Memorial Day 2012
Dear Fred:
This week end in Memorial Day. This is the 2nd one since Nick died. In memory of Nick I will address the following letter to him as I so wish he were actually here to talk with.
Dear Nick:
Is it possible that 14 months ago was the worst day in my life and the last day of yours? I know you actually left me and the life you loved so well early in the morning of the 28th. But, the 27th was really what I think of as "our walk through the Garden of Gethsemane". I remember all too well how much you suffered. I will never forget the living Hell you experienced. And, even though you hurt so badly and were so sad you still never once complained. You left this world as you lived it.... a brave and honorable man.
Although our time together was not as long as we had hoped for, I was honored to have you in my life. Yes, there were times I was so angry with you and hurt by you that I nearly left you. The main point is , that I never actually did leave and no matter how hurt I was or how angry I felt, I still loved you with every ounce of my being. Even after 14 months I cannot even think of anyone ever taking your place in my heart or my soul. I do not want to face years and years of loneliness but I see no other real option. I am trying to fill my time with activities but everything seems so pointless and flat without you.
One of the books I am reading (100 Helpful Suggestions When Your Husband or Wife Dies) suggested making a list of the secondary losses in our life due to the death of our spouse. I am not sure if there is enough room anywhere to make such a list as it is so all encompassing. Here are a few of the many things that spring to my ming when I think of what I lost when you died:
self-identity, self-esteem, motivation, my best friend, my hiking companion, my comedian, my bird watching buddy, my fearless partner in picking huckleberries, my fellow kitty rescuer, my bill payer and my financial planner, my "lawn boy", my gardener, my drinking buddy, my explore Yellowstone companion, and above all.... my heart
On this Memorial Day I hope you know I do remember you. I miss you every day. Thank you for enriching my life with the wonderful places we visited, new ways of looking at and experiencing the world and your wonderful father and brothers you introduced me to. My life was made so much better for having shared it with you. My life feels so devastated now that you are gone. I will do my best, however, to remember the wonderful goodness you brought in to my life and be grateful I was your companion and friend.
With great love to you.
Darlene May 27, 2012
This week end in Memorial Day. This is the 2nd one since Nick died. In memory of Nick I will address the following letter to him as I so wish he were actually here to talk with.
Dear Nick:
Is it possible that 14 months ago was the worst day in my life and the last day of yours? I know you actually left me and the life you loved so well early in the morning of the 28th. But, the 27th was really what I think of as "our walk through the Garden of Gethsemane". I remember all too well how much you suffered. I will never forget the living Hell you experienced. And, even though you hurt so badly and were so sad you still never once complained. You left this world as you lived it.... a brave and honorable man.
Although our time together was not as long as we had hoped for, I was honored to have you in my life. Yes, there were times I was so angry with you and hurt by you that I nearly left you. The main point is , that I never actually did leave and no matter how hurt I was or how angry I felt, I still loved you with every ounce of my being. Even after 14 months I cannot even think of anyone ever taking your place in my heart or my soul. I do not want to face years and years of loneliness but I see no other real option. I am trying to fill my time with activities but everything seems so pointless and flat without you.
One of the books I am reading (100 Helpful Suggestions When Your Husband or Wife Dies) suggested making a list of the secondary losses in our life due to the death of our spouse. I am not sure if there is enough room anywhere to make such a list as it is so all encompassing. Here are a few of the many things that spring to my ming when I think of what I lost when you died:
self-identity, self-esteem, motivation, my best friend, my hiking companion, my comedian, my bird watching buddy, my fearless partner in picking huckleberries, my fellow kitty rescuer, my bill payer and my financial planner, my "lawn boy", my gardener, my drinking buddy, my explore Yellowstone companion, and above all.... my heart
On this Memorial Day I hope you know I do remember you. I miss you every day. Thank you for enriching my life with the wonderful places we visited, new ways of looking at and experiencing the world and your wonderful father and brothers you introduced me to. My life was made so much better for having shared it with you. My life feels so devastated now that you are gone. I will do my best, however, to remember the wonderful goodness you brought in to my life and be grateful I was your companion and friend.
With great love to you.
Darlene May 27, 2012
Replies
It is so hard to even contemplate the loss we have had. I am glad that you are able to recognize all the wonderful roles Nick filled in your life and in the process of living. You are still all of those things. We will experience all of those role a little differently now, but you are still you, and still that partner in the process of experiencing the world in your own life. We will never forget the partnership and the role we play in the future and the drama. Thanks for your recollections. Peace. Darleen.
Darlene,
This is a beautiful journal entry full of love and thought. Our lives are changed so drastically----when you start listing the secondary loss---it shows how huge the hole in our life is----Gratefulness is the key in healing and learning our way in this new life and we will find our identity once again.
Many hugs, Sallie
Darlene, that was a beautiful journal and speaks volumes of the loss that we have endured. It seems like once we get past the devastation it is the sad, numb, lonely and meaningless part that we are in and wonder....is this it??? Only time will tell, I guess.... but I am right there with you.........many ((hugs))
Beautiful bittersweet entry my friend. My very dear friend. HONEST and insightful. the secondary losses as you said are too many to list. And everyone I could have sritten myself. My Rock, my mentor, my teacher, my anchor, my calming influence, my center, my very best friend. Right with you. And Memorial day along with the many soldiers who have given their life, for our freedoms we enjoy, we DO remember our PERSONAL soldiers and HEROES who made us who we are.
I\'m wondering about the list of what we gained by knowing them also. A grateful list I guess.
I\'m thinking the list would even be more encompassing. My hopes that all get to the point that both lists are just as long, and both saying the same thing. What we have lost, and what we have gained are one in the same. We lost and gained because we LOVED.
And all of that my wise dear friend is more than worth the remembrance of it all.
Love to you Darlene and MANY MORE WARM MEMROIES THAN NOT Diane
What a beautiful tribute to a great man--hugs as you celebrate this day of remembrance.
A beautiful tribute to an amazing man.......may your wonderful memories bring you peace and comfort, Hugs Lu Ann
DARLENE,
AS I READ THIS IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY HEART, SO DEEP, SO FULL OF LOVE. YOU WERE MUCH BLESSED DARLENE TO EXPERIENCE SUCH A RICH FULL LOVE IN NICK. SOME PEOPLE NEVER EXPERIENCE THAT IN A LIFE TIME. BLESSINGS UPON BLESSINGS OF RICH MEMORIES TO BRING YOU THROUGH EACH DAY.
WARM GENTLE HUGS,
RECENTWIDOW
Wow...the loss of a beloved spouse is SO large, one first imagines there is nothing more than that overwhelming absence. but then, those secondary losses....seem to take up pages and pages....well in a way it\'s our lives without them...so, yes, everything else
hugs....
Darlene what a wonderful letter to your husband Nick. Leanette
Darlene, I read your journal and even though I was not living your life, I have walked similar shoes.
My Carmelo, I love him so much but yes times he was hard to live.
Yet love kept us together as it did for you and Nick.
Secondary losses for me were huge and now I have found Jesus has replaced them and this has given me so much strength to go on.
I can now say my identity was shattered when Carmelo passed but putting Jesus as my center now has me focused to listen and talk to Him, I am able to be His vessel and by doing this it has given me a new identity, I am the King\'s Daughter, I am a Princess. :)
My self-esteem was always low and when I met Carmelo, he helped me to have a better one and when he passed that hit rock bottom. In fact, if you read some of journals, you know I suffered from fear of public places and that along with Carmelo gone, I wanted hide in a hole and never come out.
Jesus gave me back my self esteem greater then it is ever been and he took away the fear also. I can now go places and if I have any inkling of fear, I tell it to leave in Jesus name because it is not of Him.
Yes Carmelo is my best friend but he is not gone, his body may be not visible but his soul lives on with the Lord and with the company of Jesus I feel my Carmelo is there with Him in paradise. This gives me so much comfort and that I am not alone, they are all with me.
Carmelo had a talent to make people laugh and so yes he was my comedian also. He may be gone but the memories of him live on and once in awhile a memory will come back to me and make me smile, I am thankful for the small time I had with him to even have that memory. I am lucky to have this wonderful gift from God to have known him.
My Carmelo was my protector; my encourager; my teacher; my entertainer; my discipliner; my companion in all things but now I have let Jesus take over these roles.
I will never ever forget my Carmelo and always love him but he is enjoying all of it first hand and he can see it all now.
I can now tell you that my outlook on all of this has given me joy and peace.
I pray you will have that too,
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy