May This Letter Have WIngs
Hi Fred:
This evening I am headed to Salt Lake with Lahni. We will be staying at her daughter's apt for two nights. Purpose of the trip is to look at some of the home decor stores in that area. Before I leave I wanted to write again to Nick. On the 28th is will be six months since he died. (I can say that 1,000,000 times & it still just doesn't seem real.) I hope the letter has spiritual wings (or what ever it takes) to find him. Thanks Fred.
Dear Nick:
Today is 9/24/11. In four days time it will be 6 months since you lost your battle with cancer. Six months without you. It still hurts just as much as it did back in March. Maybe it is even worse because time goes on and on and on. I think about how long it has been since I heard one of your silly puns, or was bored out of my mind with all of your computer talk, or sat holding hands with you while we watched the telly. I think about how long it has been and then think about how an eternity of time stretches endlessly before me.... without you.
The pain of watching the cancer take away your abilities and strength and filling you with pain and the sadness of dying is still just as sharp as it was while I stood by you at the hospital. I pray that you did hear me while I talked to you, remembering the wonderful places we had visited and the happy times we shared. I hope you heard so that you knew that even in dying you were not alone and that I was there every step of the way as I promised you I would be. I hope you heard and could remember the happy times so death could not hold you totally in cold fear.
I am still seeking a local support group to help me in caring on with life. I know you wanted so much to live. It is hardly fair that your gift of life was taken from you. You had so much left to teach and give to those you worked with. You lived life every day to the fullest extent that was possible for you. You never complained. You always had a positive outlook . You are missed every day.
The autumn weather has made me feel even a little more sad than usual. I know winter is close behind and do not look forward to the darkness, cold and inability to get out and about due to bad roads.
Currently we are having a beautiful Indian Summer. The days are in the 70s. The nights are cold & crisp. Th sky is free of clouds and the sun now has a soft warmth to it. I know if you were here we would spend time in the back garden. We would sit on the back deck with our gin & tonics and chips or nuts and enjoy the weather as we watched the birds. I know we would take walks on the week ends and perhaps a picnic down by the Snake River where we went quite often. Such beautiful memories. I am grateful we made them together. I only wish you were hear so we could add to them.
I hope somehow you know my feelings and that I love you.
Missing you more than I can say,
Darlene 9/24/2011
This evening I am headed to Salt Lake with Lahni. We will be staying at her daughter's apt for two nights. Purpose of the trip is to look at some of the home decor stores in that area. Before I leave I wanted to write again to Nick. On the 28th is will be six months since he died. (I can say that 1,000,000 times & it still just doesn't seem real.) I hope the letter has spiritual wings (or what ever it takes) to find him. Thanks Fred.
Dear Nick:
Today is 9/24/11. In four days time it will be 6 months since you lost your battle with cancer. Six months without you. It still hurts just as much as it did back in March. Maybe it is even worse because time goes on and on and on. I think about how long it has been since I heard one of your silly puns, or was bored out of my mind with all of your computer talk, or sat holding hands with you while we watched the telly. I think about how long it has been and then think about how an eternity of time stretches endlessly before me.... without you.
The pain of watching the cancer take away your abilities and strength and filling you with pain and the sadness of dying is still just as sharp as it was while I stood by you at the hospital. I pray that you did hear me while I talked to you, remembering the wonderful places we had visited and the happy times we shared. I hope you heard so that you knew that even in dying you were not alone and that I was there every step of the way as I promised you I would be. I hope you heard and could remember the happy times so death could not hold you totally in cold fear.
I am still seeking a local support group to help me in caring on with life. I know you wanted so much to live. It is hardly fair that your gift of life was taken from you. You had so much left to teach and give to those you worked with. You lived life every day to the fullest extent that was possible for you. You never complained. You always had a positive outlook . You are missed every day.
The autumn weather has made me feel even a little more sad than usual. I know winter is close behind and do not look forward to the darkness, cold and inability to get out and about due to bad roads.
Currently we are having a beautiful Indian Summer. The days are in the 70s. The nights are cold & crisp. Th sky is free of clouds and the sun now has a soft warmth to it. I know if you were here we would spend time in the back garden. We would sit on the back deck with our gin & tonics and chips or nuts and enjoy the weather as we watched the birds. I know we would take walks on the week ends and perhaps a picnic down by the Snake River where we went quite often. Such beautiful memories. I am grateful we made them together. I only wish you were hear so we could add to them.
I hope somehow you know my feelings and that I love you.
Missing you more than I can say,
Darlene 9/24/2011
Replies
Darlene, Your mention of the snake river brought back memories of the time that Rodger and I rafted down that river and it brought a smile to my lips. The weather was horrible and most people backed out but we did it and I am so grateful for the memories we did make. thanks for bringing back the memories. Diane
Darlene-
This was such a beautiful entry full of memories of the WONDERFUL times you and Nick shared, as well as the nightmareish memories you also shared. BOTH spoke VOLUMES OF THE LOVE that was YOURS. something NO ONE (no power, no supreme being, nothing) can EVER take away from you.
I believe with my entire being, that Nick KNOWS of your love for him, and is so PROUD of how you are going through this journey. With determination, and grace, and compassion. I truly do BELIEVE that the love we share lives on. It lives on inside of US.
I hope your trip is wonderful, and that you get great ideas for decorating!!!
Have FUN!!!!
HUGS Diane
I loved this entry as well, Darlene, so beautifully written with such great love....that will support you over the months and years that follow, stay with you, that love you had for each other. Have an amazing trip, hope it goes truly well...xxx
Dear Darlene...I have just finished reading this beautiful letter to your husband. My heart is aching for you and for me and for all of us missing our true loves so desperately, still. My eyes are filled with tears thinking of your pain and how eloquently you captured all your feelings as the 6 month mark approaches. We lost our husbands just short of 2 weeks apart (mine April 9). We were only a few hundred miles away from each other. Living the parallel universe of watching someone you love almost more than life itself succumb to Cancer. Yet at the time it was happening to me, as I\'m sure to you, it seemed no one else could possibly be suffering this loss as much as I was....nobody. I felt so alone and the pain was more than I thought possible to bear. And yet I find now, that I was not alone in this pain...you and so many others like us felt the same pain. We are all walking the same path...trying to find our way back. It is hard. I am glad we have each other. Thank you for putting in to words, so beautifully, so many feelings I too have as I approach the \"6Month\" marker. I miss him more and more instead of less. xxx Sue B.
My heart is with you as you in these last 6 months with out Nick. Your Nick and my \"Home\"( my nick name for my husband) both passed away with bladder cancer that spread. \"Home\" on Feb. 12, 2011 passed. I believe that Nick heard you as you were talking to him. What beautiful words written of your love you both shared. My Prayers are ever with you.
God Bless You and Hold You
recent widow