Mental images.
I am having a really bad day just when I thought I was getting better suddenly I cant stop crying.
On Monday I returned home after 3 days away in the UK. I travelled with 28 women who were attending a Hen Party - since I wasnt up to a hen party, I used the chance to travel and visit my stepson. Even after 3 days of company within 5 minutes of being through my front door I was in tears. I was upset because I had had nobody to phone to say "we are on the last leg of our journey can you pick me up in 30 minutes" , nobody to meet the coach when it arrived to say welcome home. I stood surrounded by women being greeted by their husbands/boyfriends/children and felt so invisible for several minutes. Friends dropped me home and then there is was - the door to an empty house with nobody in there to tell about the weekend, who said what, where I went, what I bought etc etc. I guess I need to try to get used to it but I dont know if I have the strength. I have a lot of feelings about the situation but the uppermost emotion is JEALOUSY and "why me"?
If he had died of the cancer maybe I could have accepted it as the end of two years of post operative pain for him - BUT he didn't - on 25 September 2013 he had a respiratory check up - "all clear - come back in 3 months" and we heaved a deep sigh of relief.
5 days later on 30 September we had to have an ambulance off the ferry as an emergency and on 7 October he died, having been intubated for 6 days. He died of a blood clot on his lung from an undiagnosed DVT in his leg - he had complained about his breathing and his legs but they didn't listen.
It is all so unfair - he didnt deserve any of it and the terror in his eyes during his last conscious days is terrible to remember. I didn't get to say goodbye, I never spoke to him again, I sat with him as he took his last breath and it is all I can see - his last breath on this earth.
On Monday I returned home after 3 days away in the UK. I travelled with 28 women who were attending a Hen Party - since I wasnt up to a hen party, I used the chance to travel and visit my stepson. Even after 3 days of company within 5 minutes of being through my front door I was in tears. I was upset because I had had nobody to phone to say "we are on the last leg of our journey can you pick me up in 30 minutes" , nobody to meet the coach when it arrived to say welcome home. I stood surrounded by women being greeted by their husbands/boyfriends/children and felt so invisible for several minutes. Friends dropped me home and then there is was - the door to an empty house with nobody in there to tell about the weekend, who said what, where I went, what I bought etc etc. I guess I need to try to get used to it but I dont know if I have the strength. I have a lot of feelings about the situation but the uppermost emotion is JEALOUSY and "why me"?
If he had died of the cancer maybe I could have accepted it as the end of two years of post operative pain for him - BUT he didn't - on 25 September 2013 he had a respiratory check up - "all clear - come back in 3 months" and we heaved a deep sigh of relief.
5 days later on 30 September we had to have an ambulance off the ferry as an emergency and on 7 October he died, having been intubated for 6 days. He died of a blood clot on his lung from an undiagnosed DVT in his leg - he had complained about his breathing and his legs but they didn't listen.
It is all so unfair - he didnt deserve any of it and the terror in his eyes during his last conscious days is terrible to remember. I didn't get to say goodbye, I never spoke to him again, I sat with him as he took his last breath and it is all I can see - his last breath on this earth.
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