May, June, July...and Present
I have been meaning to write for some time now, I know I always say that at the beginning of my entries, and it is oh so much the truth.
Since I have last written I have endured some time of trying to gather my thoughts and make meaning of everything around me, needless to say I did not succeed. I have been out of school now since the beginning of may, I received a scholarship for the next year and am able to attend my next year of school cost free thanks to the scholarship and grants I received. I was the happiest person in the world in May. I am set for my next year of school, I only have two more semesters and I will get my bachelors degree in nursing. That area of my life is fantastic. I have decided on what I will do, I am going to specialize in Women's Health and get my nurse practitioner and try for Midwifery. That is the plan as of now, I got a GED book and have began studying and looking at schools to apply to after I get my expungement in November.
Next comes at the end of May my greatest fears...
Both my dad and younger sister began drinking again. It was almost on the exact same day too, May 31st the day she graduated High School. Since then this June and July has been up and down with the tension that they both have caused our family, my dad went on a binge for a few weeks then sobered up just long enough to sober up and then as that was occurring my sister would sneak around and get drunk and smoke behind everyones back. Oh yes, they both have picked up right where they left off months prior. But Yesterday I took a stand. Yesterday I ATTENDED MY FIRST ALANON MEETING! and it was difficult I did the explosion cry like I did on my job interview, embarrasing but it was all that I have been bottling up for months maybe even years. Needless to say I am going to attend again next friday and I bought a book to read, "ONE DAY AT A TIME in ALANON". I read a few passages already and it all makes perfect sense to me.
I feel that this is a step in the right direction as well as logging back on here is. I thought I could handle this on my own but I just can't, I still attend my therapist meetings but now they are once a month, I have anxiety still but I have made much progress in that area of my troubles, I am thinking clearly now and can drive well again. I also bought a new car, its a 4x4 so this winter I will attempt to tackle those demons as well.
I feel as though I thought I was fine, I thought "hey I am cured" I was really doing good at standing up for myself but really it was just a facade. I just held it all inside but last night I cut open my old wounds to heal them for real this time. I didn't mention my accident but I may in time bring it up, unforchanetly I feel it has vined itself into my current emotional state. I am trying to let go of all the hatred and resentment I feel towards alcohol and it just sucks that I was once a monster under its spell. I am working so hard towards redefining myself from what I was that it scares the shit out of me to think of what I could have become. Instead of me going to ALANON I could have been the reason someone else is going, hell I may have been the reason they got this bad in the first place.. I could have went the other way, I could have become that alcoholic asshole that I despise so much.
I am not, nor was I, nor will I ever be perfect especially when it comes to alcohol, but I just hope that my past does not deter the other group members from helping me because the Lord knows and I know...
I can't do this on my own, but me, myself is willing, ready and able to do the work that needs done to get where I wanna be someday.
Since I have last written I have endured some time of trying to gather my thoughts and make meaning of everything around me, needless to say I did not succeed. I have been out of school now since the beginning of may, I received a scholarship for the next year and am able to attend my next year of school cost free thanks to the scholarship and grants I received. I was the happiest person in the world in May. I am set for my next year of school, I only have two more semesters and I will get my bachelors degree in nursing. That area of my life is fantastic. I have decided on what I will do, I am going to specialize in Women's Health and get my nurse practitioner and try for Midwifery. That is the plan as of now, I got a GED book and have began studying and looking at schools to apply to after I get my expungement in November.
Next comes at the end of May my greatest fears...
Both my dad and younger sister began drinking again. It was almost on the exact same day too, May 31st the day she graduated High School. Since then this June and July has been up and down with the tension that they both have caused our family, my dad went on a binge for a few weeks then sobered up just long enough to sober up and then as that was occurring my sister would sneak around and get drunk and smoke behind everyones back. Oh yes, they both have picked up right where they left off months prior. But Yesterday I took a stand. Yesterday I ATTENDED MY FIRST ALANON MEETING! and it was difficult I did the explosion cry like I did on my job interview, embarrasing but it was all that I have been bottling up for months maybe even years. Needless to say I am going to attend again next friday and I bought a book to read, "ONE DAY AT A TIME in ALANON". I read a few passages already and it all makes perfect sense to me.
I feel that this is a step in the right direction as well as logging back on here is. I thought I could handle this on my own but I just can't, I still attend my therapist meetings but now they are once a month, I have anxiety still but I have made much progress in that area of my troubles, I am thinking clearly now and can drive well again. I also bought a new car, its a 4x4 so this winter I will attempt to tackle those demons as well.
I feel as though I thought I was fine, I thought "hey I am cured" I was really doing good at standing up for myself but really it was just a facade. I just held it all inside but last night I cut open my old wounds to heal them for real this time. I didn't mention my accident but I may in time bring it up, unforchanetly I feel it has vined itself into my current emotional state. I am trying to let go of all the hatred and resentment I feel towards alcohol and it just sucks that I was once a monster under its spell. I am working so hard towards redefining myself from what I was that it scares the shit out of me to think of what I could have become. Instead of me going to ALANON I could have been the reason someone else is going, hell I may have been the reason they got this bad in the first place.. I could have went the other way, I could have become that alcoholic asshole that I despise so much.
I am not, nor was I, nor will I ever be perfect especially when it comes to alcohol, but I just hope that my past does not deter the other group members from helping me because the Lord knows and I know...
I can't do this on my own, but me, myself is willing, ready and able to do the work that needs done to get where I wanna be someday.
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