Meeting today and newly gained stress
My mother has had some meetings with her social workers at the medical center trying to figure out what she wants to do. There is a meeting today where they asked for both me and my brother to be there. I really don't know what it is about but my mother said it was a progress report on her stay at rehab. Somehow that doesn't ring entirely true to me. I don't know why they would need to have a meeting with me and my brother there and not just tell us when we visit. I expect there is more to it but may be wrong.
I plan to not talk anymore than I have to or to answer direct questions. I'll let my brother have what control he thinks he can have there and deal with whatever they tell us. They are already keeping an eye on him because, I found out, he has been calling my mother on the phone a lot and bothering her. He doesn't understand that she needs to be at rest, with quiet and not bothered by everything. And more than once he has been told that he needs to be quiet when visiting her and they have asked him to leave. I was told that he was leaning over her in her bed yelling at her about how she had betrayed him.
I fear my brother is coming unhinged and do not know what he may do. I had never thought he was a great guy because of the way he treats me and my sister but I did not think he was someone that would ignore my mother's illness, near death bed experience and yell at her like that. I guess her giving me power of attorney over the finances was a betrayal to him after he had been buying groceries for her (and buying his own groceries and having her pay for them all when she paid off the credit card) and because she had gone blind helping her write her checks for the last couple years (and getting all his bills paid and an extra $600 a month from her). Somehow it is a betrayal to him to not be given complete control of everything in her, my father and sister's life. And since I am now getting financial aid as well from them, hold an axe over my head as well.
My sister is telling me she is afraid of him, I always thought she was overreacting to his loudness and frustration with the situation but now I am afraid myself that he may do something that might hurt her.
I've been praying for him and everyone. I pray for wisdom for my mother to do what is needed, for peace with myself and my sister so we can cope with the situation and for intervention with my brother that he ma see what he is doing and stop insisting that we have to change to work with him.
It seems common sense to me that if you are having a problem with everyone and everyone is somehow wrong, then it may be you that needs to change.
My brother just called while I was writing this. He asked me to stop by the store and get trash bags and told me to bring the check books back to the house. He Said I had to leave now even though I should still have another half hour before I have to go there. He still is saying he has a right to see them. I told him he doesn't and it is my decision if I want to let him or bring them there.Now I am going to have to face his anger or listen to him go on about this again. He won't accept that he doesn't have control of everything and he tells me my mom says I should let him see them. which is the opposite of what she has told me.
I am now shaking and nervous. I hope I don't have a panic attack. And I don't have time to deal with it if I have to leave now.
I plan to not talk anymore than I have to or to answer direct questions. I'll let my brother have what control he thinks he can have there and deal with whatever they tell us. They are already keeping an eye on him because, I found out, he has been calling my mother on the phone a lot and bothering her. He doesn't understand that she needs to be at rest, with quiet and not bothered by everything. And more than once he has been told that he needs to be quiet when visiting her and they have asked him to leave. I was told that he was leaning over her in her bed yelling at her about how she had betrayed him.
I fear my brother is coming unhinged and do not know what he may do. I had never thought he was a great guy because of the way he treats me and my sister but I did not think he was someone that would ignore my mother's illness, near death bed experience and yell at her like that. I guess her giving me power of attorney over the finances was a betrayal to him after he had been buying groceries for her (and buying his own groceries and having her pay for them all when she paid off the credit card) and because she had gone blind helping her write her checks for the last couple years (and getting all his bills paid and an extra $600 a month from her). Somehow it is a betrayal to him to not be given complete control of everything in her, my father and sister's life. And since I am now getting financial aid as well from them, hold an axe over my head as well.
My sister is telling me she is afraid of him, I always thought she was overreacting to his loudness and frustration with the situation but now I am afraid myself that he may do something that might hurt her.
I've been praying for him and everyone. I pray for wisdom for my mother to do what is needed, for peace with myself and my sister so we can cope with the situation and for intervention with my brother that he ma see what he is doing and stop insisting that we have to change to work with him.
It seems common sense to me that if you are having a problem with everyone and everyone is somehow wrong, then it may be you that needs to change.
My brother just called while I was writing this. He asked me to stop by the store and get trash bags and told me to bring the check books back to the house. He Said I had to leave now even though I should still have another half hour before I have to go there. He still is saying he has a right to see them. I told him he doesn't and it is my decision if I want to let him or bring them there.Now I am going to have to face his anger or listen to him go on about this again. He won't accept that he doesn't have control of everything and he tells me my mom says I should let him see them. which is the opposite of what she has told me.
I am now shaking and nervous. I hope I don't have a panic attack. And I don't have time to deal with it if I have to leave now.
Replies
The meeting told of my mother\'s progress and what they think should be done next. They tipped toed around what they had decided for my brother\'s sake but basically think that my father and mother should go into assisted living facilities. This is completely counter to what my brother wants and what I have said I thought was what was needed.
My brother talked about how this would cost too much and how mom would have to sell their rental houses to pay for it. I almost applauded when my mother said, \" well that is what we had gotten them for in the first place.\" This was the first time I had heard her say something against what my brother wanted.
My brother still told them that he wanted to try bringing her home and taking care of her there first. This is when I said the only thing at all in the meeting. I said, \" Neither one of us can lift her alone, let alone dress her and do you really want to give mom an enema?\"
My brother was seething inside I could see him holding it back, starting to actually turn red with anger but he kept his cool and just said to my mom, \" We\'ll be talking about this.\"
physical therapist and doctor were all watching my brother and none of this escaped them. They can see he is the problem and doesn\'t have my mother\'s best care in mind. It will be a few weeks but much of the present anxiety and situation will be easing up.
There is still my own financial problems and the possibility of not having anything to fall back on or help from my parents. My brother is even worse since he is spending twice as much as me and doesn\'t\' really know how to take care of his own bills. I can take care of myself, I just don\'t have any income at the present.
I\'m still looking into a means of my parents giving of selling one of their rentals to me if that is what they want to do. It is my hope as it will if not provide all I need at least supplement it greatly and I cna live on the rent of one house at a subsistence level barring any unexpected expenses.
Finally, I found out that my sister has cancer. It is still being investigated and so I don\'t know how bad or how difficult it will be to get rid of if that is possible. So jsut as I started becoming once again close with my sister she may be getting very sick. But for now it is not a worry since I don\'t know enough about it and don\'t know if it can be removed or not, Too many unknowns for me to be overly concerned at this time.
Funny, unlike many others, I am less worried when I know very little about something than when I know a great deal about it. I have trained myself not to fret over the little or known things. My worries come when I understand it enough to known what can go wrong or is going wrong. Is this normal?