MELT DOWN DAY!

Sat. Night:  Today was a total melt down day....off/on.  I don't know what is the matter with me!  I would be ok, then I would just burst into tears!  I did get a lot done around the house...I guess it was a good distraction between the horrible moments.  There were plenty of those.  I haven't "really" cried for a few days.  I guess it just built up because when I cried I did it with gusto!  Tonight I stayed up late and watched a movie.  That was also a distraction for a bit.  Now, I need to go to bed.  I hate going to bed.  I keep waiting to dream about Scott and the dreams don't come.  When I wake up and want to just lay there with my eyes open looking at the ceiling a few minutes before I get up. I can't.  That is the way I found Scott.  I always wonder was he awake right before he died, unable to call for help, looking up and wanting to scream, but unable.  That is a thought, sight, and question I just can't seem to get past.  I will never know but it is a constant torment.  It doesn't change a thing...my son is dead.  But, Oh My GOD.....what if when I heard that strange breath that was actually a call for help?!?!??  Why did I not go in?  I will never, ever, be able to forgive myself!