May 27th - Graduation, and thoughts

       I "graduated" today. We can't hold an actual graduation, so my school decided to do a drive-through graduation instead. It sort of worked. People cheered as we drove past, and then I got out of the car and walked and people took pictures. There was loud music. It would have worked if not for us standing in the school's parking lot during a hot noon. 

       My dad didn't want to come. He thought it was a waste of time. My mom left work for an hour to drive me there, she seemed to be in a hurry and she left right afterwards. When I walked, there was no cheering. The man asked which car had my family in it. I pointed to the car with only one silent person inside. My boyfriend told me he was so proud. During his graduation, his mom cried, and his whole family was there. Graduation, for me, was a lot of mixed feelings. I guess I never fully processed that high school is really over. 

       It was also affirmation that my parents are unsalveagable. I've had this realization over and over as I grew up, and I hope this is the last. My mom criticized me as we drove up. My dad thought it was a waste of time. All he's been doing is scoffing at me, ignoring me, and invalidating me ever since I was young. It doesn't matter who I am, because he'll only ever see him as a stupid little girl. It stings. What's it like to be my boyfriend, or the girl in the car in front of me, whose family cheered and cried as they walked? What's it like to not have parents criticizing your every move? Yesterday I wiped some sauce off my food and my dad criticized me for that. 

       Two days ago my parents and I cleaned out a rental property. My parents, especially my dad, have been paranoid over coronavirus. The previous resident was, in fact, confirmed to have been infected... and she moved out the day before. That happened about a month ago, and apparently she was recovering after two weeks. My mom doesn't even know if she was still sick when she left. And even then, the virus can survive on surfaces for a long time. And my parents are renting out the house. How irresponsible. I guess they suddenly disregard any risk when there's money involved. 

        The risk really hit me yesterday, and now I've decided to not see anybody for two weeks. Which really sucks, since I've had very bad anxiety/depression lately, but I just feel like I need to take responsibility and keep others safe. I can survive being in my house for two weeks. Maybe I will go out to shop with a mask on and make sure to social distance. I don't know.. 

        On Sunday my mom was trying to force me to have a zoom meeting with an experienced architect.. talk about my future. And my parents want me to start reading and learning about architecture before I even go to college! "Keep busy", they say. I told them sternly that I'd like to have one goddamn summer to myself, because I'm sure as hell not going to be free for the next five, nor was I for the last three. They always had to plan something for me, myriad classes and studies every summer. I walked out of that meeting, by the way. She told me it would be "disrespectful". I wonder why she cares more about disrespect when it comes to strangers than when it comes to family. 

        I've been excercising a lot more. I've been feeling a lot of pressure to, but there are days when I'm just full body sore and tired. My lower back hurts, my neck hurts, I seem to stay sore for days. My period also came today, which I guess probably explains the sadness lately, though I suspect that the hormones are just emphasizing a deeper, already existing emotional problem. I've been following this running program, where it makes you run and walk certain intervals every week until you can run 30 minutes straight. Yesterday it had me running 3 minutes, 1:30 break, 5 minutes, 2:30 break, repeat, it was brutal. I don't have space in my mind anymore to think about how ridiculous/stupid/easy that must sound, because I'm really trying so so hard to improve my body, endurance and strength wise. 

       Today I'm exhausted. I've been working as a background artist on a project that my friend is doing, and it has been time-consuming. I have the backgrounds for episode 1 due in about two weeks, and that's probably going to be at least 15 of them? I've been trying VERY hard to improve on my past mistakes when it comes to projects and art stress, slow down and enjoy it, tone myself down, catch the stress before it catches me, but damn it if I'm not worried about it. 

       Today I am very tired.