Maybe I'm just not broken
I never stopped to entertain the thought that maybe there's nothing wrong with me. That's pretty fucked up- since by all accounts- (except money and weight) my life is going really well right now. I'm living out my dream as far as my career is concerned. I'm doing things I alwys wanted to do. I'm helping people. And yet there are days where I couldn't even get out of bed. Not to mention my food addiction, weed addiction, etc. And all b/c my reality does not match reality. Go fucking figure.
I read (well listened to) "Women, food, and God" by Geneen Roth. What a profound experience it was for me. I cried within the first 5 minutes of listening which made me know I had to keep listening. I took a day off of work to finish the recording which was 5 hours long. She spoke of things I felt that I wasn't even conscious of. I still don't fully understand the Buddhist concept- not well enough to explain it to anyone. After I listened to the book I wanted to tell everyone I know about it. Most people I know suffer from weight problems. However when I try to explain it I lack the ability to. Not yet anyway. But forget all of that- Roth made a damn good argument to follow her eating guidelines. So I did it. I ate without distractions. Roth said to listen to your body- that it will tell you what's really wrong. And she was right!
I ate an egg and cheese- my daily morning breakfast. And I did it with absolutely no distractions. And boy did it SUCK. I was coming out of my skin! In fact an hour later I was still scatter brained. But I did what she said. I listened to my body and it told me what was wrong. I asked out loud- what do you really feel like right now. This is what came out: (I copy pasted it from my blackberry) Btw: my name is Jennifer and my brother's name is aj
Food Journal Entry #1 4/6- 9 in the morning- ate an egg and cheese for the first time without distraction. My shoulders were tense. I'm done eating and they still are tense. I feel like I want to come out of my skin. It was pure silence- but not a comforting silence I get when I have my ear plugs in- there was the sound of the refrigerator and vent. I didn't like it. I don't like those sounds. Maybe next time I eat I'll put in earplugs. But maybe that will hinder my efforts. Is there something to be said about the facts that random noises drive me MAD? I've always thought it was just bc I am sensitive about sound. Maybe its a manner of escape- a way of not being present. Other than that it wasn't so bad. But I don't look forward to doing it again. I wanted to quit smoking to be more present in my life. Maybe I'll wait until this eating thing becomes more normal to me. I am going to follow all the eating guidelines today.@10:16- I feel a constant sense of supervision. Like someone's always watching over me ready and able to criticize everything about me at any time. Its bc my ma was such a food nazi when I was a kid. She paid so much fucking attention to my weight. She never gave a fuck about anything else I was feeling- not at all. She just cared about what I ate and what I weighed. I'll never forget hearing her talking on the phone to my dad like I was such a piece of shit for being fat. I searched through her shit and found a letter to my dad saying "jennifer has reached 100 pounds and is still gaining- I just don't know what to do.". Do u fucking think she gave a fuck about anything else I was doing or feeling? Do u think she fucking wrote about that? NO. Not at all. The only things she fucking cared about was my weight. she is my fucking mom and I swear I stopped feeling she loved me so many years ago. She never paid one iota of attention to me unless it was to tell me not to eat or to notice how muich weight I gained. Nor did she try anything at all to help me lose weight. Ever. Starve. That was her fucking answer. U want to lose weight? Then "r u sure u want to eat that sweetheart?" in front of everyone in the fucking family was the only way- humiliation, making me feel different then EVERYONE was the only way. Oh btw- "aj- do u want more food?". Go ahead aj have some more- ur normal, ur healthy, ur not a failure or a freak- eat more aj- here's some more love aj- u deserve it. Jennifer (in my ma's voice) sorry- but ur to fat to love. Don't eat. If u lose weight I'll think ur a person again- not just a fucking inconvenience and a reminder of my failure as a mom. I used to lie a lot back then too- bc my ma made it seem like being me just wasn't good enough. Btw at the same time my father was my protector, my biggest fan. Him and his whole family hated my ma and the shitty ways she treated me. I saw him weekly when he took us out for dinner- and he would let me eat AS MUCH AS I WANTED- even if that meant binging. He was love- he gave the food. My ma was hate- she took the food away.Btw it didn't end at childhood- my ma commenting on what I ate and catalogging my food intake. She kept doing it for years afterwards. She still does it sometimes. Even when I WOULD BUY THE FOOD!!!! She has no fucking boundaries. The thought of - perhaps I should give someone the respect of not criticizing everything about them- never fucking even crosses her mind. She would benefit tremendously from learning how to shut the fuck up. Then again- that's not true- its not her that would benefit- its everyone else.That's why I need distractions when I eat. Bc I feel her watching me. "No one's going to take it away from u dear". She's made comments about what I eat and the way I eat forever.I live my entire life like I am under constant supervision from an evil tyrant who views nothing I do as right. If I were to speak to that tyrant I'd say- back the FUCK OFF! I try my fucking best. I do everything for everyone. I put myself last- I am the epitome of unselfish- I don't allow myself any joy- isn't that good enough for u??? What the fuck else do u want from me? I'm at the height of misery- I can't go any lower. Don't u fucking see that? No, u will never see that. Bc u aren't good, u aren't helpful. U don't love me and u don't want good things from me. u aren't real- u r a creation of my imagination founded by a lifetime of abuse. Go the fuck away- u r evil and I reject u. I am good enough. I work hard. I do my fucking best and that is GOOD ENOUGH. People love me as I am. God loves me. FUCK U- u don't fucking rule me anymoreU have no power over me@1:15 PM- I ate a jalepeno wrap. No distractions at all. And it didn't suck!!!!! That's some cool shit.@2:45PM I'm at my office and I don't want to go in. I desperately want to be wearing sweat pants right now. I feel bad and I look good- the two don't match. I want to look how I feel. Why? Bc as a child the only time my father or mother were loving to me was when I was sick or obviously down on myself. My father hated happiness. He still does hate it. Whenever he saw me looking good or looking like I might feel good- he doesn't really discern the difference between the 2- he would go out of his way to make me miserable. He would go through a list of things I did wrong. Anything he had to do to make sure I wasn't doing better than him. Now I'm afraid to look good bc I feel like if I do then the world is going to look at me like I got it all together and they will attack me even harder. That's not entirely ridiculous- when ur on top many do want to bring u down- but that doesn't mean they have the power to do so. I'm an adult now. I'm not helpless anymore. My father had that power. When I feel the longing to look like shit its to protect myself from my father's evilness. That evilness does not rule me anymore. It only has power now if I let it have power. fuck u voice- u have no power over me.I have legs that are capable of walking away when I am not being treated like a special and valued person. I no longer have to abide by my fathers rule. I don't have to wait to accomplish something in particular to love myself. I don't have to prove to this evil voice and presence that I've suffered enough to be happy now. There is no evil presence. Its all in my mind. I don't have to tell my father or anyone else anything at all.
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That was the journal entry. Crazy. And the crazy part is that I didn't even know I was still suffering from all of those things. After that I made some affirmations to help me combat those feelings. I plan to say them daily. Btw- today is great! Every time I start feeling pressure I remind myself that no one is watching me anymore. No one but God and God is good. There are people that supervise my actions- like my clients- but its different. They are not abusers. They are happy when I do right by them. They are happy when I help them. They appreciate my effforts. I would get a bad reaction from them if I messed up theri situation- but that would be understandable and I don't have to worry about that b/c I would never do anything to mess up my clients scenario- ever. That's the thngs that got me- I felt like a combination of my dad and mom were watching over me saying they don't approve. You know what- my ma isn't so bad anymore. She tries her best to help me. She apologizes profusely for what she did while I was growing up. She ain't perfect, not by any means. But no one is and she tries her best. So that shit really was a fabrication of my mind and the truth really isn't so bad. (Not with my ma anyway- my father still needs to be avoided- unfortunately)
So life is good today. And today's all we got. Anyone who reads this and is struggling with dieting, etc- READ THAT BOOK!!!! It changed my life and I'm so thankful for it. Thank you Lacuna for recommending it to me!
Today is April 7, 2011. I'm marking the day. This is when my REAL life begins. The life where reality is reality and I stop living in the past and start really moving forward. I have been living half a life up to this point and it ends now.
I read (well listened to) "Women, food, and God" by Geneen Roth. What a profound experience it was for me. I cried within the first 5 minutes of listening which made me know I had to keep listening. I took a day off of work to finish the recording which was 5 hours long. She spoke of things I felt that I wasn't even conscious of. I still don't fully understand the Buddhist concept- not well enough to explain it to anyone. After I listened to the book I wanted to tell everyone I know about it. Most people I know suffer from weight problems. However when I try to explain it I lack the ability to. Not yet anyway. But forget all of that- Roth made a damn good argument to follow her eating guidelines. So I did it. I ate without distractions. Roth said to listen to your body- that it will tell you what's really wrong. And she was right!
I ate an egg and cheese- my daily morning breakfast. And I did it with absolutely no distractions. And boy did it SUCK. I was coming out of my skin! In fact an hour later I was still scatter brained. But I did what she said. I listened to my body and it told me what was wrong. I asked out loud- what do you really feel like right now. This is what came out: (I copy pasted it from my blackberry) Btw: my name is Jennifer and my brother's name is aj
Food Journal Entry #1 4/6- 9 in the morning- ate an egg and cheese for the first time without distraction. My shoulders were tense. I'm done eating and they still are tense. I feel like I want to come out of my skin. It was pure silence- but not a comforting silence I get when I have my ear plugs in- there was the sound of the refrigerator and vent. I didn't like it. I don't like those sounds. Maybe next time I eat I'll put in earplugs. But maybe that will hinder my efforts. Is there something to be said about the facts that random noises drive me MAD? I've always thought it was just bc I am sensitive about sound. Maybe its a manner of escape- a way of not being present. Other than that it wasn't so bad. But I don't look forward to doing it again. I wanted to quit smoking to be more present in my life. Maybe I'll wait until this eating thing becomes more normal to me. I am going to follow all the eating guidelines today.@10:16- I feel a constant sense of supervision. Like someone's always watching over me ready and able to criticize everything about me at any time. Its bc my ma was such a food nazi when I was a kid. She paid so much fucking attention to my weight. She never gave a fuck about anything else I was feeling- not at all. She just cared about what I ate and what I weighed. I'll never forget hearing her talking on the phone to my dad like I was such a piece of shit for being fat. I searched through her shit and found a letter to my dad saying "jennifer has reached 100 pounds and is still gaining- I just don't know what to do.". Do u fucking think she gave a fuck about anything else I was doing or feeling? Do u think she fucking wrote about that? NO. Not at all. The only things she fucking cared about was my weight. she is my fucking mom and I swear I stopped feeling she loved me so many years ago. She never paid one iota of attention to me unless it was to tell me not to eat or to notice how muich weight I gained. Nor did she try anything at all to help me lose weight. Ever. Starve. That was her fucking answer. U want to lose weight? Then "r u sure u want to eat that sweetheart?" in front of everyone in the fucking family was the only way- humiliation, making me feel different then EVERYONE was the only way. Oh btw- "aj- do u want more food?". Go ahead aj have some more- ur normal, ur healthy, ur not a failure or a freak- eat more aj- here's some more love aj- u deserve it. Jennifer (in my ma's voice) sorry- but ur to fat to love. Don't eat. If u lose weight I'll think ur a person again- not just a fucking inconvenience and a reminder of my failure as a mom. I used to lie a lot back then too- bc my ma made it seem like being me just wasn't good enough. Btw at the same time my father was my protector, my biggest fan. Him and his whole family hated my ma and the shitty ways she treated me. I saw him weekly when he took us out for dinner- and he would let me eat AS MUCH AS I WANTED- even if that meant binging. He was love- he gave the food. My ma was hate- she took the food away.Btw it didn't end at childhood- my ma commenting on what I ate and catalogging my food intake. She kept doing it for years afterwards. She still does it sometimes. Even when I WOULD BUY THE FOOD!!!! She has no fucking boundaries. The thought of - perhaps I should give someone the respect of not criticizing everything about them- never fucking even crosses her mind. She would benefit tremendously from learning how to shut the fuck up. Then again- that's not true- its not her that would benefit- its everyone else.That's why I need distractions when I eat. Bc I feel her watching me. "No one's going to take it away from u dear". She's made comments about what I eat and the way I eat forever.I live my entire life like I am under constant supervision from an evil tyrant who views nothing I do as right. If I were to speak to that tyrant I'd say- back the FUCK OFF! I try my fucking best. I do everything for everyone. I put myself last- I am the epitome of unselfish- I don't allow myself any joy- isn't that good enough for u??? What the fuck else do u want from me? I'm at the height of misery- I can't go any lower. Don't u fucking see that? No, u will never see that. Bc u aren't good, u aren't helpful. U don't love me and u don't want good things from me. u aren't real- u r a creation of my imagination founded by a lifetime of abuse. Go the fuck away- u r evil and I reject u. I am good enough. I work hard. I do my fucking best and that is GOOD ENOUGH. People love me as I am. God loves me. FUCK U- u don't fucking rule me anymoreU have no power over me@1:15 PM- I ate a jalepeno wrap. No distractions at all. And it didn't suck!!!!! That's some cool shit.@2:45PM I'm at my office and I don't want to go in. I desperately want to be wearing sweat pants right now. I feel bad and I look good- the two don't match. I want to look how I feel. Why? Bc as a child the only time my father or mother were loving to me was when I was sick or obviously down on myself. My father hated happiness. He still does hate it. Whenever he saw me looking good or looking like I might feel good- he doesn't really discern the difference between the 2- he would go out of his way to make me miserable. He would go through a list of things I did wrong. Anything he had to do to make sure I wasn't doing better than him. Now I'm afraid to look good bc I feel like if I do then the world is going to look at me like I got it all together and they will attack me even harder. That's not entirely ridiculous- when ur on top many do want to bring u down- but that doesn't mean they have the power to do so. I'm an adult now. I'm not helpless anymore. My father had that power. When I feel the longing to look like shit its to protect myself from my father's evilness. That evilness does not rule me anymore. It only has power now if I let it have power. fuck u voice- u have no power over me.I have legs that are capable of walking away when I am not being treated like a special and valued person. I no longer have to abide by my fathers rule. I don't have to wait to accomplish something in particular to love myself. I don't have to prove to this evil voice and presence that I've suffered enough to be happy now. There is no evil presence. Its all in my mind. I don't have to tell my father or anyone else anything at all.
__________________________________________________________________
That was the journal entry. Crazy. And the crazy part is that I didn't even know I was still suffering from all of those things. After that I made some affirmations to help me combat those feelings. I plan to say them daily. Btw- today is great! Every time I start feeling pressure I remind myself that no one is watching me anymore. No one but God and God is good. There are people that supervise my actions- like my clients- but its different. They are not abusers. They are happy when I do right by them. They are happy when I help them. They appreciate my effforts. I would get a bad reaction from them if I messed up theri situation- but that would be understandable and I don't have to worry about that b/c I would never do anything to mess up my clients scenario- ever. That's the thngs that got me- I felt like a combination of my dad and mom were watching over me saying they don't approve. You know what- my ma isn't so bad anymore. She tries her best to help me. She apologizes profusely for what she did while I was growing up. She ain't perfect, not by any means. But no one is and she tries her best. So that shit really was a fabrication of my mind and the truth really isn't so bad. (Not with my ma anyway- my father still needs to be avoided- unfortunately)
So life is good today. And today's all we got. Anyone who reads this and is struggling with dieting, etc- READ THAT BOOK!!!! It changed my life and I'm so thankful for it. Thank you Lacuna for recommending it to me!
Today is April 7, 2011. I'm marking the day. This is when my REAL life begins. The life where reality is reality and I stop living in the past and start really moving forward. I have been living half a life up to this point and it ends now.
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