Maybe this is why. . .
I wrote last week that I was really terrified and unsure of whether I still really wanted to have a child. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about this. I don't know if I will ever really have THE answer, but here is what I have come up with.
My DH and I had not been trying long when we got pregnant the first time. After the mc I was afraid to TTC again, but we decided to kump right in. We only tried 1 month before I lost my job and we put TTC on hold. This is when the real feelings of the loss started and I actually started grieving. With no real place to go everyday I was able to seclude myself. There were days when I didn't ever get dressed or eat. I would literally sit on my sofa all day and cry. I had to force myself to look for a job, it took every thing I had to be able to do that on top of everything else. When I started getting a few interviews the benefits and when they would kick in were a top priority for me. All I could think about was trying again.
When I finally got hired as a temp I was exstatic that they promised benefits on my hire date. I felt better about the job, even though it was in a field that I have no experience in, merely because I KNEW that TTC was on the horizon. When they pushed my hire date back a month I began to worry a little. When they told me they didn't know when I would get benefits I was utterly crushed. Again my hopes were dashed by a job, again the most personal decision was taken out of my hands. DH said not to worry that in July there was open enrollment into his insurance plan. He said no matter what that we would get me on his plan and we could TTC again as long as I had the promise of full time employment.
We got the price list for his insurance last week. It has almost doubled since last year. There is absolutely NO WAY that we can afford it. DH said maybe we could swing it if we made some major cut backs, but I feel like this would be very selfish of me to ask. They finally hired me today at my temp job. They said no insurance most likely until Oct. By the time I get the testing that my old Dr. never followed up on out of the way it will be over a year before I get to TTC.
I think that by trying to convince myself that maybe I didn't really want this, that maybe I could live without a child; that maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed. Well, it didn't work at all . . . I am still heartbroken.
My DH and I had not been trying long when we got pregnant the first time. After the mc I was afraid to TTC again, but we decided to kump right in. We only tried 1 month before I lost my job and we put TTC on hold. This is when the real feelings of the loss started and I actually started grieving. With no real place to go everyday I was able to seclude myself. There were days when I didn't ever get dressed or eat. I would literally sit on my sofa all day and cry. I had to force myself to look for a job, it took every thing I had to be able to do that on top of everything else. When I started getting a few interviews the benefits and when they would kick in were a top priority for me. All I could think about was trying again.
When I finally got hired as a temp I was exstatic that they promised benefits on my hire date. I felt better about the job, even though it was in a field that I have no experience in, merely because I KNEW that TTC was on the horizon. When they pushed my hire date back a month I began to worry a little. When they told me they didn't know when I would get benefits I was utterly crushed. Again my hopes were dashed by a job, again the most personal decision was taken out of my hands. DH said not to worry that in July there was open enrollment into his insurance plan. He said no matter what that we would get me on his plan and we could TTC again as long as I had the promise of full time employment.
We got the price list for his insurance last week. It has almost doubled since last year. There is absolutely NO WAY that we can afford it. DH said maybe we could swing it if we made some major cut backs, but I feel like this would be very selfish of me to ask. They finally hired me today at my temp job. They said no insurance most likely until Oct. By the time I get the testing that my old Dr. never followed up on out of the way it will be over a year before I get to TTC.
I think that by trying to convince myself that maybe I didn't really want this, that maybe I could live without a child; that maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed. Well, it didn't work at all . . . I am still heartbroken.
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