mental block
I have this extreme mental block against the assignment I have to do for work. It's already a week late as of yesterday. As it stands today it looks like it won't be getting done by end of business day and therefore I have to submit it tomorrow.
It should be mentioned that I'm basically working for this dude for free. He has absolutely not paid me 90% of what he owes me. I live every day of my life hand to mouth. Times are rough for me. I have work that I can be doing right now instead of this shit I'm handing in for him and I resent it. That work would pay me. That work would better my life. Instead, I'm working on this shit for someone who hasn't paid me.
It should be mentioned that this dude is a womanizer- and fucking great at it. He's a salesman. He can talk anyone out or into anything. I feel like I'm getting played by him. I feel like he has no respect for me whatsoever and I'm sitting here breaking my ass, sacrificing, stressing over this shit. I almost dropped this case. Then around tax refund time he threw me some money- hence the 90% instead of 100%. It was a small amount of money- it was shut-the-fuck-up money. It was meant to keep me quiet for a few months. Well done. Mission accomplished. It's been a few months- I'm pissed off again.
Now mind you- it should be mentioned that I don't do what I do solely for the money. I believe in what I do. It's a passion of mine and this case has given me tremendous experience. I guess that's the speech I should give to myself when I'm sitting here working and not getting paid. But fuck that. I feel like I'm a fucking joke to this dude. Like I'm some dumb brod who's trying to blow him and I'm begging and he ain't interested.
I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't start paying me I'm gonna sue him. I have known this man for about 20 years and I feel horrible saying that to him. But fuck that man- he has known me for just as long and seems to not feel bad about not paying me. His whole life he has viewed women like a means to get what he wants. I feel like I'm being used in the same way. I resent it. That's why I can't get myself to finish this shit.
Right now its about mind over matter. Tomorrow I will submit this paper and be done with this negative energy. I will sit here until I finish. Then tomorrow I'll make the call and let him know I will be suing him if he doesn't start paying me.
It should be mentioned that I'm basically working for this dude for free. He has absolutely not paid me 90% of what he owes me. I live every day of my life hand to mouth. Times are rough for me. I have work that I can be doing right now instead of this shit I'm handing in for him and I resent it. That work would pay me. That work would better my life. Instead, I'm working on this shit for someone who hasn't paid me.
It should be mentioned that this dude is a womanizer- and fucking great at it. He's a salesman. He can talk anyone out or into anything. I feel like I'm getting played by him. I feel like he has no respect for me whatsoever and I'm sitting here breaking my ass, sacrificing, stressing over this shit. I almost dropped this case. Then around tax refund time he threw me some money- hence the 90% instead of 100%. It was a small amount of money- it was shut-the-fuck-up money. It was meant to keep me quiet for a few months. Well done. Mission accomplished. It's been a few months- I'm pissed off again.
Now mind you- it should be mentioned that I don't do what I do solely for the money. I believe in what I do. It's a passion of mine and this case has given me tremendous experience. I guess that's the speech I should give to myself when I'm sitting here working and not getting paid. But fuck that. I feel like I'm a fucking joke to this dude. Like I'm some dumb brod who's trying to blow him and I'm begging and he ain't interested.
I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't start paying me I'm gonna sue him. I have known this man for about 20 years and I feel horrible saying that to him. But fuck that man- he has known me for just as long and seems to not feel bad about not paying me. His whole life he has viewed women like a means to get what he wants. I feel like I'm being used in the same way. I resent it. That's why I can't get myself to finish this shit.
Right now its about mind over matter. Tomorrow I will submit this paper and be done with this negative energy. I will sit here until I finish. Then tomorrow I'll make the call and let him know I will be suing him if he doesn't start paying me.
Replies
I\'ve only learned recently, that no matter how much time you know someone, you can really never \"know\" them until something like this comes up. I\'ve had, what I thought were good friends, only to find out later that they would set me up to constantly to use me for one thing or another. I\'m a giving person, but I do have my limits - much to their disappointment.
I need to repeat this mantra everyday, every moment for the rest of my life: If it \"feels\" like it\'s abuse - it is! I also am learning to trust my gut and I\'m learning to stop making excuses for people anymore, because they will take advantage of my loyalty, generosity, and your good nature- eventually. Good people don\'t do that.
Good luck hun... I hope this turns out good.
Thank you so much. I just added that to my affirmations- \"If it feels like abuse, it is.\" That is on top of the list of what urks me. I\'m 30 years old and this is the first time in my life that I am embracing the truth- the entire truth- with no denial, no pretenses. It\'s hard- reality. Escapism is so fucking easy. My dad berated and brow beat into me that it is all my fault- the fact that I\'m not happy and bubbly, that I had an awesome childhood. He used to smile and say \"You had a wonderful childhood.\" The smile told me he knew otherwise but he would never admit it- b/c he had the power to deny it- so why not take the get out of jail free card? I always knew how much it hurt me to hear him say that- but until now I\'ve never known how much it truly took from me. I never had any idea. I didn\'t know that until I knew and believed in my heart that this actually happened to me and that it was horrible and that I don\'t deserve it- that finding happiness will never be possible. I get it now and I\'m never looking back- and fuck anyone who wants to leave my life for it- their dead weight holding me down. If someone really cares about me they will applaud me for facing my demons.
I have to believe in change. I have to believe its possible and I have to believe its possible to be happy- even though I never felt it.
Thanks for your input and well wishes - as always it is much appreciated.