Me, Part 1

i always felt as an outsider. i always felt awkward.. i thought of a memory today. i had peed on my neighbors front porch... i was next door playing with the girl my age (maybe 5?) when i had to use the bathroom. i'm sure i held it in as long as i could, who wants to stop playing to go use the bathroom? well, sure enough, when i couldn't hold it any longer, it was too late to try to run home, and i do believe i was too embarrassed to ask to use the neighbor's restroom. i think that's extremely important to my current anxieties, to know why i didn't ask to use their bathroom, or why i didnt go home... right now, i'm not quite certain what i was feeling, but it just might be "embarrassed." hmm, as i think about it. . . . i think maybe i didn't know any better. like i couldn't make the decision. i was unable to make the decision, as if that part of my brain had no clue, as if i wasn't aware that i had to make the decision! that's it. i was not aware that i actually had to make that decision for myself. i just chose to keep playing at all costs. my mom came and got me and cleaned me up, I'm sure. but that part i don't really remember; that one's in my hazy/blurry memory book. i know i peed; i stood there, peeing all down my legs. and crying the whole while. i even remember watching the puddle on the concrete grow at my feet. after that is blurry. i think the mom came out, probably went to get my mom. mom probably took me home, washed me up. then it was behind me, and i could go on with my play. in that memory, i don't recall feeling embarrassed, or bothered in any way whatsoever. just non-chalant, really. went back about my business. . . . as i was peeing and crying, i do believe i felt disconnected from myself. like this event was happening to me.
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now after writing all this, my head's gettin all fuzzy/hazy. like i don't want to remember...