May 25th - Thought audit on tomorrow

I'm nervous for so many reasons for tomorrow. I have a lot of things lined up to do and my entire schedule is packed. In the meantime I haven't been able to sleep and it's 4 in the morning. 

I'm imagining myself getting more nervous as the time draws closer, having the dress up and getting more nervous, driving there with my dad and getting more nervous and my mind going blank. I just have to remember to smile and be friendly. Smile and be friendly. Engage. Ask questions. Don't run away again. 

I'm afraid of the memory of the absolute embarrassment of last time. But I'll never see that lady again, so it doesn't matter. It was just... so painfully awkward. When I think of it a pit of shame curls in my stomach. But the fact that I've willingly put myself in this situation where awkward situations can happen and I feel incredibly uncomfortable is an admirable thing in in of itself. I don't need money, strictly speaking. But more than the money itself, I want the sign of independence and self-reliance it brings. I want to gain experience on the job and working with people so I don't get my first work years down the line and have no idea what to do. I want to keep myself busy and accountable over the summer. 

I'm a good, self managing person. I hold myself accountable to my commitments. I try to be better at what I do. It's the mental health challenges that hold me back, especially as of late. I tend to put too much into my work and forget to take care of myself.