maybe not the best way to convey this
while writing is not the best way to convey this I will express it.
It's a journal written over the course of this morning and afternoon.
As I said, I thought about my parents this morning before work.
I thought about their pain and leading their lives. We're all just human.
I learned a good lesson from my dad just by his example
that he may have emotional connections with folks
he also has the wisdom of looking above and beyond sort of objectifying stuff
to handle the job at hand. His example from his
mother was that he "be everything." It must have been tough but he has special
powers after all that severity.
I kept going at work today - not 'taking in' or reacting to the stuff
my boss had to give... I felt very much connected, my heart was full but then I got lazy
when I got tired and knew I had to think about the job and survival - and my Dad's example
of how he balances that - and I started to do the same with the work in my own
way.
I left work - and as I drove home while driving I thought about what was expected of me
as a driver (I know you guys don't know this but driving 'drives me bananas', especially on the ride home from work)
- anyways I started to just relax and think about what was expected of me as a driver - and it was great - I was relaxed and attentive - and yet after some time of driving and stopping off
at the gas station - where I greeted the mini mart cashier with the knowing smile
we each had at the 'dog and pony show' that is.
It was a nice moment.
Darn it - in my loquaciousness I am getting too into the weeds.
But I started to think about how everyone is out there trying to live the life
they're supposed to... and I rejected that today in the sense that everything is seeming to be telling us how we're supposed to live.
and I am starting to feel comfortable with just living the way I want to -
I am going about my day and the start of my weekend.
My mind is unwinding a bit but I’m reminding myself to keep to responsibilities as well as enjoy my time off. I’m trying my best
I think my therapist is right. In anticipation of this major life shift I have a lot of underlying anxiety in addition to my usual. I realize I seek her approval and when I do that with her or anyone, the whole nebulous truth leaves me spinning, unknowing.. until I am grounded by companionship...It’s part of my challenge. I know I have to develop coping methods and affirmations but I also need to check in with her and my community here and my family because I’ve learned the hard way that I have a faulty mechanism.
Replies
Hola Marcos,
Sitting here sipping my coffee just listening (in between looking up a couple of the definitions of some of the words you wrote lol)
Anyways, it’s interesting the way life or certain circumstances affects us in different ways. Sometimes I have the opposite feeling where I wonder if I push my therapist away too much for ‘safety’ or something (I think it has something to do with my ptsd or trust issues)
… like a couple times this week I was going to journal but froze up & didn’t so maybe you inspired me to give it a try again (journaling) at some point in the next couple days
Sorry anyways I may be rambling, but I guess it’s what I would tell you if I was sitting across you in person as I sip my coffee
I forgot when exactly you’re moving but I’m pretty sure you said it was sometime in September rite?
I hope anything I wrote here made sense, still been going through dissociation stuff a little
Either way, proud of you amigo :)
Big hugs from me & Mr. Baby <3
thanks lil missy! have a great night!
You too :)
i'm not quite sure how or why, but a song popped into my head while i read this post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLCfb54e_kM
Thanks Arfie
I like the song a lot arfie! :)
Markus, your last line here about how family points out you have a faulty mechanism…..
I don’t know you personally, like in person, so I’m only exposed to this side of you here. But you write these sorts of reflections like you see yourself as “broken” and you need other people to validate that are not broken. You are valuable!
There is no perfect human being, and while mental illness is real, it is not defining of worth. We are more than that. I just hear you tie up a lot of your journals by this intense awareness of your illness. I’m here to remind you that you are not your illness and there is more to you than that. We have to take care of it, but we are not humpty dumpty. We can put ourselves back together again and don’t need all the kings horses and all the kings men to do so. We can brush ourselves off and having friends can give us a lift when we need one.
Big hugs.
Thanks Nikki!