Maybe this is why. . .

I wrote last week that I was really terrified and unsure of whether I still really wanted to have a child. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about this. I don't know if I will ever really have THE answer, but here is what I have come up with.
My DH and I had not been trying long when we got pregnant the first time. After the mc I was afraid to TTC again, but we decided to kump right in. We only tried 1 month before I lost my job and we put TTC on hold. This is when the real feelings of the loss started and I actually started grieving. With no real place to go everyday I was able to seclude myself. There were days when I didn't ever get dressed or eat. I would literally sit on my sofa all day and cry. I had to force myself to look for a job, it took every thing I had to be able to do that on top of everything else. When I started getting a few interviews the benefits and when they would kick in were a top priority for me. All I could think about was trying again.
When I finally got hired as a temp I was exstatic that they promised benefits on my hire date. I felt better about the job, even though it was in a field that I have no experience in, merely because I KNEW that TTC was on the horizon. When they pushed my hire date back a month I began to worry a little. When they told me they didn't know when I would get benefits I was utterly crushed. Again my hopes were dashed by a job, again the most personal decision was taken out of my hands. DH said not to worry that in July there was open enrollment into his insurance plan. He said no matter what that we would get me on his plan and we could TTC again as long as I had the promise of full time employment.
We got the price list for his insurance last week. It has almost doubled since last year. There is absolutely NO WAY that we can afford it. DH said maybe we could swing it if we made some major cut backs, but I feel like this would be very selfish of me to ask. They finally hired me today at my temp job. They said no insurance most likely until Oct. By the time I get the testing that my old Dr. never followed up on out of the way it will be over a year before I get to TTC.
I think that by trying to convince myself that maybe I didn't really want this, that maybe I could live without a child; that maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed. Well, it didn't work at all . . . I am still heartbroken.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am in a similar boat. I don\'t know for sure if I want to have a baby, but every month when AF turns up I\'m disappointed (though we use contraceptives). We have been in an iffy situation financially as I only work part-time and his business has been suffering from the recession. I finally decided to get private insurance because he couldn\'t afford it. Now his business seems to be levelling off again and just when I figured it was almost time to TTC, I kind of got offered a job. Maybe. My part-time employer want to hire me full-time but it has to be approved by the board and so they can\'t make the offer. Now I\'m concerned about taking a job then immediately getting pregnant and needing maternity leave (it\'s a teaching job and there aren\'t a lot of people who could temp for me in my area). I\'m so confused! I think I want a baby and my hubby ain\'t getting any younger but what if I get pregnant and am too sick to work like the first time? I\'d try to time it so I would be having the baby during the summer break but that would mean getting pregnant the first month of full-time work. The first pregnancy was terrible and the second my back hurt like hell.

I am really praying for wisdom cause I don\'t know what the best thing is. We need for me to have a full-time job if we\'re ever going to own our own home but this is tough!!

I can really relate to what you\'re going thru!
deleted_user
deleted_user

It just makes me so so mad that something that should be a free and special choice for us has to come down to money! And that companies can be so unscrupulous as to keep moving the goal posts knowing there\'s little you can or will do about it in this job market. The sensible part of me (the pregnant with insurance about to run out part of me!) says hold on a couple more months but then the other part of me, (the 40 years old and still no baby despite always waiting for the right time part) says go for it anyway. Even if you conceive straight away, your own insurance will kick in by the time you actually start needing to go for care and if you need anything before then, you could always jump onto hubby\'s insurance for a month before yours takes over. Or is that completely wrong? My advice tends to be on the reckless side - which is why I\'m in the mess I\'m in! However, as I have complete faith in your ability to be an awesome mom, I am thinking you should still use your weekend away for romantic purposes and put things in the hands of fate.
I know you are heartbroken and I completely understand why - you deserve so much more than this. But you don\'t need to convince yourself you don\'t want what you can\'t have because you CAN have it - it may be a month or so later than you\'d planned because of the delayed insurance kick in, but it IS still within sight. Your time IS coming and soon. Lots of Love .... and a huge share of my eventual lottery winnings - coming your way xxxx
platypus22279
platypus22279

Thanks so much for your responses. It helps to know that someone is out there listening! I know what the RIGHT and RESPONSIBLE things are to do, it is only 3 more months. But at the same time it\'s 3 MORE MONTHS!!!!!!!! I wish that I wasn\'t so sensible, all I really want to do is cry and beg my husband to use some of our savings to pay for the insurance. I think that if I asked him he really would do it for me. I just know I would feel horribly guilty about it, especially if we didn\'t get pregnant right away. There is a short window for me to get onto his insurance and I have to have the paperwork in by the end of the month. I would love to TTC earlier w/o the insurance, but I need to have some bloodwork done first, which of course I would have to pay for. If they find that I have low progesterone (which is what I am guessing) then I am afraid that the meds would never be covered under insurance if they found it now.

DH has also admitted that he is frustrated and would just like to get on with our lives and the TTC process again. It feels like we have been holding our breath for the last 8 months. Just when I think I can relax and feel like I am actually living my life again something else happens. I don\'t want to wait anymore; I am ready NOW. I feel so selfish, I know there are people who have so much less and are struggling to just exist let alone start a family. I just can\'t take it anymore! I feel like there is always going to be something that comes up that things like this will just keep happening.