Melt Down
I have had a severe setback. Friday night, my Ex texted me saying my son forgot to bring my father's day gifts with him. She suggested I meet her at the house after she went riding with new guy and pick them up. I declined saying I had already picked up my son from the house, that I always do pick up and drop off and I didn't feel like making another trip to the house, so she could drop them off or some other time was fine.
Saturday, she texted me that she would drop off the presents at 1:00. My son was at the birthday party, so I said that was fine. She came in, and handed me the presents, and had her computer with her and suggested she read me the chapters while she was there. I slipped and let her in to read. It was a little awkward, and she stopped after two chapters and said she'd finish another time as she was too tired. I said that was fine, and she got her stuff together to leave. She turned and hugged me and then kissed me firmly on the lips, and said goodbye.
I was left a jumble of conflicting emotions from "I know where those lips have been" to "God that perfume smells good and I miss being hugged and kissed and..." My heart raced and pounded. I was angry and yet pleased, but then felt hurt and confused. I pulled myself together and picked up my son, and we went to the movies, got ice cream, etc., but I felt out of kilter the rest of the day and the next day (Father's Day). So, damn, she got to me, but I let it happen.
By Tuesday, I was back to being sad, but okay, and she texted that she forgot to give me one other small gift that he had gotten for me. I was just leaving the Asian restaurant (he finally went with me), and I didn't want her back at my apartment, so I met her in the driveway at the house and she handed me the gift. She kissed my son, then turned and hugged and kissed me. Again I was flustered. I was mad at myself for wanting that kiss.
These were the first times I have seen her in person since May.
I made a copy of my son's report card and went to file it. Somehow I found a letter she had written me when we were dating. I read it. Then, I got angry about the promises she made in the letter, so I emailed it to her. You can see my mistakes compounding and the beginning of my spiral downward.
Thursday, she texted me "G'nite [my name]. Wish there was an easier way to do this. Maybe just focus on going forward because enough has been said about the past. Love you."
I replied that I try to focus on forward, but all I see is her and new guy doing things I don't want to see, and I sometimes slip and look back. She texted a platitude about time...
I couldn't sleep. By 1:30 AM, I was in a full meltdown. I texted her:
Me: "What's the point? The woman I love loves someone else and is fucking someone else. I can't do anything about that. If by some miracle I ever found someone like you, the chances of that person being interested in me are close to zero. If they were interested in me, it is twice proven that it will ultimately result in them leaving me and it will end in horrible agony and pain. Why would I want that again? Life without someone to love is empty and meaningless, even if I find fulfillment in God and love myself. If I work 18 hour days like they now want me to at work, why? To give my son a bigger inheritance that will likely ruin him anyway? To take no one on the romantic vacations I never had and never will? What's the point? I failed again, this time with someone I truly love, heart, mind and soul. Let's face it. I'm not all that resilient these days. I'm over half a century as you put it, and I'm not looking to dye my hair and attract my next failure. I'm just so utterly exhausted, heartbroken beyond words, filled with sorrow and regrets of so many things I would do differently if ever I could go back and redo them, but I can't and it's all over. So I ask you, what's the point? Why bother? Tonight it is all hitting me so hard again. I just don't want to do this anymore.
Her: "Because you have a lot of life left to live."
Me: "Plenty of misery left to endure, you mean. Why? How did you feel when [her first love] left you and you wouldn't even get out of bed for day, and he wasn't even taking another lover at the time?" "And, you weren't left there with the certainty that it was your fault and you were flawed beyond repair. There is nothing left in me. I'm spent."
Her: "You are not flawed beyond repair, go to sleep"
Me: "You consider me flawed beyond repair, not worth the effort to salvage. Someone you can't trust. Someone to discard and replace with the upgrade. That makes any assertion otherwise from you meaningless"
Her: "Stop telling me what I feel. Go to sleep."
Me: In this case, it is absolutely what your actions and decisions are saying. How could you possibly assert otherwise?" "Or are you saying you consider me repairable and worth the effort? I think not. And if you don't, you are right. Therefore I don't either.
Her: No response the rest of the night.
Me: No sleep at all last night.
So, I am ashamed of myself. I allowed her to break NC and bring me my son's presents. I allowed her to read to me and craved her, and her hugs and kiss, at the same time I was repulsed knowing she is kissing and screwing new guy. I read the old letter and broke NC again. I broke NC again and responded to her text. All the while, I went from ok, to sad, to feeling horrible, to despondent. I spiraled down and descended into my own personal hell. I got dramatic. I am ashamed and full of despair. I am so horribly set back to where I was when this started - or worse, and I had been doing progressively better until this whole Father's day series of events.
I let myself down. I let my friends in DS down. I'm scraping rock bottom now.
Saturday, she texted me that she would drop off the presents at 1:00. My son was at the birthday party, so I said that was fine. She came in, and handed me the presents, and had her computer with her and suggested she read me the chapters while she was there. I slipped and let her in to read. It was a little awkward, and she stopped after two chapters and said she'd finish another time as she was too tired. I said that was fine, and she got her stuff together to leave. She turned and hugged me and then kissed me firmly on the lips, and said goodbye.
I was left a jumble of conflicting emotions from "I know where those lips have been" to "God that perfume smells good and I miss being hugged and kissed and..." My heart raced and pounded. I was angry and yet pleased, but then felt hurt and confused. I pulled myself together and picked up my son, and we went to the movies, got ice cream, etc., but I felt out of kilter the rest of the day and the next day (Father's Day). So, damn, she got to me, but I let it happen.
By Tuesday, I was back to being sad, but okay, and she texted that she forgot to give me one other small gift that he had gotten for me. I was just leaving the Asian restaurant (he finally went with me), and I didn't want her back at my apartment, so I met her in the driveway at the house and she handed me the gift. She kissed my son, then turned and hugged and kissed me. Again I was flustered. I was mad at myself for wanting that kiss.
These were the first times I have seen her in person since May.
I made a copy of my son's report card and went to file it. Somehow I found a letter she had written me when we were dating. I read it. Then, I got angry about the promises she made in the letter, so I emailed it to her. You can see my mistakes compounding and the beginning of my spiral downward.
Thursday, she texted me "G'nite [my name]. Wish there was an easier way to do this. Maybe just focus on going forward because enough has been said about the past. Love you."
I replied that I try to focus on forward, but all I see is her and new guy doing things I don't want to see, and I sometimes slip and look back. She texted a platitude about time...
I couldn't sleep. By 1:30 AM, I was in a full meltdown. I texted her:
Me: "What's the point? The woman I love loves someone else and is fucking someone else. I can't do anything about that. If by some miracle I ever found someone like you, the chances of that person being interested in me are close to zero. If they were interested in me, it is twice proven that it will ultimately result in them leaving me and it will end in horrible agony and pain. Why would I want that again? Life without someone to love is empty and meaningless, even if I find fulfillment in God and love myself. If I work 18 hour days like they now want me to at work, why? To give my son a bigger inheritance that will likely ruin him anyway? To take no one on the romantic vacations I never had and never will? What's the point? I failed again, this time with someone I truly love, heart, mind and soul. Let's face it. I'm not all that resilient these days. I'm over half a century as you put it, and I'm not looking to dye my hair and attract my next failure. I'm just so utterly exhausted, heartbroken beyond words, filled with sorrow and regrets of so many things I would do differently if ever I could go back and redo them, but I can't and it's all over. So I ask you, what's the point? Why bother? Tonight it is all hitting me so hard again. I just don't want to do this anymore.
Her: "Because you have a lot of life left to live."
Me: "Plenty of misery left to endure, you mean. Why? How did you feel when [her first love] left you and you wouldn't even get out of bed for day, and he wasn't even taking another lover at the time?" "And, you weren't left there with the certainty that it was your fault and you were flawed beyond repair. There is nothing left in me. I'm spent."
Her: "You are not flawed beyond repair, go to sleep"
Me: "You consider me flawed beyond repair, not worth the effort to salvage. Someone you can't trust. Someone to discard and replace with the upgrade. That makes any assertion otherwise from you meaningless"
Her: "Stop telling me what I feel. Go to sleep."
Me: In this case, it is absolutely what your actions and decisions are saying. How could you possibly assert otherwise?" "Or are you saying you consider me repairable and worth the effort? I think not. And if you don't, you are right. Therefore I don't either.
Her: No response the rest of the night.
Me: No sleep at all last night.
So, I am ashamed of myself. I allowed her to break NC and bring me my son's presents. I allowed her to read to me and craved her, and her hugs and kiss, at the same time I was repulsed knowing she is kissing and screwing new guy. I read the old letter and broke NC again. I broke NC again and responded to her text. All the while, I went from ok, to sad, to feeling horrible, to despondent. I spiraled down and descended into my own personal hell. I got dramatic. I am ashamed and full of despair. I am so horribly set back to where I was when this started - or worse, and I had been doing progressively better until this whole Father's day series of events.
I let myself down. I let my friends in DS down. I'm scraping rock bottom now.
Replies
Dang man, that sucks so bad, and yet sounds like a page from my future. You encourage me, so let me encourage you. I know its hard, but what if the universe has something else for us? I know you cared for her deeply, and I know it hurts, but we have to focus on ourselves and what is in store for us. Even with the stuff my Ex has done, I still care for her. But there must be something more. Be kind to yourself, you\'ve come a long way.
EVERYBODY breaks no contact. It\'s a learning experience. I broke it too many times to count, craving that communication with her. But it ALWAYS made me feel worse. It\'s a temporary fix with a hell of a come down. You\'re not at square one. You learned a valuable lesson. Get the boundaries back up, get back on the horse. Over time you\'ll heal from this episode. I\'ve made a firm commitment to never have physical contact with my ex again, even a hug, which I didn\'t break even at our daughters grad night. It\'s been a couple weeks since I even communicated at all and she just emailed me some bullshit about our daughters paperwork about something and I gave her an \"ok\" and that\'s it. Forget the fucking book editing unless you have to to fulfill your monetary agreement but have her email it to you. And now hopefully you learned to stop the kisses and hugs that\'s just beyond bad and only makes her narcissistic self feel better.
She\'s terrible man, terrible. Of all the manipulative spouses I read about on here, she is one of the absolute worst. I agree with coop (as always) - no physical contact whatsoever!! No hugs at all. No good night messages. Complete no contact except child stuff, emotionless. It\'s the only way.
Don\'t beat yourself up - you are human and hurting terribly. Just regroup and start again. Writing these journals is good; if you get the urge to reconnect again, just read them!
Now, try to forget about it and immerse yourself in something - a book, movie. See if you can distract yourself. Something I am working on with limited success so far, but I think it can help if we can get in this habit.
Best wishes.
You didn\'t let us down. You just made a mistake. We\'ve all done it. Some of us will do it again. It\'s just part of the healing process. I\'m sorry you\'re in such pain right now but as hard as it is to believe right now, you will be happy again.
You are human. You are not perfect. You made a mistake and probably won\'t be the last time. However now you know the ramifications of making that mistake. Stop beating yourself up! You have not let anyone down. We are here to support not judge. Unfortunately it is going to take time. It is up to you though how to use that time.
You are in a bad situation with that foul temptress. She is horrible because she can\'t or won\'t respect what you need to heal. You are so vulnerable right now that she can continue to play these games. I know it is hard to think of her differently than you have over the years but you have too. From the outside looking in, she is a supreme mega bitch! She is trying to have her cake and eat it too and have you lick up the crumbs she left and have you clean the dish and then have you make another cake. Time to shove the cake in her face...splat!
Please take some time to think about yourself without her in the equation. What would make you happy? Like jbuck said above, the universe has something else for us...for you...be open to it.
Hang in there. Stay strong. Better days are ahead...just give the universe and time a chance.
its a double edged sword.. I\'m so sorry your hurting.. I think its both horrible and telling how little your ex showed she cared, like all of is .. it brings back horrible flashbacks for me too.. this is a person you\'ve been with for years, and they know how badly your hurting, just from knowing you, and yet they continue to walk over us like it doesn\'t matter.. its a horrible feeling.. but this is a journey, and its full of switchbacks.. like they said above, step back and learn from this exchange.. and come back and reread it often to remind yourself how you felt.. and how she treated you.. so you dont open yourself up to that again.. as tempting as it always is..
one thing I\'m learning, is my ex always seems to want to \'seep\' in, and make more contact with me when he views me as \'strong, and confident\'.. which is the facade I\'m trying hard to sell him, and sell myself.. the stronger you are at keeping NC the more \'desirable\' you seem.. its horseshit is what it is.. its that \'cake and eat it too\' bullshit.. because in their own sick and twisted way they DO still love us.. but they love their \'new life\' too.. and its our choice ultimately.. do we wait around for the handouts when they feel like tossing us a crumb? or do we let them go..
I\'m sorry she\'s continuing to hurt you.. and I\'m doubly sorry your son witnessed your hug and kiss.. if its confusing you, I can\'t imagine how confused an 11 year old is.. we\'re all in this nightmare together, there is no wrong or right.. just learning, and trying to move forward.. stay strong, stay confident and stay NC.. her throwing out \'I love you\'s, and kisses and hugs\' is complete manipulation.. dont allow her do do those things.. the call has been made, we\'re here to listen and hopefully give some insight.. dont give up on life.. you have a future ahead of you that doesn\'t include manipulation, you have a future ahead of you that includes doing what YOU want, not compromising.. right now its your time, just take it a day AT a time.. ((hugs)) -the NON-manipulating kind :)
Remember there is a reason you are not together. Just read your profile. That closeness with a hug and a kiss sounds so wonderful, but ohhh how painful a few minutes later. She is with another man, but she is hugging and giving you kisses on the lips. Can you imagine yourself with someone who you have no past with and no set emotions yet, and she was to hug and kiss you like that while having a boyfriend? Would you want to plan a future with this type of person and start your heartbreaks from the very beginning again?
I can\'t wait for your future day when you are strong enough to forgive her (knowing you don\'t have to trust her). Then to see you let go of those feelings for her and be happy loving yourself just as you are, so that someone will come to you wanting to love you even more. I bet it happens if we can let go and learn from our mistakes.
\"The woman I love loves someone else...\" I can\'t seem to let go totally just yet but getting closer and closer.
Love yourself without her in the pictures. Then remember as you do this, she will try to get back in the picture. Love yourself, working on things about yourself that you want to start loving again, and a new and better person will come in the picture.
Sounds like great quality time with your son over Father\'s Day weekend.
somehow last part was garbled up and I can not see a way to edit....
\"The woman I love loves someone else...\" is this truly love?
If by some miracle I ever found someone like you...\" ......It would not be a miracle, but a mistake you did not learn and grow from.
\"Or are you saying you consider me repairable and worth the effort?...\" ..........you are broken enough that you are wanting her response as though it will matter and then she does not respond. I hope that you can see the manipulation.
You sound like a wonderful father, especially when having so much fun with your son when there is NC, and your responses to other DS show that you are a caring person. Wish we could all break free of these horrible feelings and still learn from them just as well, but I don\'t think it possible.
I have tried to give my last goodbye to my ex, but I still think of him and then catching myself thinking of things ....if we get back together. That\'s the hardest part for me to let go of. I can\'t seem to let go totally just yet but getting closer and closer.
Love yourself without her in the pictures. Then remember as you do this, she will try to get back in the picture. Love yourself, working on things about yourself that you want to start loving again, and a new and better person will come in the picture.