Med changes -- fun (not)
Was getting desperate about money -- expenses less in this apartment, not eating out more than before, but always broke. Decided to change all my scripts to the lowest co-pay type (I'm grateful I have insurance, but a couple were $50 co-pay, one $30, the rest $10, and I take about 8 prescriptions). So off my faithful Tranxene that's worked for years and onto clonazepam -- living with the anxiety from the transfer, I guess. Have been too anxious to log into DS for a week now, can't believe I have 32 messages, hope people will be patient with me as the new drug will catch up with me just as soon as I get the dosage right. Good news is the Lexapro is working; I no longer want to die, which is a sort of good thing. In the meantime too anxious to do anything -- not keeping my dishes clean (luckily I only have a few) but am able to work. One amazing thing -- was invited to lunch at mall with folks from satellite office, declined on grounds of being broke. (In years past have declined due to being terrified of socializing, but suddenly am not afraid of that part.) One friend in that office, who is BP and knows that I recently narrowly escaped commitment for depression, kept after me over and over until I finally gave in. She drove all the way up from the other end of the county, took me down, bought my lunch and took me back. And I actually had a good time -- made jokes, wasn't shy at all. Next thing you know, the sun will rise in the west!!! The truth is that so many people are being kind to me, more so than I deserve given my life (I've done some very good things but also some very, very selfish things). I'm trying to give more to others, a smile here, a pat on the shoulder there, to the people I know need it (and you never know who needs it) -- how simple those things are and how much difference they can make in someone's life. The friend who took me to lunch thanked me afterwards; she's having trouble with her BP and said being able to help me actually helped her -- I would never have thought such a thing, am only grateful it did something for her as well as for me. People are sometimes just too good for words. And if any of you great folks on DS read this, wondering why I haven't answered you, I promise I will just as soon as I can get the fear under a little better control. DS folks are amazing and I'm grateful for you all. One last note about DS: I am "smart" (hi IQ) and have spent my life relying on my brains and logic to rescue me from the chaos of my emotions -- I've shied away from admitting to emotions or sharing them with anyone at all. I can't believe that after being on this board for a while I'm able to write this kind of an entry, baring my feelings for anyone to see. Wow -- what a ramble this is!