mental tornadoes afoot........

overwhelmed, alone, anxious.  hate feeling this way.  HATE feeling THIS way.  tears on my cheeks, pain in my emotional heart.  think and wonder about death.  is it an escape?  is it wrong to cross the line and wonder?  someone once said that the only possession of any real importance that we have is LIFE.  nothing beyond this precious gift of living. 

to wish it away is in effect throwing away the most amazing thing we have........so i fight the overwhelming moments of sadness.  i have a little cry.  i blow my nose, i see the effect on my face........the physical signs of sadness, hurt and alone.  the redness, the swollen eyes.......the stuff nose.  life is messy and yet life is astonishing too.

i have these moments when i feel this sense of something......i can't settle down.  i can't just lie there, it's this in between state.  not as sick as usual, not well enough to do much.  a restless feeling where just when i think i'll close my eyes for a nap i find myself getting up, sitting on the edge of the bed.......wondering if .......wondering why........wondering when.........what........where.

i come into another room and look around.....i see the sunlight outside, i know it's a warm day......yet it means nothing for i have no where to go, no need that has to be handled this day.  no one that needs my help, no one that comes around......when someone like Stella says she is going to do something with me I take it with a grain of salt.......actions speak louder than words.  last month she was going to take me out for my birthday......but that never happened.  she forgot or got busy........it's ok, that's what people to.  they forget, they are busy, that is a known fact.  i left sara a voicemail to say hey sweet girl, tell me all the details of the job offer.....she didn't respond.  i left a second voicemail, hey sweetie, let's work on a plan for your birthday.......nothing, zero, zip, nada.  people forget, people are busy. 

i have the biggest forgetter of all, so how can i be upset when others forget?  get busy?  gotta be fair.   my ears hurt, my sinuses hurt, my shoulders hurt, my hips, my a, b, c, d and more HURT and HURT.  not new.  i'm tired.  my eyes are red and irritated.  i'm taking antibiotics and i got a big increase on my electrical bill.  it's just gone up by $41 a month.  reason a. why i'm freaked out.  then i got a bill from the bad doctor's office, the one who calls herself a rheumatologist still.  they say i still owe them money.  wow, really......what?  the last time i was there i was ASSURED that EVERYTHING WAS ALL PAID UP......AMANDA SAID YOU ARE PAID IN FULL.......AND NOW THEY WANT MORE MONEY?  i would call them right now, but they are closed until 2 pm est.  just as well, i'm still recovering emotionally from talking to the electric company.  the lady was very kind, but it didn't bring my bill down. 

at the base of the emotions is the big emotion, FEAR.  fear throws me into disarray, it's inconvenient, it creates a physical reaction, i felt the fear turn into a high wind in my mind.......a swirling wind, as if it could pick me up and toss me from Georgia to Oklahoma in an instant. a mental tornado, where sense ceases and fear overtakes all.  my intelligence allows me to see it for what it is even in the midst of it all........but intelligence doesn't stop the grief that comes out of my throat.........a keening sound, i tap it down as quickly as i can for i don't want it to take me down.  i want to keep myself safe. safe is everything........a necessity.  not as necessary as air, but pretty doggone close. 

the emotional storm is passing now........maybe it's time for lunch.  when i was a kid i read a story about a little girl who used to eat tomato and cheese sandwiches........i thought that was so WEIRD, something I would never do........but now I am finally that little girl, I can and I will have a delicious freshly sliced tomato and cheese sandwich for lunch with a cup of tea.  that's a good solid plan, something i can do that makes me feel that life is propelling forward in a positive direction.  something i can do now to reassure and nourish myself.  after that i'll take a baby step or two into the afternoon......try not to get scared.  try to stay on even ground.  i think i can.