Maybe I'm just too weak for this world...

I feel like I am losing myself more and more each day.. Slowly drifting away.. I feel so empty and numb and I also feel everything all at once... I feel so overwhelmed.. Yesterday I literally spent ALL day/night in bed. aside from the very few times I had to get out of bed.. I didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't really respond to many messages or calls. Just stayed in bed, wishing I had it in me to just get my dads pistol... Just one bullet.. One simple pull of the trigger and it could all be over... But I couldn't.. I didn't have the energy... and i know as soon as I try I will talk myself out of it because I don't want to mess up anyones life even more than I already have... It'd hurt my nephew soo bad.. And my dad... I couldn't do that to everyone.. Not right now at least.. So I just wait.. I deal with this pain.. Smile and laugh the best I can.. Cry, cut, overdose on melatonin just so I can get some sleep and not have to deal with the world.. The pain... It's all jsut too much for me right now.. I'm shaking as I type this... I'm scared... I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.. I'm trying soo hard to tell myself that I am okay.. That everything will get better.. But I'm not okay.. And I don't know how long I can wait for things to "Get better"...  I'm falling apart, I'm close to suicide and losing myself more by the second.. And no one around me sees it.. And the people I've tried talking to about it dont understand how bad I really am getting.. Or they just don't care.. Maybe it'd be better if I were gone.... So tired...... Don't want to live like this anymore....