Meds, Sleep, Tears. Yuck
On meds, off meds. Withdrawals, side effects. No sleep. Little sleep. Exhausted but can't sleep.
Meds are not for me. I have tried Lexapro, Prozac, paxil, Effexor, wellbutrin, and celexa. Now I can add Cymbalta to the list. Some may have worked but they made me shit myself (literally) and I can't live like that. I am still on the lamictal but only because coming off it is hell and it will have to wait until I have time off from work to get through it.
My therapy session wasn't the best tonight. I have been emotional. Crying easily. At first I blamed it on coming off the Cymbalta though it wasn't helping me feel better, it was just leaving me so exhausted I couldn't feel anything anyway. I realized it was med related but probably because the anniversary of my husband's death is on the 23rd.
I was driving down a street in the village last evening (picking up an old ironing board from a CL seller) I realized it was the same street that, years ago, my husband and I had toured a house we were thinking about buying. It hit me that next year I will be 50, alone, living in an apartment. There is no "village", no neighborhood cook outs, no community, no home, no partner. It's all gone and has been. I'm just waiting to die I guess.
I told tdoc I needed to make changes. That I didn't want to be me. I don't want to live the same song and dance over and over. I told him I don't have much time to waste. I want all the chatter in my head to stop. I want to feel some peace and calm. I am frustrated with the meds not working. Blah, blah, blah.
He kept reflecting my feelings back to me. It was pissing me off. I told him it wasn't helping. I said I need to change. I need to make things better. He blabbered something about how I didn't like being reminded of how I was feeling. The session just went downhill. I asked for help. I said I didn't know what to do, how to change, how to get better. He responded with suggesting that I accept things. Stop putting pressure on myself. I called bullshit on that because to me accepting and not putting pressure on myself is accepting defeat. It is giving up. Waiting to die. I again asked for help or at least expressed I needed help and we had that whole awkward talk that was basically me thinking he isn't helping me right now. He said he was trying to help but it seemed he wasn't helping in the right way and that the suggestions he had made weren't something I found helpful. I asked what suggestions. Well....I think that pissed him off. I wasn't being snarky, I really wanted to know what suggestions he was speaking of. He said the same shit about accepting and to stop putting pressure on myself.
Fuck...we aren't hearing each other. I am not sure which one of us is more stubborn.
I'm crying a lot.
Ha...it's funny. I am not sure if we had an argument tonight or not. When I argue I am not used to being so civilized. There is usually lots of cussing and broad generalizations peppered with a few suggestions of where to place things.
Meds are not for me. I have tried Lexapro, Prozac, paxil, Effexor, wellbutrin, and celexa. Now I can add Cymbalta to the list. Some may have worked but they made me shit myself (literally) and I can't live like that. I am still on the lamictal but only because coming off it is hell and it will have to wait until I have time off from work to get through it.
My therapy session wasn't the best tonight. I have been emotional. Crying easily. At first I blamed it on coming off the Cymbalta though it wasn't helping me feel better, it was just leaving me so exhausted I couldn't feel anything anyway. I realized it was med related but probably because the anniversary of my husband's death is on the 23rd.
I was driving down a street in the village last evening (picking up an old ironing board from a CL seller) I realized it was the same street that, years ago, my husband and I had toured a house we were thinking about buying. It hit me that next year I will be 50, alone, living in an apartment. There is no "village", no neighborhood cook outs, no community, no home, no partner. It's all gone and has been. I'm just waiting to die I guess.
I told tdoc I needed to make changes. That I didn't want to be me. I don't want to live the same song and dance over and over. I told him I don't have much time to waste. I want all the chatter in my head to stop. I want to feel some peace and calm. I am frustrated with the meds not working. Blah, blah, blah.
He kept reflecting my feelings back to me. It was pissing me off. I told him it wasn't helping. I said I need to change. I need to make things better. He blabbered something about how I didn't like being reminded of how I was feeling. The session just went downhill. I asked for help. I said I didn't know what to do, how to change, how to get better. He responded with suggesting that I accept things. Stop putting pressure on myself. I called bullshit on that because to me accepting and not putting pressure on myself is accepting defeat. It is giving up. Waiting to die. I again asked for help or at least expressed I needed help and we had that whole awkward talk that was basically me thinking he isn't helping me right now. He said he was trying to help but it seemed he wasn't helping in the right way and that the suggestions he had made weren't something I found helpful. I asked what suggestions. Well....I think that pissed him off. I wasn't being snarky, I really wanted to know what suggestions he was speaking of. He said the same shit about accepting and to stop putting pressure on myself.
Fuck...we aren't hearing each other. I am not sure which one of us is more stubborn.
I'm crying a lot.
Ha...it's funny. I am not sure if we had an argument tonight or not. When I argue I am not used to being so civilized. There is usually lots of cussing and broad generalizations peppered with a few suggestions of where to place things.
Replies
I went through something similar with my therapist. I reached a point where it was too hard to continue, too hard to stay where I was and impossible to go back. I wanted her to fix it. To tell me something that would make all the panic and pain stop. Hearing this she said \"I have a homework assignment for you. I want you to write out everything you want me to do for you. Then I want you to explain how you want me to accomplish these things in a way that will make it less painful for you.\" I wrote down everything I wanted her to fix. They started out as broad topics like \"make the emotional pain stop\" Then I had to break that down into manageable pieces like \"stop the symptoms of panic: suffocating; tongue swelling; heat throughout my body..etc. Then I set out to write how SHE was going to fix all this and you know what? I realized she couldn\'t. My paper was empty. Only I could fix these things and only I could feel all the uncomfortable feelings and symptoms in order to get through them. It was a good homework assignment - although it was depressing to realize she couldn\'t fix me.
You can try this homework assignment if you want. Or you may not want to try it. It\'s up to you. This is your healing process and it needs to feel right to you otherwise it won\'t work. But, in the end, you have to do all the work and your therapist can only guide you. I know it\'s hard. I know it sucks. I know it\'s not fair that you had to suffer when it happened as a child and suffer again while trying to heal from it as an adult. It\'s not fair at all. But you can heal from it.
Hi Cecil. It\'s so nice to \"hear from\" you, even though I\'m sorry you are in such pain. STILL in such pain - it\'s been quite a while now, unless there have been times of respite that we haven\'t heard about. I\'m sorry for all you\'ve lost. I can\'t imagine the grief of that, on top of all the childhood grief you carry. And trying to carry on working in such an unsupportive environment at the same time, while worries about your daughter haunt the back of your mind. No wonder it takes amazing courage and strength just to get through your days. I am in awe of you.
I don\'t know whether you realize it or not, but being able to open up to all the grief and anguish of the past in order to heal it is a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT. I am still struggling to get to that place, still struggling to release the memories that hold all the keys to my healing. The way I see this healing journey is like a descent into hell to retrieve our souls. The way I see it, you have made your descent and are slogging through the underworld. Maybe that means you are 2/3 of the way there - the last third being the ascent back out of the pit. So imagine, maybe you are 2/3 of the way through!
I understand that your shrink seemed to be saying \"Just accept that things are the way they are\" and you heard that as \"Just accept things the way they are - it\'s not going to get any better.\" But what he meant, I\'m sure, is that there is no magic bullet to move you from here to there. Nevertheless, you ARE doing the work and probably have gotten a lot of the hardest parts done already. \"When you\'re going through hell, keep going.\"
I wish he would have praised you and assured you that you are doing great work and that it will bear fruit. Maybe he did and you didn\'t hear it or haven\'t remembered it. Cecil, I see a great future for you. I see you are already a social person, a witty and creative person. I think you have a very rich future ahead of you. Hang on through these hard days ahead and have faith that you are doing the healing, even if the fruits are not visible yet.
My wish for you is that you can find a way to bring more fun and relaxation into your life, though I don\'t know what that would be for you. Make this time less dreary and unrewarding.