Me 4-26-21

Trying to journal my way out of a thinking rut. I am trying to work but I can't stop thinking and thinking. Itms distracting. 

I'm thinking about who I am. It feels like who I am is as malleable as water sometimes. Yesterday I felt confident and stable. Today I felt wrecked and anxious and small things. The turbulence of my personality is deeply unsettling to me, especially the unpredictability of it. I've had two weekends in a row now spent in a deep depression and I'm really tired of it. Of being depressed, of feeling so isolated. Afloat, alone, in an ocean of feelings that batter me over and over. 

I've known that my goal is to somehow reconcile my personalities with each other. I've been setting base goals for myself to reach on my worst days to try to bridge that gap. What I mean is on some days I can't be shited to take care of myself or eat or anything. On some days I'm more on top of it to the point of taking hours for self care and relaxation. So I'm trying to set base goals for my worst days so the gap isn't so wide. 

I feel like there's a deeper problem with the way I'm thinking though, especially about my worst sides. On my best days I feel confident and happy and like myself. On my bad days I feel destabilized and hateful towards that "me". I resent her for coming out of nowhere and making me feel that way. For always cropping up and ruining everything. I used to think of the good me as the true me and the bad me as the wrong me. I thought that if I thought that way I'd gravitate towards the good me more. 

They're both the true me, unfortunately. I get to have short periods where I feel okay and then deal with longer periods of indeterminate length when I feel anxious and jittery and all around awful. I just want to feel grounded and whole. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am at all.