May what a month!!

Well it's the first of May as I am laying here thinking about my kids and my family. I will say that it is getting harder each day living not knowing how my family is doing. I mentioned earlier to several of my colleagues that if I could go back in time and change a few things of my life. But as they say you just can't do that as the outcome will not change the ending results, but if it does it changes everything of everyone, but does it? Or is it just a theory, even though I have seen it on shows how things changes in different time lines. I do know that we do not have the technology to go back in time. But I would change things from my past to make my life a little better. In several hours I will be on my way to Brooklyn NYC for the documentary I just wish that my wife or one of my kids were able to come with me. But I know they won't come. I love them dearly and I haven't seen them for a long time especially my oldest daughter. I have been trying to figure out what I have done to make her hate me. I just do not know. But what I do know is that I haven't done anything for her to hate me. I miss them so much that it hurts that I am not involved in their lives. I know or I feel that my whole family is transphobic. As I remember a certain person telling me that she wouldn't keep me away from my kids. None of them hasn't reached out to me and every time I text her she has not responded to any of my text messages. I do know that she always has her phone on her. I don't want her to think that I don't care about my kids or her as a matter of fact. Because I still love her even though I am a transgender. But she will not divorce me. I went up there to drop off an Easter card only to get yelled at from her and hearing later that Billy had an issue with me being around the house even though I was only on public property. But is it the truth? My gut tells me that I should make a point of confronting him in person to find out what his problem is with me. As I feel that it is non of his business why I am there and giving my wife a hard time. Even at work I would stop on what I am doing and think about my kids and her as I start to cry or try to hold back the tears. I still keep thinking about the decisions I made just to make myself feel good. I wonder will they ever call me or text me as my gut tells me that they never will come around. Which makes starting to think that did I do the right thing on making myself happy. Every day I would pray to get me out of my situation by giving me the means to leave her. I really could not put up with the yelling at me and being treated like I was her child and not a husband. I had to ask her for things, and when we went to her choice of places to eat she would get mad at that I would choose something that was semi expensive but later I started picking things that she would eat so she wouldn't complain to me on what I would eat, or tell me that she didn't have enough for a small jar of relish. I still get flash backs of her yellow at me when I go shopping myself that I don't end up buying. As I still hear her tell me that I don't have enough to buy that as it stops me on what I am doing just to reminisce as I start to break down and cry. She has kept me from finding friends but as I see things today maybe it is me, how will I find out.

Well I am going to close for now as I have a big in a few hours as I have to leave at 930 to get their in plenty of time for the 1:30 set time. I am looking forward to this documentary.

So I can say that I managed to get 3 photoshoots. Williamstown, NJ, Brooklyn, NYC and the last one was in Lancaster, Pa. I will say that I enjoy doing this and I wish it will continue. But with the enjoyment of course there has to be some bad news and It has to be with work. Apparently they had to accept a couple people from a different store which Arby's closed for reasons unknown but it cuts into our hours down which will cause a financial strain so I am going to find another job. Having an interview May 10th, but what I am looking forward to is the photoshoot with Amazon Prime. But I must get myself to start walking in my heels for that day. I should just to get better at it.

But on the home front I just found out that my daughter gabby got hurt from her horse and I didn't find out until after the fact. I just wished that I knew about so I could visit her at the hospital. I really miss my family very much. Even though I still get scolded by her even though I lost the track of time to respond and of course she won't reply back.

As May continues towards it's end I was able to go to the photoshoot for amazon, it was disappointing to say to at least. If I would have known that it was going to be a runway show I wouldn't have gone. You can say that I didn't make the cut. But if I happen to go again to a runway show I am going to start practicing how to walk in heels again. I did manage to keep my feet from getting blisters on my toes by using toe cushions and cotton balls under my toes. It worked well. Even though I didn't make the cut which was depressing but if I do a runway show again I will more prepared in hopes to achieve it. You can say that I am rethinking about doing runway shows. Just have to get use to walking in the heels again. So for now hours at work are at 36 which is better than 30. On the other side of the coin I am still having issues on who I am after having the job application from Morey's having Daniel on it even though it is my dead name and their application refuses to acknowledge that I am Danielle not Daniel. I have a virtual interview on the 25th. I hope to get that corrected. I still have not been able to my family after the incident outside the house wondering why I was up there even when I wanted to give the kids an Easter card and a birthday card as well. So the next birthday is Danny's June 24. I will be sending him one. I really miss them a lot. As for Derick I don't know as I told him that I will believe if he likes me but not saying loves me that he has to show up at Arby's with a dozen of carnations, will see.

Well I went to the shoot on Saturday only to find out that it was for a runway model. I tried my best to succeed only to fail but it was an experience in it self. I was a little upset that I didn't get, As I mentioned before it was just an experience. But as the week progressed I received a phone call from the company on Wednesday asking me if I would be interested in attending a second audition. I was amazed to get the offer to attend as she was telling me that this was the first time she has ever done this of the 10 Years she ran her business. I was amazed to be chosen and now I am practicing on how to walk in heels. I have about thirty days to practice walking. I want to do this gig and start working for Amazon prime. I hope to master the technic. Well there are only 5 more days left in this month alone I hope to get it.  So the last several days of was interesting. I went to do the gig in Philly only to find out that it was a runway show audition. At the beginning I wasn't very much interested in doing it but I gave it my best shot. Of course I was clumsy doing the walk having the boot to big to wear but I managed to stumble not once but twice and I was walking like I was drunk in a matter of speaking. As I knew I didn't make the cut but at that time I tried my best without breaking my other ankle. So at the end they told I didn't make it, with my reply I said that I enjoyed the experience and it was fun and went on my way. But I knew I had to do something about the boots being to big realizing that getting the wide shoes in woman's actually was a better fit to go to my normal size in them as a 10 or 10.5. Once I get the size 10 boots to if my theory works I will send the other ones back for credit and maybe find a pair of stiletto's in a wide as well so I won't have to guess every women's shoe I get. I hope that I am correct. Yesterday I went to therapy, it was an interesting subject that I brought up about boundaries, it was a discussion about my interjection on defending myself that I should wait for the outcome instead of interjecting quickly. I guess it is an automatic self preservation trigger that I have done ever since being around Merle when she would blame me for things, it would seem that I still do it. It did upset me that I am doing still doing it also feeling rejected most of the time . I guess it has to do with my thinking process as it needs to adjust in a majorly way. May I had to do some changes my hours at work have been reduced so I had to start looking for another part time job so I can start working down my credit card bills, I don't want to say debt but previously I did promise myself that I wouldn't max them out but from everyone's stand point of view they would tell me that what I did was a good thing as an investment in myself as a fashion model. I will see how that goes. Also May  turned out to be a peculiar month as well, I went to the audition for Amazon Prime and didn't make the cut but several days latter I get a call from them asking me if I would be interested in doing a second audition, I was shocked to hear that from them and I asked why the change and the lady went on explaining to me that through out the 10 years owning this business she's never had a company call her up requesting a model to return for a second audition because of their spunky attitude, I was shocked myself. They were telling her that I something special and that is what they were looking for. So I am waiting on the heels to come in so I may start practicing wearing them, I hope it goes well for me. In the mean time I went to Annette's work place to get a bite to eat thinking that she would tell me about merle why she hasn't replied to my messages but she wouldn't tell me. I feel that it is not fair for her to do that as I do have the right to know as I am still married to her or is it wrong for me to ask. Now I do know that if things were reversed  she would be demanding for me to answer. As of today I haven't received a reply from her. Ending