Memories - the good, the bad and the ugly!
I have been home now for 3 months and lots has happened. One included a trip to the emergency room. Everything turned out to be fine physically with me, but those darn anxiety attacks wouldn't go away and I felt like something serious was going on.
Then yesterday my kid, husband and I went for a long drive. Driving in an area that we have driven many times in the past. And out of no ware I have a flash back. I could see the area as it use to be when I was 12/13 years old. THE MEMORY - winter time, going with my mother to check on brother (alcoholic at the time) because his girlfriend had left him and he he smashed everything in sight. Left without him, head back home and was scared of my mothers driving and it began to snow badly. When I had this flash of memory I told my husband right away. Slept well last night.
This morning when my husband and I were alone and having our morning coffee. I went into depth of the flash back that I had. I know my mom was doing the best she could with the tools she had (in the way of parenting) and I know children don't come with handbooks. But keeping a kid out of a situation that they are not mature enough to handle or comprehend, is good parenting right?
After that conversation with my husband all that keeps going through my head is a scene from Good Will Hunting. When Robin Williams character says to Matt Damon "It's not your fault!"
Could it really be that the childhood memories have taken hold of me so bad that they are coming back to rip me apart. I know its not my fault, I was a kid and didn't ask to be born, or to live with the family I was given. Nor did I ask for the things that happened to me, to happen.
I am blessed to have married a wonderful man, who loves all of me! I have two amazing daughters who I would lay my life on the line for but not hover so much that they can't experience life. I know I am a good friend, daughter, and sister. I acknowledge when I have made mistakes. But be dam if I am going to take responsibility for how someone else treated me or what they put me through as a kid. Because I was just that a KID! I will continue to try to be the best me that I can be, for myself and let the chips fall where they may.
Thanks for reading whoever does.
Then yesterday my kid, husband and I went for a long drive. Driving in an area that we have driven many times in the past. And out of no ware I have a flash back. I could see the area as it use to be when I was 12/13 years old. THE MEMORY - winter time, going with my mother to check on brother (alcoholic at the time) because his girlfriend had left him and he he smashed everything in sight. Left without him, head back home and was scared of my mothers driving and it began to snow badly. When I had this flash of memory I told my husband right away. Slept well last night.
This morning when my husband and I were alone and having our morning coffee. I went into depth of the flash back that I had. I know my mom was doing the best she could with the tools she had (in the way of parenting) and I know children don't come with handbooks. But keeping a kid out of a situation that they are not mature enough to handle or comprehend, is good parenting right?
After that conversation with my husband all that keeps going through my head is a scene from Good Will Hunting. When Robin Williams character says to Matt Damon "It's not your fault!"
Could it really be that the childhood memories have taken hold of me so bad that they are coming back to rip me apart. I know its not my fault, I was a kid and didn't ask to be born, or to live with the family I was given. Nor did I ask for the things that happened to me, to happen.
I am blessed to have married a wonderful man, who loves all of me! I have two amazing daughters who I would lay my life on the line for but not hover so much that they can't experience life. I know I am a good friend, daughter, and sister. I acknowledge when I have made mistakes. But be dam if I am going to take responsibility for how someone else treated me or what they put me through as a kid. Because I was just that a KID! I will continue to try to be the best me that I can be, for myself and let the chips fall where they may.
Thanks for reading whoever does.
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