Maybe I deserve it...

I'm slowly losing my mind...

There is not one day that I am not crying at some point. I feel so defeated, worthless, disgusting and depressed..

My best friend sexually assaulted me a few weeks ago. He was the only male friend I ever truly trusted and he took advantage of me--and yet, I blame myself. I shouldn't have gotten so drunk with him. I shouldn't have felt bad about him going home drunk and allowed him to stay. I should have slept on the couch instead of passing out on my bed. I should have said something when I woke up and his hand was down my pants. I should have screamed or yelled or hit him rather than be terrified that my family would hear and I would have to explain what happened. I'm so mad at myself, but I am also mad at him. I'm furious. I'm devastated. I'm upset...but maybe I deserve it?

I wrote about my experiences when I was 12. After I survived that, I went on to meet a girl who became my best friend. Then her uncle groomed me and eventually sexually assaulted me. After that ended I was in high school, and I hung out with a girl who was very promiscuous. She got me into some seriously fucked up situations. The first time I gave oral sex to a guy was because he threatened to kill me if I didn't. 

A year later I lost my virginity to this guy who was my close friend. It wasn't ideal. I was really drunk and he was mad that I was out without him. He threatened to leave me if I didn't walk to his house. I walked two miles drunk, eventually made my way to his house and we had sex. I don't remember most of it. A month later he broke up with me and I found out that my virginity was a bet. All of the guys I hung out had bets on which of them could sleep with me. He won. I was broken. After that I started drinking and self harming. That went on for a while but I eventually snapped out of it. (Or at least I thought I did)

As I got into my 20's, I was stuck in this cycle of drinking, going to the bar, having sex and repeating. I hated myself. I was miserable. I started burning my skin with cigarettes. Everything bad that happened to me in these years, I blamed on myself. The way I saw it, I deserved it. Had I not been drinking maybe these things wouldn't have happened to me. In the last 18 years I have been through SO much. For me to go into detail about everything that I have been through would take me days and a couple bottles of rum to write. 

I feel like an idiot. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am to blame for everything I have been through. Maybe I do deserve it. Maybe I did this to myself. Granted, my experiences as a child were not my fault, but everything that happened to me as I got older? I could have prevented that from happening. So yeah, maybe I did this to myself. Maybe if I had made smarter choices I wouldn't be so damaged right now. Or maybe it was because of my experiences as a child that caused this all to happen. I really don't know..

I called a counseling center last week in an attempt to go to therapy. I tried calling a while back but they never got back to me. Luckily I have a friend who goes there and he spoke to his therapist about helping me, saying that it was an emergency. I'm just waiting for them to verify my insurance and call me back. I really hope they call soon. I shouldn't have waited until I was almost 30 to seek help. Maybe if I had gotten help a long time ago maybe I wouldn't be in the position I am in now.

I just can't stop thinking about everything that has happened to me. After he assaulted me it broke back 18 years of trauma. I put on this smile around everyone and I am just tired. Tired of everything. I can't even think straight enough to word this entire post correctly. I just want to give up, go to sleep and never wake up.

I got rid of all of my social medias because they became triggers. How can I look at how happy everyone is when I am on the edge? How can I function correctly when facebook suggests a former rapist as a friend? I'm hoping that being without social media will help me. Who knows? I'm ready to try anything...

I want to write more but my head is pounding and all I really want to do is drink and cry. But I am going to do the right thing and stay sober... at least for now.