maybe life is trying to teach me something

I'll admit, I know I have a blindspot about certain things in my life.

I know that we each tend to as well - and that's natural I think - and the things

we struggle with in, life, may be a  fallout from this - and so also it charts our proclivity and  life long pattern and practice.

It's important for me to keep a sense of humor. To take things with a grain of salt - 

I know when I was wealthy and had a really developed art collection

and a fulling appointed home - I was happy - (and my appetites were satisfied) but then got a little myopic (and imprudent) and I was

green in some ways about the nature of self responsibility in life - and I was blindsided by illness. I had great adventures - but finally came

crashing down. I don't know how to talk about this - but I will persist.

My pursuits of art and aesthetics - in my later years (since the crash)  - I think has -  transferred to my passion 

for life at the monastery and for finding answers for my life..Does that make sense to you? It indeed is like living in an aesthetic here at the monastery -  -

yet it's not an aesthetic of my own making - it can be extremely gratifying to think in terms of the essential relationships that are promoted here -

their social legacy and impact and importance - and yet it's an aesthetic and a boundary that can be quite limiting, And though we all have to negotiate the way

we each like things in the civilian world too - and yet be self asserting and validating (and keep a sense of humor when aesthetics can get extreme) - I know it can be 

oppressive and demanding - and unnerving here -  with not a lot of personal space for expression - this is just the aspect of it 

that I am coming from at this time - it's been said it's like 'being dead to life' - and I DO NOT LIKE THAT! - 

I have desires - I have needs for personal space and expression - physicality -  the current new demand to wear only all 

black is something I didn't understand at the outset - but now I do  - . It's too much -

I get something from the snug aspect of life here- the sacred- the ceremonial - the community -as I said - the societal significance - 

yet I am starting to want some of my own life - perhaps it's just today but the relationships here can be tough because of the very harsh way folks

communicate with each other -  poking myself up from the water line now to think about living my own way in a sense is like living my own aesthetic again -

and taking sustenance, reassurement and pleasure from that - I am just weighing the pros and cons of this -

I feel dirty for talking about it - for some reason - but I'd like to have some of my life- and maybe some of the

religious community life as well.  I can see how people can really hold fast to it - it gives so much of identity and support

in many ways - and yet for those who can make their lives work independently -it's maybe not so needed and perhaps they live their

lives on a more personal values and community basis - and why I am think either or - perhaps t's not necessarily either OR - which is kind of an extreme question

of one OR the other -

and so some folks choose a life with some of both, some have more of an ecumenical or societal focus for their personal lives -

and some have more of a developed religious life in terms of having a church community to attend. Some a mix of both to their

liking.

I think maybe I am seeing that I have come from either one direction or the other rather than

finding a synthesis (or simbiosis) of the two. I'll write more in the comments