Meaningless
No one knows if I am alive or dead for days at a time. No one knows if I have been eating or sleeping. No one cares if I make if home from work alive. No one is here. I live alone. And it's literally killing me. And it is such a slow and excruciatingly painful death. I go for days at a time knowing that there isn't anyone who even knows what I am doing. It's a horrendous existence.
Chatting with people online doesn't replace having someone actually here with me. And going without some one here is a living nightmare. I don't see any way out of this hell except death. Every day is more painful than the last. If I thought someone would be living with me, taking care of me, tomorrow then I could hold out another day. But I know that the odds are over a billion to one that tomorrow I will have what I need. Or the day after. Or even next week. I've been living alone for over 500 days. And each day is more brutal than the last.
I try to hallucinate a caregiver - try to pretend that one lives with me, but it doesn't work. No one helps with the chores or shares the rent. All errands have to be done by myself, alone. It's agony. I literally look around my apt at times hoping I will see someone who loves me. But I never do. And I have tried everything I know how to change the situation. Everything but suicide.
I am so sad that I wasn't worth caring about to anyone. I know I am an awesome person and that anyone would be lucky to be called my friend. And I also know that very few people agree with that assessment. I was told that if I got on medication it would make me "easier to love". I didn't want to become easier to love. I wanted to be loved for who I really am.
I want unconditional love - not love that is based on whether I am medicated or not. But I was so desperate and at the time had my self esteem so battered by a coworker that I agreed to get on medication. I did it because I was told it would make it easier for someone to love me. I did it to get what I really need - which is someone who loves me, living with me. I was willing to settle for someone who could only love the medicated me - me self esteem was that low, and I was that desperate, that I was willing to settle for even that much. But I didn't get even that much!
Can you imagine how angry I am that it didn't work? That I have put my body through 7 months of hellish med changes only to find out that it did not produce what I really need? And I went through getting on meds and going through med changes While Living ALONE!!!! What an absolute nightmare.I don't know anyone who had to go through it alone. And it's a completely different experience than going through it with while living with someone who cares.
Meds have caused many changes in me. They took away my love of music, even my ability to listen to it. And I used to love it so much. It's a terrible loss. They took away most of my sexual desires - leaving another huge void in an already empty life. Meds dried up my tear ducts, I used to cry at work every day (again, because I was being treated like shit by a co-worker). But I lost that job and got on meds about the same time and haven't been able to cry since. The pain just stays bottled up inside me now. It's very painful to live with. Meds have caused many tragic and painful changes in my life.
But meds have made me appear to be more normal to everyone else. And that seems to be all that matters.
Over all I'd say meds have done me more harm than good - especially because they make it impossible for anyone to love the unmedicated me. And that is what I really need. Unconditional love. Not love based on whether I'm taking meds or not. Unconditional love. It's all I ever needed. Meds can't replace that. And meds can't help me get it either. I know because I tried it. It was a last ditch desperate effort, and it didn't work. I can't live alone any longer, and the only alternative is death.
When my caregiver left me over a year ago I was told it could take months before I found another one. I did NOT want to have my wounds left untended for months! I knew that with out immediate care my emotional wounds would get worse. I was desperate for that not to happen. I did not want the pain to worsen - I wanted care! But what I got was preyed on by a coworker simply BECAUSE my caregiver left me. It was a living nightmare, one I still have not recovered from.
The last year and a half has been the worst of my life. I have gone out with dozens of men. I have literally tried everything I know how to get someone to love me. Life is meaningless torment without a partner. Many people live alone because they choose to - I do not. It is forced on me and I hate it.
When I die no one will know about it until my rent becomes due. My boss will just think I quit and not send anyone to look for me. That is how meaningless I am.
The only two friends I have say they care, but they maintain friendship with the coworker who screwed me over for a year. They made it clear that what he did to me was meaningless. It changed nothing in their relationship with him. I was shocked and sickened by this, and still am. I proves how little I am worth.
All I can hope for now is that this nightmare will end.
Chatting with people online doesn't replace having someone actually here with me. And going without some one here is a living nightmare. I don't see any way out of this hell except death. Every day is more painful than the last. If I thought someone would be living with me, taking care of me, tomorrow then I could hold out another day. But I know that the odds are over a billion to one that tomorrow I will have what I need. Or the day after. Or even next week. I've been living alone for over 500 days. And each day is more brutal than the last.
I try to hallucinate a caregiver - try to pretend that one lives with me, but it doesn't work. No one helps with the chores or shares the rent. All errands have to be done by myself, alone. It's agony. I literally look around my apt at times hoping I will see someone who loves me. But I never do. And I have tried everything I know how to change the situation. Everything but suicide.
I am so sad that I wasn't worth caring about to anyone. I know I am an awesome person and that anyone would be lucky to be called my friend. And I also know that very few people agree with that assessment. I was told that if I got on medication it would make me "easier to love". I didn't want to become easier to love. I wanted to be loved for who I really am.
I want unconditional love - not love that is based on whether I am medicated or not. But I was so desperate and at the time had my self esteem so battered by a coworker that I agreed to get on medication. I did it because I was told it would make it easier for someone to love me. I did it to get what I really need - which is someone who loves me, living with me. I was willing to settle for someone who could only love the medicated me - me self esteem was that low, and I was that desperate, that I was willing to settle for even that much. But I didn't get even that much!
Can you imagine how angry I am that it didn't work? That I have put my body through 7 months of hellish med changes only to find out that it did not produce what I really need? And I went through getting on meds and going through med changes While Living ALONE!!!! What an absolute nightmare.I don't know anyone who had to go through it alone. And it's a completely different experience than going through it with while living with someone who cares.
Meds have caused many changes in me. They took away my love of music, even my ability to listen to it. And I used to love it so much. It's a terrible loss. They took away most of my sexual desires - leaving another huge void in an already empty life. Meds dried up my tear ducts, I used to cry at work every day (again, because I was being treated like shit by a co-worker). But I lost that job and got on meds about the same time and haven't been able to cry since. The pain just stays bottled up inside me now. It's very painful to live with. Meds have caused many tragic and painful changes in my life.
But meds have made me appear to be more normal to everyone else. And that seems to be all that matters.
Over all I'd say meds have done me more harm than good - especially because they make it impossible for anyone to love the unmedicated me. And that is what I really need. Unconditional love. Not love based on whether I'm taking meds or not. Unconditional love. It's all I ever needed. Meds can't replace that. And meds can't help me get it either. I know because I tried it. It was a last ditch desperate effort, and it didn't work. I can't live alone any longer, and the only alternative is death.
When my caregiver left me over a year ago I was told it could take months before I found another one. I did NOT want to have my wounds left untended for months! I knew that with out immediate care my emotional wounds would get worse. I was desperate for that not to happen. I did not want the pain to worsen - I wanted care! But what I got was preyed on by a coworker simply BECAUSE my caregiver left me. It was a living nightmare, one I still have not recovered from.
The last year and a half has been the worst of my life. I have gone out with dozens of men. I have literally tried everything I know how to get someone to love me. Life is meaningless torment without a partner. Many people live alone because they choose to - I do not. It is forced on me and I hate it.
When I die no one will know about it until my rent becomes due. My boss will just think I quit and not send anyone to look for me. That is how meaningless I am.
The only two friends I have say they care, but they maintain friendship with the coworker who screwed me over for a year. They made it clear that what he did to me was meaningless. It changed nothing in their relationship with him. I was shocked and sickened by this, and still am. I proves how little I am worth.
All I can hope for now is that this nightmare will end.
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