Maybe I have the wrong goa!

After reading so many insightful posts, I am beginning to think that I may be a bit premature with my choice of goal.  This is not going to be something that I can do very quickly.  It may be something that I never will do.  I have shared my feelings with my mother and my siblings and they do not understand how I feel.  They are angry because they know the truth about me and how my kids were raised.  No one has any suggestions for a solution or something that I should try.  I think I need to change my goal to doing something to make me feel better.  I fall asleep every night in prayer going over the same thoughts and requests and I wake up in the morning and shake until I get up and take an anxiety pill.  Then I lay back down until I settle down.  Sometimes during the night I have, I assume night terrors because I wake myself up feeling the same way.  My love for my kids goes clear to my soul and eternity and back.  One would think that when I am sleeping, I would not be feeling.   I think, I am going to change my goal to "Get myself healthy", I am not sure how I would handle it if they did come right back into my life.  I would never want them to come back and pull this crap again.  I feel like I have gone through a death as I have lost them.  The only difference is, I don't have a grave to go to where I can feel some piece of mind.  I am definitely changing my goal.  I can never go through this again.