MELT DOWN DAY!
Sat. Night: Today was a total melt down day....off/on. I don't know what is the matter with me! I would be ok, then I would just burst into tears! I did get a lot done around the house...I guess it was a good distraction between the horrible moments. There were plenty of those. I haven't "really" cried for a few days. I guess it just built up because when I cried I did it with gusto! Tonight I stayed up late and watched a movie. That was also a distraction for a bit. Now, I need to go to bed. I hate going to bed. I keep waiting to dream about Scott and the dreams don't come. When I wake up and want to just lay there with my eyes open looking at the ceiling a few minutes before I get up. I can't. That is the way I found Scott. I always wonder was he awake right before he died, unable to call for help, looking up and wanting to scream, but unable. That is a thought, sight, and question I just can't seem to get past. I will never know but it is a constant torment. It doesn't change a thing...my son is dead. But, Oh My GOD.....what if when I heard that strange breath that was actually a call for help?!?!?? Why did I not go in? I will never, ever, be able to forgive myself!
Replies
Oh honey, I am so sorry for your bad day! I too wait to dream about my boys. I have had one dream about them. One, that\'s it. And, it wasn\'t a good one! I\'m sending you a big, big hug! I\'m here. Love ya, Barbara
The darkest thoughts are the worst - the what if\'s, the why\'s, and I too had an intuition over the weekend Shaun died, tried to call him, got his voicemail. I keep telling myself I should have gotten into my car - and drove to his house - exactly when I felt that way - but then, I may have been the one to find him dead - and you were the one that found your son - I can\'t even imagine. It was out of your control, don\'t torment yourself over that - because we can\'t go back in time and change what happened as much as we wish we could. I have regular melt-downs, and once I get the good cry out - I feel a little calmer. You really are doing the best you can right now - and you are getting up - you are working, you are getting out now & then - it\'s all progress - from the hear break we have all endured for so long now - If you need to cry, then do it, let those tears flow and yell if you have to........I have days where I could just punch something because I get so mad at the world because Shaun is gone. Bless you hon, thinking of you & praying for you,
Ginger, I\'m sorry you had a bad day. I too wish I would have a dream but then I don\'t want a bad dream so I\'m OK. I understand the tears coming out of no where. Most times we just have to let them out. I wish I had some magical words to tell you to quit beating your self up with the guilt. It\'s easier said than done for sure. It\'s not your fault. It happened. Lot\'s of even little things would have changed the outcome for many of our children but they didn\'t happen. You need to allow yourself to be forgiven for whatever real or imagined things you think you could have done. mother. Let Scott help you make that decision to forgive yourself. Maybe when you see those pictures in your mind, replace them things of comfort like he passed in his own bed/room. He was somewhere he felt safe etc. My son died on the side of the road. I\'ll always wonder if he suffered and feel badly I didn\'t see him one last time but I just do my best to think, he had just left a friends and had been having fun and was on his way home where he was loved and felt safe. It\'s doesn\'t take away all the pain but I don\'t completely go insane when I try to put some positives in there. I hope the week gets better. Please be gentle on yourself. You have a great son so you have done so many rights. Love Robin
So hard to think of the what ifs...so try to stop yourself from going there...there is nothing we can do now. I wish I had put my foot down about not letting Alex get a motorcycle...but I didn\'t. We HAVE to let go of those thoughts...they do not help us move forward. Love to you Ginger...Karen
Ginger,I\'m so sorry you are feling this way. I think it is normal for us to think about all the what if\'s. I told Justin no, he was not getting a motorcycle , they were too dangerous. He was 25, and one day just came home with it grinning ear to ear. He bought it from someone he knew, and only paid $1,500.00 for it. I\'m like Karen, I wish I had put my foot down about him getting the bike, because three weeks after he got it, my son died on that 1500.00 bike.
Would he still be here today if I had put my foot down ? Would he have got mad at me , and not been talking to me and maybe still have went out and got a bike and maybe still have gotten killed ? Who knows . Could Justin have easily been killed in his car that night? I don\'t know. sometimes I feel like maybe I could have prevented it if I had told him up fron , as long as you live here, you will not get one.
How did I know he would die on 8/12/2007. I did not know. You know how they say when it\'s your time to go, it\'s your time. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I can\'t imagine going through something like that. I agree with Robin, try to take comfort in the fact that he was in the comfort zone of your home. If it was his time to go, it was a paceful place to be.
I\'m so sorry , I can\'t imagine. But we love our children so much, and it\'s normal to keep tracing our steps thinking did we miss something. But we also have to realize sometimes there was nothing we could do, and things were just out of our hands. I have learned I also need to follow my own advise.
Take care,
Kelly
I so sorry you have had a bad day...Here picking you up and dusting you off. BIG HUGS, Love ya bunches.
It is not your fault. When it is our turn to go, there is nothing you can do. I talked to my Son on the phone 1/2 hour before the accident. He was lost and just trying to get home. He was upset about it. I cry about it. I should have done more. But it was his turn. It is so hard to accept that sometimes. Its not your fault. Someday we will know why. I know saying it dosen\'t make it any easier. I am glad to hear that your able to get busy. I wish I could at least to that. I am so proud of you. You are stronger than you think you are. Love Joanne
Ok, if you want to play the what if game...what if when you heard the strange breath you had gone in? What could you have done when it was his last breath? I don\'t say this to be cruel. I say this because you couldn\'t have changed what had already happened. We all question ourselves, and anyone who was around our children when the worst happened. It doesn\'t do any good. There are no answers and even if there were it wouldn\'t bring our sons back. It won\'t help us with the pain we live with every single day. What may help is for us to try to find some kind of peace with what IS. It\'s not easy and there are days when I find no peace at all. A lot of us seem to be struggling right now. We just have to hang on to each other and share what strength we have. I miss my son as you miss yours. Hang on with me as we try to find our peace.
Ok, if you want to play the what if game...what if when you heard the strange breath you had gone in? What could you have done when it was his last breath? I don\'t say this to be cruel. I say this because you couldn\'t have changed what had already happened. We all question ourselves, and anyone who was around our children when the worst happened. It doesn\'t do any good. There are no answers and even if there were it wouldn\'t bring our sons back. It won\'t help us with the pain we live with every single day. What may help is for us to try to find some kind of peace with what IS. It\'s not easy and there are days when I find no peace at all. A lot of us seem to be struggling right now. We just have to hang on to each other and share what strength we have. I miss my son as you miss yours. Hang on with me as we try to find our peace.
Sorry, don\'t know why that posted twice.
Somedays are just the pits and we just have to let them be. Hope you\'re feeling better now. Love and hugs Cathy