May Trigger....SI...

Ok...just jotting down some of the thoughts in my head...just to try and work out whats going on.coment if you want...dont read if you are easily triggered by SI coments.I cant help it.i want to keep going..i want to cut and burn and just let the blood run out everywhere.SI gives me an adrenilin rush and makes me crave for more..sounds stupid.makes me sound like some kind of addict craving for drugs.SI is just dominating my thoughts right now and i want it to stop.i cant help thinking about it and i know the only thing that will take these thoughts away is antipsychotics and in a way i crave them just to rid these SI thoughts...but then i think again and i want these si thoughts .i want to burn and cut and mutilate myself.it is what i truely deserve.i dont deserve happiness or health or friends,kids,hubby, knowledge. I am a useless unworthy person and i dont know why.i just am.ok ok  i just gotta go now..shouldnt be doing this..