*may trigger* Seeing dead people...
Today I had court because I am in foster care. It was a review hearing. Court is always hard though. It is a constant reminder of the mother that, in my eyes, died. When I was little, she was there. She loved me; I think she even cared, but for some reason, she disappeared, "died" in a way. I guess it's easier to explain to the hurting sexually abused three year old within me that her mommy died because she wouldn't be able to handle her mommy suddenly hurting her. It just wouldn't make sense to her. So mommy died. That's what I tell her. But then in court, this mommy that I have deemed dead shows up with her fierce and angry attorney. "How can mommy be here if she is dead?" she asks. "Why does mommy glare at me? Why won't she come give me a hug? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOMMY!?!" I don't know, I tell her. I wish I knew what could lead a mother to turn on her oldest daughter like that. I wish I could understand the logic in her thinking. I wish my mommy wouldn't have died...It's hard, seeing a dead person I mean, especially when their body is still alive. Especially when the body used to house the mother that played with you, held you, nursed you. You begin to wonder what you did wrong. What terrible crime against humanity that would justify a mother's abuse towards her child. I don't know. I just don't understand insanity. I can feel the old patterns coming back, the same thoughts. How could I possibly have been born to a dead woman and be alive myself? Am I really alive? I have fought the urge to cut into a vein to feel my pulse, to feel any sign of life. Somehow, I've resisted it. I really want to break my record of ten weeks. After my ten weeks are up though, I feel like just slaughtering myself. I feel so empty and hollow inside. Why? WHY? Why did she leave me like that? Why did she die? ~Tracie
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