Me and God
I never had much of a relationship with God. To be honest, I have doubted His existance my whole life. I was always so scientific in my thinking that I just could not REALLY accept, let alone believe in anything that I could not see with my own two eyes. Things began to change for me during Barbara's last 3 weeks of life. She had been ravaged by her cancer and she was unable to eat or drink anything for that entire time. Nothing. Not even her medicine. I had to give her her morphine via suppository. She could not speak nor could she communicate with me at all. The only time she would open her eyes was when her pain came and then I knew she needed more relief from it. For those 21 days, I held her hand. I would whisper into her ear that it was o.k. for her to let go and go to heaven. Each day, she got more emaciated and each day I was brought further to my knees with helplessness and hopelessness. The Hospice nurses would pray beside her before they left each day, and I would sort of go through the motions with them. A couple of days before she died, I leaned over to her, and as I held her frail body, I whispered the Lord's Prayer into her ear. I don't even know how I remembered the words, but remember them I did. I remember on Thursday evening, June 17th, before I went to sleep I prayed to God to take my Barbara from me and I felt guilty as hell for it. On Friday, June 18th, at about 3:15 in the afternoon, her breathing accelerated for about 20 minutes and then it subsided. At 3:45, as I held her hand, she took her last breath. I swear that I felt her leaving on her journey and my own unwanted journey began.
It has taken me all of this time to reach out for help, and finding the beautifull people here at DS has allowed me to actually BEGIN to travel the path that God has created for me. I now know that there IS a God. He and I have a lot of catching up to do that it's hard for me to know where to begin. But here I am, like a man drowning in the ocean and reaching for the life saver that He is throwing my way. I have it in my hand now, and I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon............
It has taken me all of this time to reach out for help, and finding the beautifull people here at DS has allowed me to actually BEGIN to travel the path that God has created for me. I now know that there IS a God. He and I have a lot of catching up to do that it's hard for me to know where to begin. But here I am, like a man drowning in the ocean and reaching for the life saver that He is throwing my way. I have it in my hand now, and I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon............
Replies
Joe, you were such a wonderful husband to Barbara. You gave of yourself during the time she needed you most and gave her so much love.
I also confess to being agnostic in my views. That being said, I do believe there is a God, and I believe both your wife and my mom are with Him, looking at us with all the love they know we have for them.
Joe -- I read your post and it brought tears to my eyes. We are each on this journey and God is here with us. Let him take your hand and guide you through this difficult time. I will be praying for you.
Hugs, Carla
Joe,
I also told my husband it was okay to go to God\'s home. It was so very hard to do, but I didn\'t want him to suffer anymore. Now here I am on this new path to who knows where for now. Only I am thankful for my friends here on DS to help guide me and God\'s strength to help see me through until he\'s ready for me. Hugs to you and talk to us we understand.
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Joe,
The pain of this suffering and loss can only be softened by the help of our savior. I am also renewed in my belief and the place to start is right where you are. Knowing that the Lord will throw us a Life Preserver when we ask and need it.
Peace to You
Dave
Joe -
What a moving journal entry - brought me to tears. Tears of sadness for your loss and the anguish that you have experienced, especially those last 21 days and tears of joy for Barbara being released from her pain hopelessness and for you finding God and knowing that He is there for you and Barbara is now with Him, painfree - happy - and making a home for you to join her one day.
I am so sorry that you and Barbara had to go through that agony - I can not imagine the pain and the helplessness that you must have felt seeing the person that you love more than life itself be in such agony.
Don\'t let that life saver slip from your hands..........you will find so much peace with it. Hugs to you,
Chris
Joe,
I read your journal entry and could relate to many parts of it, especially caring for your spouse during her illness. It is a true testament of your love the way you cared for her, and in time will bring you much peace.
Take care,
fishermansgirl
Amen, Joe! Keep hanging on and standing on his promises. Personally, I hate to think how hopeless and miserable life would be without God because we would have nothing.
Hi Joe, I read your journal entry and am happy to hear that you are reaching out to the One who holds the destiny of each of us in His nail-scarred hands...and there was no need to feel guilty for asking Him to take your precious Barbara home...that is a shining example of the unselfishness of true, genuine love and compassion...the kind of Love that He has for you, me and every other individual. My husband\'s final battle with the kidney cancer that took his life was mercifully short....one week after they told us it was back in metastatic form, he went to his eternal home...I, too, prayed & asked God to take him quickly because I couldn\'t bear to see him suffer and not be able to take his pain from him. The doctors told us 2-3 weeks, at the most, and I prayed that night, asking God to please not let him suffer that long. I asked Him to extend his Mercy & Grace to my darling just one more time if He wasn\'t going to heal him here on earth. God answered that prayer...the doctors came in the next day and said 2-3 days, at best...24 hours later, my Snake was gone.
I miss him terribly,and like you, I\'m lost and have little interest in the things I used to do...but I know God has a plan, for his word tells me He does...\"I know the plans I have for you,.... plans to give you hope and a future\" Jeremiah 29:11...I\'m sure you know the old saying \"when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.\" Jesus is the knot in the end of my rope & I\'m hanging on for dear life...
Blessings & Hugs... ~E~
P.S. In writing these words of understanding & encouragement to you, I was encouraged within myself...Isn\'t it amazing how God works?
Joe - what a moving story and picture you painted for us! A similar story for my darling and her briefer five months of having thyroid cancer. The process of watching and helping your dear wife through the end of this earthly life process is just the most difficult but eternally rewarding effort. There is the reward of showing and doing your love for your beloved spouse, but there is the eternal reward of being closer to the reality of heaven and gaining a closer understanding of the eternal things of life. I am beginning to get a better grasp on the true purpose of life in the here and now. My darling took less than twenty four hours to pass the river of death once she could no longer eat. But God in his mercy granted her to see her newest grandchild who arrived the day before she died. As she lay on her deathbed she saw her mother come and help her - she called her name, and then she saw Jesus and spoke His blessed name three times before she breather her last. What a privilege! What pain, but what joy! Death where is thy sting, O grave where is thy victory? My daughter, the mother of my two grandbabies mercifully suffered great trauma and great sadness as she was so close to Kathy has found Jesus as her saviour and Lord through this Great Sadness. I have drawn closer to Him. Thanks for sharing your story and some day you will find it in you to give thanks for the life of your beautiful wife and for the years you shared. We are comforted by much in this lonely walk through the valley in the shadow of death as Ps 23 describes it, for we have His rod and staff to comfort and guide us. Bless you. John
Very moving journal entry. thank you for sharing it with us. I lost my husband to cancer on February 13, 2010. My experience was similar to yours. 3 years of fighting that monster left me financially ruined, devastated and so utterly alone. At the end, I held his hand. Me and our 3 sons were alone in the bedroom with him and there was no doubt whatsoever in my mind of the exact second that his soul left his body. I had Faith in God before, but for me that second sealed it. It is very hard to explain to someone who hasn\'t experienced it. But for me it was nothing like \"he went to sleep\" or the \"candle went out\" or any other descriptions you hear. It was very much that he \"began his journey.\"
Best wishes to you as you as you continue this horrible journey with the rest of us here at DS....Angie
Joe..I can relate to your story..my dear husband didn\'t suffer as long as your wife but his last two days he was unconscious and I was giving him morphine and haldol orally ...I sat with him and never left his side and not being a great believer in God I did ask him to take my husband and stop the pain and give him peace. I told my husband it was ok to leave that I would be ok and I would always love him. I was alone with him with he passed into the afterlife and he was finally at peace and yet I knew I would never be the same again without him I also knew he would never be in pain again..hugs Ellen
Joe - my faith in God has sustained me through my husband\'s battle with leukemia and a previous serious illness he had in 2001. Frank also was a believer, and we read scripture and prayed together daily. This helped us through the hospital stays, the blood and platelet transfusions and all that he went through. I have been cared for and \"watched over\" by the members of our church since his death. This is such a I am glad that you prayed The Lord\'s Prayer for your wife at the end. There is a good book in paperback - PEACE WITH GOD - THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS by Billy Graham. Very good explanation and will probably answer some of your questions.
Blessings,
Doye
PS - if you don\'t want to \"shop\" for this book and would like to read it, I have a copy I will mail you if you send me your address in a message.
Dear Friend,
I continue to fel so very sorry for your great loss.
O was with my father in hislas day/eveining on earth I sle[t in his Hospice room and I read him his favorite verse from the Bible. I left it marked if I left the room for anything . I too talked to hom about letting fo, about all being forgiiven and about freeing himself now to go to his wife, mother, father.
And I too am sad he did. But it had to be/
May your journey to meaning and God, to whatever is important to you be a path lit by the light of a thousand friends.