I\'m ready. There\'s no way around it IMHO.

It\'s a very long process, it is not an end-goal, a destination. The end result is a moving target; life is not static, it\'s dynamic...always changing and moving. So I\'m in for the long haul. None-the-less, I still believe I\'ll succeed.

I like the idea of learning all I can and being content. The more I read the more I\'m certain about my graduate work. I constantly get affirmations as to my suitability to do what I\'m wanting to do. They\'re small ones, but they are significant and show that I have the necessary characteristics; despite my negativity. Good advice, thanks.

The pain is high, and I used the pain of drinking to get angry. I have not reached that pain yet to get angry enough to motivate me to change. I avoid the pain, plus I don\'t see what I\'m doing. I could \"see\" the drinking, the \'process memory\' of habitual thinking is not yet visible, so I appreciate your observations. Big Hug Gwen...